what might have been

before we decided to live in the place where we live now, we thought about living in this place. the location was good and there was a lemon tree in the backyard but the house was tiny and the landlord hates jews.

it would've been an adventure but, all things considered, i'm glad we decided to live in the place where we live now. this is an adventure too.

good news/bad news

and we don't have time for the bad news.

i'm pretty weird looking

i remember being 8 years old and looking at my face in the mirror and wondering what i'd look like when i was in my late 20s. i remember imagining this cool cross between corey haim, kirk cameron, and michael j. fox.

little did i know i'd end up looking like a cross between david spade, rachel dratch, and nerdy jesus.

i feel like angry barfing

this is what i feel like right now:

i feel like an angry little dinosaur and all i want to do is barf on everyone's stupid heads!

i don't know what's gotten into me lately but i get moody. man alive, do i get moody. it's no fun. and man alive do i ever HATE not having fun!

pinky rugburn

i got a rugburn on my pinky, which is a weird place to get one of those, i guess. and boy, what a nuisance. every time i reach in my pants pocket it's like re-rugburning my pinky rugburn. it's probably the worst thing. i mean, as far as things go, it's down there towards the bottom. it's either "worst" or right there in one of those spots near "worst."

anyway, i have go to start a band called "pinky rugburn" now because isn't that fun to say?

man, i'm tired

like SO tired. today at work, i kept finding myself just staring straight ahead when i'd realize, "holy crap, how long have i been standing here?"

sleep deprivation is exciting.

baseball on tv

need to take a nap after work? i recommend watching a baseball game on tv. also, if you need to draw a super crummy drawing of baseball players, do it on your roommate's laptop using paintbrush and no mouse, just use the little square pad that makes it hard to hold the mouse clicker thing in while you move the pointer thing. you're going to like what you end up with.

also, if you want to realize how little "computer lingo" you know, try to describe that thing on laptops that you use instead of a mouse. it's an eye-opening experience.

oh, and if you want to feel really unsure about whether or not to use a hyphen, try throwing the phrase "eye opening" into your next blog post.

aw crud

okay guys: good news/bad news. the bad news is that my computer's broken. the good news is that a bunch of nerds are fixing it and it will be back to me in five days. right now i'm on my roommate's laptop. i'm in his room right now WITHOUT his permission which isn't cool of me at all. but i felt like i needed to let you guys what's going on. just PLEASE do not tell my roommate i'm in here using his laptop. if he finds out, i'm dead meat.

DEAD MEAT!

it's not me, it's astrology

so, to better understand my new-found violent anger, i turned to my horoscope and as it turns out, it's not my fault. you see, there's this thing orbiting the Sun and it's currently between Saturn and Uranus (the astrological region know as the Taint). so my horoscope KNEW i'd be pissed off right now. it warned me, "Projecting anger on to well-meaning friends and dear ones is a no-no. Making highly critical comments bites the dust." oops. looks like i bit the dust with my last blog post.

what i also find odd is that i've been tasting dust ever since moving out of my old apartment! (twilight zone theme song)

blind rage

do you guys want to see the stupidest thing in the history of closet doors? it's this. it's my closet doors. they have mirrors on them. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL. they have stripes on the mirrors!

these closet doors are just begging me to punch them to death. just don't put mirrors on the closet doors if you don't want mirrors on the closet doors! i don't even like mirrors. but if there's one thing i like less than mirrors, it's striped mirrors, which i didn't know existed until i moved into this stupid apartment.

actually, i like my apartment. i just hate everything about it, if that makes sense. for example, i like the size of my bedroom but i hate that the windows ALSO have these insanely stupid stripes. and i hate that the neighboring apartment building is like 8 feet from my window, which forces me to listen to the weird korean music that my neighbor is listening to, which makes me want to punch my neighbors' heads off.

sorry. i'm probably just taking all this anger out on my new apartment because my job is sucking the life out of me right now and i have to go back to that awful place in an hour and every time i think about it i want to punch holes in my face for having such a stupid job.

here's more stuff i hate right now: ever since i moved into this soulless, stripe-covered apartment, i haven't been able to write or be funny at all. and when i try to turn to my old friend, the internet to cheer me up, the internet connection sucks, and even today when i tried to watch the best show in the history of television (america's funniest home videos) even that pissed me off because there was this clip of a kid crying because his brother is reading him a book in which a dog dies. the kid's trying to cover his eyes and his mom makes him take his hands from his face so that she can better capture his crying on camera and these fucking jerks in the studio audience are yucking it up. it made me want to rip tom bergeron's head off for even allowing that on the show. and i like tom bergeron.