an open letter

dear dog across the street,

why are you such a dick? you bark really loudly. don't you know that i'm trying to watch television? i like to keep the television volume at 30 because it's an appropriate volume and it's a nice round number. but when you're barking like a dick all the time, i have to turn it up as loud as 38 sometimes. 38 is not a nice round number.

also, there's absolutely nothing happening outside right now. there is NO reason for you to bark. your hours and hours of barking accomplish nothing. you are wasting your life.

in closing, just knock it off.

i hate you,
schoolpants

fire!

i used to love playing with matches. still do. in the third grade, my friend troy and i were playing with matches out on the playground during the girl scout carnival. the girl scout carnival was this annual event organized by the girl scouts. they would have it in our school's gymnasium. they'd have all kinds of games and prizes. they also had a maze where junior high kids would make out because it was dark in there. i was supposed to make out with a girl in there when i was in the sixth grade. but i chickened out. we just stood in there silently for like 20 minutes, then she tried to kiss me and i panicked and she kind of got me on the cheek. it made me really uncomfortable. then in seventh grade, i was supposed to make out with this other girl. we stood in there for like 20 minutes and then SHE chickened out. i was pretty relieved.

anyway, so in the third grade, we were outside playing with matches and this dude caught us. he was somebody's dad or something. and he gave us this big lecture about how we could've burned down the whole school and killed everyone inside. i pretended to cry and i apologized a bunch. he asked us where his parents were and we said inside. so he walked us inside, like he was gonna take us to our parents and tell on us. but as soon as we got inside, troy and i took off and lost him in the crowd. then we met up in the bathroom and talked about how crazy it was.

i still play with matches. i don't care what that guy says.

nortoli pratman

this week's schoolpants art project was a portrait of italian singing sensation, Nortoli Pratman.

all proceeds go to the Nortoli Pratman Center for the Treatment of Animals Who Have Experienced Inhumane Conditions (NPCTAWHEIC).

letters to schoolpants

i get lots of emails from my readers. day after day, hundreds of thousands of millions of letters appear in my inbox. some of them carry messages of thanks and encouragement. others contain marriage proposals or erotic photos. most, however, are letters asking for advice. i do my best at responding to every letter personally. actually i don't. but from now on, i'm going to reply to some in a segment i like to call LETTERS TO SCHOOLPANTS. here is today's letter:

Dear Schoolpants,

Hi. How are you? I'm lousy. I'm bored out of my mind all the time and I'm sick of everything. All I do anymore is work and sleep. In my free time, all I can think of is how rotten everything is. There's nothing to do. I try to eat but every type of food sucks. I try to watch tv but who wants to watch a bunch of morons pretend to do stuff. I try to read but everything's so damned boring. It just pisses me off. You seem like a nice enough guy. What do you recommend I do?

Sincerely,
Sleepless in Seatle

well, here's my advice: Seattle has two t's not one. my second piece of advice is: what your experiencing is a case of the doldrums. there's nothing you can do about it. just ride it out. write a blog or something. write anything. write about writing. write a letter to yourself and respond to it. it doesn't have to be good. just do it to pass the time. you're gonna be okay. and if things don't get better in a few weeks, you can run away and hitchhike across the USA and live like a hobo until you die. doesn't that sound like fun?

if you would like to contribute a letter, please email schoolpants@gmail.com

vomiting light

did you know that if you go three days without eating and then you get so bored that you barf, your barf will be a stream of pure light. it's true. actually, i don't know if it's true. but i feel like it should be true. because why isn't it true? i want more stuff like that to be true. real life is such a bummer. nothing bizarre or cool ever happens. i'm sick of it.

cartoons in real life

i don't like cartoons in real life. like when you go to disneyland and miggy mouse (who is a cartoon) is there with a human inside him. it's creepy. i went to disneyworld when i was 8 and i just remember being really turned off by the characters in costume. i found it really unsettling seeing these characters, who i liked, in this weird way. their faces were frozen in these creepy smiles and they can't talk or blink. they just move around in really strange ways, trying to communicate with their big stupid hands. i remember being especially disturbed by the way they laughed. these guys can't make noise OR change their facial expressions, so, to show laughter, they would shake and cover their mouths with their hands.

that's not how people laugh.

it pissed me off when i was 8 and it pisses me off now. miggy mouse should look like this.

bummer's disease

i don't think i've told you guys about this but i suffer from Bummer's Disease. bummer's disease was first discovered by Dr. Fredrick S. Bummer PhD., or "fred," as he commonly asked his students not to call him. fred was a professor of history at the University of Califlorida, a now defunct liberal arts school.

fred was always pretty down but when the university shut its doors for good, fred was especially bummed out. he stayed in his apartment for the rest of his life.

when fred died at the ripe old age of 99, scientists dissected his body to see why he was so bummed out all the time. they found a protruding lump in the back of his head, where his spine met the base of his skull. inside that lump was a peanut M&M.

apparently, certain people produce too much of a hormone which releases M&Ms into our body. this condition is known as bummer's disease. i've been told that my peanut M&M is really only about the size of a regular M&M. so, in theory, my bummer's disease is manageable.

some people think bummer's disease is a good thing. just when you start to think you're a real hot shot, you get a bummer's disease flair up and you remember all the reasons you're awful.

some people think bummer's disease is a bad thing because apparently when your bummer's disease is reminding you of all the reasons you're awful, it's lying or at least exaggerating. so it's making you feel worse than you really should feel.

some people think a lot of things.

if you or someone you know suffers from bummer's disease, give them a hug (if it's you, hug yourself. no one's looking).

stoolpants

you know what piece of furniture i think gets no respect? ... the stool.
it's the working man's chair. you're practically standing, you can easily change direction to face a different way, you're supporting your own back, so you're still alert. the stool is the piece of furniture of choice for any true man of action.

L right; R left

wouldn't it be cool if when you put the L headphone on your right ear and the R headphone on your left ear, the music played backwards?

one time my friend kienan asked me if there was anyway to play video besides forwards and backwards. i said "what do you mean? how else could you play it?" and he just kind of shrugged and said it'd be cool to play it another way. it was funny but i think kienan seriously might be from another dimension.

dirty dishes

everyone gets upset when their roommate doesn't do the dishes. here's a movie about it: