does it have a do not resuscitate bracelet

i don't feel comfortable making this decision.

know thyself

i can't believe i've never tested out how many grocery carts with buckets and trashbags i can tow in one haul. i wonder if i'll ever know.

premium weiners

weiners is a funny word and it always will be. deal with it.

my best friend, my momo

i love this guy.

chickenhead

i like this guy but i want to know the story behind him. there's so much about him i don't understand. he's part chicken, part man, that much is clear. but how? one human parent and one chicken parent? did his head get ripped off and the only hope to save him was with a chicken head transplant? whatever the case, why is he using his part chicken-part man celebrity to sell fried chicken? does he hate chickens? does he hate himself? or is the true purpose of existence for chickens only to be fried and enjoyed by humans? is he helping his chicken brothers and sisters reach their full potential?

also, i'd like to know if that's a good chicken place. i haven't tried it yet.

outerspace bubbles

Monkey and Doghead thought it could never happen to them. but they were wrong. anyone can get trapped in an outerspace bubble. be careful out there, folks.

the 7th floor

i'm scared of the 7th floor. i've never been up there but i've heard plenty of rumors. apparently, if you ever go up there, you end up back in the lobby somehow, only everything is upside-down. and you're stuck in this upside down world. and if you go outside, you fall into the sky and get burned up in the earth's atmosphere.

darn cat

i love this darn cat. i never much cared for cats until this little jerk befriended me. now i can't get enough of him.

directions

the future's wide open, friends! go wherever you want.

3 years of schoolpants

Friends and Enemies: gather ye round! for this day, the 3rd day of the 12th month of the 11th year of the 21st century marks the 3rd anniversary of this, the schoolpants blog.

oh the memories we've had on this journey of three years! i don't remember any of them but i know they're there! i can just click on the archive and see the old junk and, well you get the picture. it's all documented in the internet!

thank you for reading all the stuff and watching all things and looking at all the other things. i'll keep doing it til i stop doing it. i love you. sort of.

mechanical bull

when i was in college, one time my friend trent and i went to this party where they had a mechanical bull. a mechanical bull is a robot that looks like a male cow. but the only way that it acts like is a male cow is when some one sits on it. i don't know if you know this but male cows HATE IT when people sit on them. well, the robot ones do anyway. so we're at the party and this girl sits on the robot bull (which it HATES) so the robot bull starts going crazy trying to get this girl off his back and he tosses her up in the air and right as she's falling passed his head, WHAMMO, the mechanical bull turns hard and punches her in the head with his head! it was crazy. everybody in the place got really quiet except for one guy who said, "Whoa," really loud.

then she stood up and lots of people said things like "are you okay?" and she said she was okay. but she did NOT look okay. she looked punch drunk. plus alcohol drunk. she stumbled away and no one ever saw her again. legend has it she didn't go to our school.

golden birthday

a couple of days ago, i had a birthday. my GOLDEN birthday, to be exact. i had never heard of that. apparently, your golden birthday is when you turn to gold.

happy birthday everybody!

rainbow clouds

in indiana, we saw rainbow clouds. at first i was like, "no way! how is that possible?" but then i thought about it and was like, "wait, how is it possible that any clouds AREN'T rainbow clouds?" right?

who is profiting from this promaganda?

i always think it's funny when tv shows and movies make a big deal out of prom. it's bonkers! in real life, i don't remember a single person giving a shit about prom.

quit my job

 i quit my job, you guys. that was a pretty big stinkin' deal to me, i'll have you know. it was kind of sad and mostly anticlimactic. i remember when i was in 2nd grade, some kid was sick and missed a couple of days of school. when he got back, he didn't know any of the stuff he missed and he was really whiney about it and i remember my teacher, Mrs. Murphy, saying "the world doesn't stop when you're not here." it's a pretty heavy thing to lay on a 2nd grader. but she was right i guess. and that memory kept coming back to me my last day of work. i wanted it to feel like a big chapter of my life was over and i was moving on. but it mostly felt like any other day.

there was a pretty awesome moment at the end of my shift, though. i clocked out, threw my apron on the ground, raised both hands and said, "i'm out." my coworkers stopped what they were doing and applauded me, which was funny. but what was even funnier was a bunch of customers joined in clapping. and i'm 99% sure they had no idea why there were clapping.

then i went in the back and spent like a half hour cleaning out my locker. there was a lot of junk in that old hunk of crap. my friend sean and i would always cut stuff out of magazines and put it on each other's lockers. i left one clipping in there for the next occupant.

 it says, "my dog found my cancer." i left it in there because, what a great trick!

zam zarken

every year, 25 days after his birthday, i draw a picture for my buddy zam and every year i tell the story of how we met.
i met zam at the 1993 autumn olympics in west chesterfield, verhampshire, UK. zam was operating a make-your-own hot air balloon stand near the port-o-johns. i asked him how much. he asked me for the hour or all-night? i said, "you can teach me to make my own hot air balloon in an hour?"
he seemed confused but then recovered, "oh oh! right! uh, hot air balloons, sure. how much you got?"
"not much, i'm afraid," i was afraid.
"that's just how much it costs!" he exclaimed and snatched my pocketbook.
together we made a hot air balloon of old deflated beach balls. when we finished i was less than confident about the safety of the vessel. but when he asked if i wanted to take her up for a test drive, i didn't have the heart to turn him down. we flew up to about two hundred feet. "that's probably high enough," i said.
"nah, got really feel her out! test her limits!" he shouted back.
we got up to about 600 feet and that's when it happened, the entire town of west chesterfield was fire-bombed. we still don't know who did it or why. but all records of west chesterfield, the county of verhampshire, and even the entire 1993 autumn olympics have been destroyed.
anyway, zam and i have been good friends ever since.

Dirty Cigarette Rain Water

Did I ever tell you guys about the band I used to be in called Dirty Cigarette Rain Water? Every show we'd drink a dirty ashtray filled with rain water on stage. We'd all cheer each other on and dance around. It was a real spectacle.

Then the drought came. We didn't play a show for weeks. The band announced an official hiatus. We hated to do it, but we knew the show couldn't go on without rain water. We discussed having some shipped in from a nearby rainy town, but we worried our hardcore local fans would see this as "selling out."

When the rains came again, the band talked about doing more shows. But the more we talked about it, the easier it was for us all to admit that we didn't really like drinking dirty cigarette rain water on account of it tasted yucky. We tried to do a show without drinking any dirty cigarette rain water, but it didn't really go so well.  Backstage, after the show, I was feeling pretty down. I just kept going over the show in my head, trying to figure out what went wrong. I guess part of the reason no one liked us was because none of us actually knew how to play music. Plus we didn't have any instruments. Then I remembered that no one liked our shows before drought, either. And come to think of it, I was never in a band called Dirty Cigarette Rain Water. And wait a minute, is this backstage or a mental hospital?

I guess the life of big-time rockstar is just bound to be full of tough questions.

thanksgrabbing

Happy Thanksgiving everybody. I hope you all had a good one. Mine could've been lousy but ended up being swell. it started at 4am, heading out to my car to go to work and discovering that someone had recently thrown part of a cinder block into my windshield, creating a dinner-plate-sized spiderweb crack that was sure to be a pricey fix. Then I went to work to celebrate my holiday tradition of serving coffee to a bunch of jerks.

But after that, I got to skype with my family back home, which was really cool. Then I went over to Emily's to spend Thanksgiving with loved ones out here. It was very fun and nice and the food was good. The whole afternoon served as an important reminder that my family and friends are cool enough that just talking to them through a computer or spending an evening with them are fun enough to make the other crap not matter all that much. I'm very thankful for that.

i'm doomed

i forget sometimes. then i remember and it's a real bummer.

halloween is weird

for a lot of reasons.