Friday, July 31, 2009

fantastic and flying


neeeeeeew video! this is a thing i was working on about a month ago. this band, You You're Awesome, is friends with my friend Pete. YYA likes to play concerts and during each song, they have a video playing on a projector behind them. Pete encouraged me to make a video that could be played behind them for their song "fantastic and flying," and so i made this video. it's pretty dumb (dumb like a fox!) and the song is pretty long. unfortunately, pete ended up voting the video too dumb for the song. so it will not be played on a projector behind the band. Waaaah WAAAAAAAAH (fog horn). but what gives? you think i'm gonna throw away a perfectly awesome weird video? think again, dickhead! i trimmed the thing down to three and a half minutes and now it RUUUUULES!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

say what!

video
it's been awhile since we've done this. but every once in awhile, our good friend kienan, will send me a weird video text and i turn it into an even weirder video for the blog. this one's called "saaaay whaaaat!"

i like tricks like this

my friend kienan tricked me today. he texted me about something. i responded and quickly added that my sister had given birth to a baby girl named amanda this morning. kienan responded by saying "cool" and asking if it was a boy or a girl. he also asked what the baby's name was.

on a normal day, i might be annoyed that he hadn't paid attention to my full text. but today i was in good spirits. on account of the birth. so i responded with "a girl! Amanda!" and then i got this text: it says "Haha! Frustrating having to type it twice, ah. Sorry, i had to do it." boy did i have egg on my face. kienan is awesome at jokes like that. what you do is: you play dumb and see if the other person is polite or if they call out your mistake. either way, they think YOU'RE the dumb one but, really, you're the one manipulating them. pretty hilarious, if you ask me.
Haaaaaaaa you got me!

more an amusing anecdote than "news"

my friend dave faulk sent me this funny news story about this swedish couple who drove 400 miles in the wrong direction because the spelled their destination wrong on their GPS. this story is funny for 3 reasons:
  1. the most obvious and least absurd: the couple was WAY off and didn't even notice.
  2. the couple sought help from an italian tourism official, who was such a dick that he went so far as to contact the BBC about this poor stupid swedish couple.
  3. the most absurd reason: the BBC is such a bunch of dicks, that they went so far as to write a story - a NEWS story - about something so trivial and embarrassing.

i just can't help imagining this swedish guy, who just the week before was bragging to his buddies at work about how he was gonna go see the ol' Blue Grotto in Capri. he boasted of his new GPS and his ability to take time off to see exotic places with his wife. and anyway, i imagine him going into work monday morning, back in sweden, and all the guys have already been on the BBC's website and read the story that morning. and all the guys kind of chuckle and say, "so ... so, hey Sven, (stiffled laughter) how was the trip?" and poor Sven's cheeks go a little rosy but he manages to stay calm and he says something like, "oh, it was great. great trip. very pretty." and they say, "you eh ... you get to see the ol' Blue Grotto and all that?" and a couple of them snicker. Sven says "yes. it was very pretty. we liked it a lot." then Olaf, the office bully, is like, "was it easy to find?" and they all bust up laughing. Sven tries to ignore them and play it off like he didn't understand the joke. Then he spends all afternoon crying in a bathroom stall.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

slices of happiness take 2

i just ate that frozen pizza and it was delicious. i take back every bad thing i said about frozen pizza in my previous post. i don't know if i was just grouchy due to hunger or if i was PMSing or whatever. but i was wrong. dead wrong. frozen pizza is awesome and i would totally serve it to my family.

slices of happiness for the whole family

so i was cooking myself a frozen pizza today, which is something i do probably once a week or so, and i noticed the back of the box said, "Serve one tonight. You want the best for your family, and so do we."

what the hell are they talking about? the only reason i eat this garbage is because i'm lazy and have zero self-respect. if i had a family, there's no way i'd be serving them crap like this.

that advertisement back-fired big time with me. not only did it NOT encourage me to serve this fake pizza to my family, but it made me feel bad about MYSELF for eating it. look at this junk. that's not real food.

Monday, July 27, 2009

i'm wasting away

it's so hot. for the past week or so, when not at work, i've just been sitting around, sweating, drinking water and tea, eating burritos and watching baseball on television. just kidding about the baseball. i've been watching a lot of old movies and funny tv shows. but i do have a cool painting about baseball. my friend trent (the american lion) gave it to me for my birthday a few years ago. it's cool. it was painted by this guy called steve keene. he paints tons of these things and sells them for very cheap. the catch is: you can't pick a painting. he just paints and mails them out. i think that's cool. it kind of blew my mind when trent told me about the guy. i used to have a problem with getting really attached to things and making too big of a deal out of things. stuff like the steve keene paintings remind me you can just do stuff allll the time and each little thing can be good in its own way. you don't have to set out to make the best thing ever and then give up when it's not so good. i guess you could say steve keene is a little bit responsible for this stupid blog. blame him, not me.

one-eyed willy

it's funny to me that, when choosing a model for a LASIK eye surgery advertisement, Dr. Wallace picked a woman who appears to be missing an eye.

Friday, July 24, 2009

i'm a nice guy, normally

maybe i'm a dick ... maaaaaaaybe ... but stuff like the above screengrab really cracks me up. i was on some facebook page for some contest for the city of orlando and a woman by the name of something magpie something posted a comment that graciously congratulated the finalists of the contest. she ended the comment with "now i am going to go punch a wall." she's clearly joking. she's clarifying the fact that she was one of the contestants who was not chosen as a finalist, and she's doing so in a humorous manner.

now, see, what i did was post on her comment as if i had, in fact, read the first half of the comment (the gracious congratulations) as sarcasm and the second half (the intended joke) as a serious statement.

now, that to me is hilarious. the unfortunate side effect of my hilarious joke is the possibility that magpie is going to be mildly excited to see a response to her comment. then, she'll be stupified and frustrated at the moronic misinterpretation of her joke.

NORMALLY, i avoid having a laugh that might make someone else frustrated, sad, or any other negative emotion. normally i'm a nice guy. but dammit, it's so funny to me.
it also cracks me up that someone called katie kelly thinks that patrick and i are really cool guys. i think she's a really cool girl. i wonder what her middle name is.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

terrorists?


today, i had to pick my roommate up from LAX. as i was merging to get to the terminals, a big black SUV with dark tinted windows almost hit me. then, as we got closer to the terminals, there was a huge police checkpoint where airport cops were stopping everyone and searching cars "at random." i was wondering if the black SUV would get searched just because it was so shady looking. by the time we had to stop, the SUV was in the lane next to me. they rolled down the windows and there were four or five middle-eastern-looking dudes inside. i was like "oh man, they're definitely getting searched." sure enough, the cops had them pull to the shoulder of the road. meanwhile, the cop in my lane took one look at me and waved me forward.

now, IF those guys were totally innocent, it would really suck if they missed their flight or something because they definitely just got pulled over for looking possibly muslim. BUT ... what if they WERE terrorists and what if i hadn't been such a defensive driver and what if they DID run into me while merging? i would've thwarted a terrorist attack! i'd be a hero!

the next time someone merges without checking their blindspot, just let them hit you. who knows how many lives you'll save?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

isn't this weather crazy? no, it's weather.

it's been really hot in LA lately. a little humid even. which, allegedly, is uncommon this time of year.
so at work, i always have people saying stuff like "can you believe this heat?" and in my head, i always want to say something like "i guess so. doesn't make sense to not believe it. if i don't believe the heat, what can i believe?" but instead, i just say something like "i know! it's really hot!" and they proceed to tell me that this feels like "september weather" or "east coast weather."

the same thing happened when it was cold in december. people were baffled. i find that really annoying. am i the ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD who remembers that weather is ALWAYS doing weird stuff? it's weather. it's relatively unpredictable.

every year there's a week or so in the fall when it gets really cold and everyone freaks out and says that winter came early. then it warms back up and winter comes around the normal time. then every february or march, there's a really warm week and everyone freaks out and gets excited and thinks that summer came early. but then it gets cold again and summer comes around the normal time.

and it blows my mind that people fall for the pump fake EVERY YEAR.
i think the only way to solve this problem is to make everyone live in a new climate each year. when i lived in ireland for a semester in college, there was this three week period of time when it didn't rain at all and it was sunny everyday. people would say, "isn't this weather strange?" and i had to answer "i don't know. i'm new here."

Monday, July 20, 2009

piglets are baby pigs

last night, i dreamt that i was chasing a piglet up a hill. someone was with me but i don't remember who. we couldn't catch the damn thing. and we just kept running uphill. when i woke up, for some reason, i wrote it down, sideways, in blogpost format.

i think something's wrong with my brain.

Fact

you guys know what?



know what kind of pizza's my favorite?

...free pizza!

i'm just teasin'! it's pizza with a cartoon face and a pencil thin mustache and weird yellow appendages who is rollerblading and giving me a suggestive look!

do your guys's pants whisper?

do your guys's plants sneeze?

in the south of the united states, you might ask your pals "do y'all's pants bleed?" when speaking directly with an audience of more the one person, when speaking about possessions belonging to each of them. but in the northern half of the united states, where i come from, we would directly address crowds of one or more person(s), about their possession(s) belonging to each of them, as "your guys's" (pronounced like "your guises").

and that ... is ... a ... difference ... between people.

i vote your guys's is funnier.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

we did it!

well, all of our hard work has paid off. we won the orlando contest that i was telling you about. we leave tomorrow to go have adventures galore in sunny orlando flerda! we have a new blog we'll be working on. it's called www.67daysmile.blogspot.com and patrick and i will be contributing posts on a fairly regular basis. so, be sure to check that out. and don't worry, i promise not to let my busy orlando schedule interfere with schoolpants.

oh! also, we're on twitter. which is new to me. but if you want to follow what we're doing in orlando on a minute to minute basis, check us out there. http://twitter.com/67DaySmile

Saturday, July 18, 2009

google, you're weird

i mean, i'm a pretty weird guy. i'm home alone on a friday night, reading, bored, and i decided to type "peter perter peanut berter" into google to see if there were any results.

what's weirder than me is the fact that there were "about 3,660 results." And even weirder than that, google asked me "do you mean peter peter peanut burter?" i thought to myself, "that's weird. why would google think that i meant peter peter peanut BURTER? that can't be a real thing, can it?" and out of sheer curiousity, i click on peter peter peanut burter, and google comes up with only 110 results and asks me if i mean "peter peter peanut butter," which still ISN'T A REAL THING.

i'm sure google is trying to direct me, ultimately, to peter pan peanut butter. but what pisses me off is this: a)google must assume i'm retarded; and b) google doesn't have the balls to, right off the bat, just come out and say "are you retarded??? do you mean peter pan peanut butter?"

i mean either tell me if anyone has made a website about this thing that i assume i have just made up, called PETER PERTER PEANUT BERTER or tell me there's nothing on the internet about it. don't give me the runaround and ask me if i meant "peter butthole tina turner" or whatever the crap. i know what i'm typing when i'm using google search! jeez.

Friday, July 17, 2009

coolest thing i've seen all day



i think this is great.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

my armpits smell like chicken noodle soup

i know it sounds weird, but when i'm kind of sweaty, and then the sweat dries, my armpits smell like chicken noodle soup. campbell's chicken noodle soup, to be exact. i made this discovery a few years ago when i was living in indianapolis. i immediately shared the observation with my friend and roommate, dave faulk. he didn't believe me at first, so i told him to smell for himself.

he took a whiff and gagged. "that smells like B.O." he argued.
i took another sniff. "no, it's chicken noodle soup."
he had his hand over his nose. he was angry. "no. that's B.O."

we still fail to see eye-to-eye on the issue to this very day. it's caused a lot of strain on our friendship.

one important lesson i took away from the whole experience was that if you want your friend to smell something gross, tell them it smells like something that doesn't smell gross. BUT BE SPECIFIC. for example, something like "hey, this dog poop smells like skittles," is a surefire way to convince your friend to smell dog poop. try it at home.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

not one

i can't think of a single thing about this photo that isn't funny. not one single thing. look at it. look at every detail. i dare you to find something not-hilarious. it can't be done.

Monday, July 13, 2009

doctor pants!

Cheap, affordable, and fairly inexpensive! And the best part is: they're not just for doctors anymore!

tired of dealing with pesky belts, zippers, and buttons, but still have too much dignity to wear sweat pants? me too. may i suggest doctor pants? they are lightweight, cool, and offer ample crotch space. just listen to these customer reviews:

"These doctor pants allow me to FEEL like i'm wearing no pants at all, yet they make my naked lower half virtually invisible to the public, in compliance with California state law." ~Nic M.

"I like to hang out at hospitals. They're cheaper than bars and the nurses are much friendlier to me than most women. The only downside of the hospital environment, in my opinion, was the condescending attitudes of some of the doctors and patients. But with my new doctor pants, I feel like I'm finally getting the respect I deserve. People take my advice now!" ~ N. Michaels

Thursday, July 9, 2009

for realz video application



so for that contest, basically the city of orlando (flerda) wants two nerds to ride all their rides and put internet things all over the place about how wild and crazy they are.

well my business associate, partrirk, and i thought it might as well be us two nerds because we'd do it if they gave us a place to sleep indoors and all that. so we made a video like the one i told you about. only, the one i told you about isn't the one we sent in.

this is the videotape that's gonna get us the gold cup.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

presidents: abe, jackson, jackson.



"A POEM BY ANDREW JACKSON"
by stan wentzel

presidents are famous because, well, if they aren't then who should be, for one thing.
and secondly, why don't you like presidents of the americas, huh, pal?
you don't like freedom fries?
you're a foolish boy if you don't! you better clean your plate, son!

andrew jackson, last september,
february, january, then november.
you are silly if you don't clean that plate.
a fool and a knave. no one of public favor.

hold your breath, friends. it's time for swim.

let's party.

he's an astronaut who loves to party

there used to be a time when astronauts didn't read poetry. but that's all changing.

i, for one, have always found the verb form of "party" to be hilarious.

someone: what do you want to do to-day?
me: let's party.

someone else: do anything fun last weekend?
me: (shrug) partied a bunch.

yet another someone: do you know any cool magic tricks?
me: i know how to party all night. wanna see?

i wish more people saw things my way.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

vague polls, burritos, veljohnson, & MJ

facebook just asked me the vaguest question: "in general, are you satisfied or dissatisfied with the way things are going in the US at this time?"
how can i possibly answer that? there are SO MANY things going on in the US at this time! i'm very satisfied with the lunch i made today. a burrito. which looked like a smiley face. in the US.


i am not very satisfied with the number of roles that are being written for TV's Reginald Veljohnson. in the US.
but i am very satisfied with how our drawings of marcus jackson turned out. i drew the one on the left. my roommate, adam, drew the one in the middle. and reginald veljohnson drew the one on the right.

animals!

I, personally, love going to zoo.

Monday, July 6, 2009

you can't beat a horse

video
i feel like i haven't finished a video in a long time. but i swear i've been working on a lot. so i put this together to feel like i'm doing something. it's not so much a story as it is a collection of fingernail clippings. and when i say "collection," i mean it metaphorically. it's actually more like a pile of fingernail clippings than a collection. i mean it's not like i COLLECT fingernail clippings. that would be gross. they just sort of fall in a pile. in an old jewelry box. which is labled "fingernail clipping collection."

Sunday, July 5, 2009

jury's still out on god

every so often i come across something like the above picture that makes me think, "this is clear evidence that god exists and that he is good."

but then i see something like the below picture and i think, "... no ... no, nevermind. the human race was all a huge, horrible mistake."
although, it is kind of cool that i was just able to type "douchebags" into google and this picture was the very first result. that at least makes me feel like there are enough people who know the score.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

spontanity: fun, not always wise

thursday night, after a few whiskey drinks, some beer, and one of the funniest shows i've ever seen, some friends and i started throwing around the idea of going to vegas. it was already 1am but no one had to work on friday and phil was sober and anxious to try his new car on a roadtrip. it took surprisingly little encouragement to get four of us on board. there was a brief moment when the plans seemed to have fallen through. phil had disappeared. we were all extremely disappointed. a minute later he was back. he had only been in the bathroom. the trip was back on. we piled into his honda civic and went to a gas station to load up on beef jerky, pre-packaged sandwiches, and a few of those cans of starbucks drinks. we were on the road by 2am.

around 3:30 we stopped to urinate on a place called Boron. there was nothing around and several million stars were visible in the night sky. it was cool. george's brother took a picture of us (see above). by 4:30 i was sober and enthusiasm was a thing of the past. george and his brother were asleep in the backseat. i was in the middle, leaning forward, talking to phil and brian. the sun was starting to come up. it looked cool. brian decided to take a 20 minute nap that actually ended up being more like 5 minutes, but he woke up refreshed and re-energized. by 7am, we were in vegas, completely exhausted.

we decided on the Orleans Casino, as it was the shittiest-looking one we saw. we played a few slots and looked for a place to eat. the French Buffet was closed. the sign displaying breakfast hours had been scribbled out. an employee told us breakfast wouldn't be served until 8. we decided to buy some movie tickets and sleep in the theater. but movies didn't start until 11. brian asked if rooms were available by the hour. of course they weren't.

we found a fuddruckers that was open. i had never eaten at a fuddruckers. i will never eat at a fuddruckers again. remember what really lousy cafeteria food tasted like? take that, shove in your exhaust pipe, drive around for a day or so, then heat it up in the microwave. THAT'S what fuddruckers tasted like.

out of ideas, we got back in the car and headed back to LA. i fell asleep in the backseat immediately. when i finally woke up, we were parked at a gas station. i asked brian if he wanted me to take over driving. he said no. i asked how long i had been asleep. "fifteen minutes," he told me. we were still in vegas.

what seemed like four days later, we arrived at home. the entire trip had been just over 12 hours. only one of those hours was actually spent in las vegas. it was a good trip. ill-planned, but good.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

no fragrance


i really like when they slow it down at around 2:40

"didn't even talk
so shy me
no fragrance
what should i do?
thump thump. just looking at you (ya~)
so twinkle twinkle. my eyes hurt (wo~)
no no no no no"

if you've ever been in love, you know exactly what they're talking about.

DLH

this previous saturday, i had the extreme pleasure of meeting a great hero of mine: david liebe hart. david is a gifted performer, songstress, seamstress, prophet, and bluetooth advocate. if you are unfamiliar with his work, i suggest you get familiar with it.
salamé.