THAT's what virginia is for?

is west virginia for fighters?

zits on your lip

right now, i have a big zit on my lip. the lip is not only the grossest and most embarrassing place to have a zit, it's also the most painful. have you ever had one? it's awful. just awful.

in conclusion, if i ever form a punk rock band, i would like to call it Zits on Your Lip. because that's the kind of attitude my punk rock band will have. disgusting, in your face, and just the most painful thing in the world to try to get rid of.

robot dogs?

not on my watch.

did you hear who's in town

when i was a kid, there was this popular joke where someone would say "did you hear who's in town?" and the unsuspecting victim of the joke would say, "no, who's in town?" and then the asshole kid would say "dick bruiser" and punch the other kid in the dick.

it was a stupid joke and i always hated it.

but incidentally, i just found out there was an actual wrestler named Dick the Bruiser.
he seems like a pretty cool dude, but i bet when he was a kid he loved jokes like the dick bruiser joke. i liked jokes like this one that me and my brother joe used to tell. i don't remember if we made it up or he just heard it somewhere. actually, the more i think about, the more i think joe must've made it up. it was something like this:

"what do you get when you cross an elephant with a car with sweatshirt with a lamp with bicycle?" (and then the person says "i dunno. what?") and then you say "the boy likes ice cream!" and you laugh like crazy, like it's the funniest thing you ever heard. and if they say they don't get it, you go, "okay. let me tell another one. what do you get when you cross a pair of pants with a traffic light with a video camera with an old sock with a rhino?" (and they say, i dunno. what?) and you say "the boy likes ice cream!" and you laugh even harder than the first time. and you can just keep doing it forever. just list random things and make the list longer and longer each time.

i thought that was the funniest thing in the world when i was 9 years old. and i still kind of think it is.

i can't stop being awake

i'm awake. and i'm not happy about it.
yesterday at work, a customer commented on how i looked like i needed to go home and sleep for about 3 days. i agreed with her. that's how i felt. i have a cold, i haven't been sleeping well, and i hate my job (or hated yesterday at least). so i went to bed last night at 8:30pm, thinking i was doing something smart. then i had a dream that i was with my brothers and sisters at a grocery store, stocking up on food. i woke up at 2:18am really hungry and pissed off at my younger brother because he was being so annoying in the dream.
around 3:30, i was still awake, hungry, and pissed off at my brother. so i made some soup.

i almost ate cereal instead. but i was thinking that cereal is something you eat in the morning when you want to start your day. and soup is something you eat at night at the end of your day. so that somehow convinced me that the soup would help me get to sleep.
i didn't.
it's almost 5:30am now and i wish i were dead. i mean asleep.

human soul

a lot of people imagine their souls as orbs of light, or like pastel-colored spheres, or like smoke. what few people know (actually, i might be the only person on earth who knows this) the human soul actually looks like a biscuit.

take that, moon!

last night, nasa threw an old satellite at the moon (which is also a satellite).

i think it would've been funny if the satellite somehow completely destroyed the moon. like, when it hit, the moon just shattered into millions of pieces. then Nasa would really have egg on their face. they'd be like, "crud."

people would be like, "WHY did you do that?!" and Nasa would be like, "i dunno." and we'd be like "what do you MEAN you don't know??? didn't you THINK? didn't you even THINK for one SECOND about what might happen?" and Nasa's like, "just wanted to see what would happen." and we'd say, "THIS! THIS is what happens! you destroyed our ONLY moon! i hope you're happy! are you happy?" and Nasa looks down and sort of kicks the dirt, "no." and we say, "well, we're not happy either. we really liked that moon. what's gonna happen to the tides now?" and Nasa shrugs, "i dunno." and we say, "well, i don't know either."

but instead, the moon wasn't destroyed. Nasa just made a couple of craters by throwing that satellite. can you see the craters that nasa made? look in the picture. see those craters? the ones next to all the other craters that cover the moons surface. yeah. those ones. Nasa made those.

jerk across the street

as if it isn't annoying enough to wake up to the LOUDEST GARBAGE TRUCKS EVER every friday morning, this week, we threw my annoying neighbor and his crazy dogs into the mix. i don't like my neighbor for three reasons: 1 he's always yelling at people and he's ALWAYS at his house, doing something out front, always ready to yell at someone. 2 his stupid dogs bark all the time, so loud i can't hear the tv sometimes. 3 his crazy wife beats the dogs. seriously.

one night, at like 2am, i woke up because this jerk was yelling at another set of neighbors. the young people in the house next to him were playing loud music apparently. the music wasn't loud enough to wake me up. but this jerk was. he was going berserk. and the young neighbor was calm and apologetic and this maniac just continued to scream at the top of his lungs about how it was late and he needed to sleep. the young guy was even like, "okay, we'll talk about this in the morning. the more you work yourself up about this, the harder it will be to get back to sleep. we turned off the music. just try to calm down." it was hilarious. this like 22 year old dude had to talk to this 60 year old madman like he was a child. because he is. but not in the good way.

and get your dogs out of the street you stupid jerk.

i don't feel like going to work today

i don't.

"the alleghenies" my favorite name for a mountain range

i like the alleghenies. i think it's a great name for a set of mountains. they may not be as big as the rockies. they don't have snow-capped peaks and they don't intimidate novice hikers. but they sure look nice next to a quaint old railroad town.
plus, how do they have SO MANY trees on them EVERYWHERE? it looks like someone just shoved as many of those train set trees as they could into a big hill.
furthermore, train set trees is a cool name for something. an album maybe? you can have it. maybe your band can be called the alleghenies and your first album could be called train set trees. here's your album cover: