shark catcher

did i ever tell you guys about the time i caught a shark? it was january 2007. we boated out, baited our hooks, and cast our lines. within about 5 minutes, i pulled up this shark. he was none-too-happy about it and i was scared of him. i wanted to take a picture of me like petting him or something but he seemed bitey. so i didn't.

then we threw him back in the water and then i felt really seasick and i didn't fish for the rest of the trip.

it's a registered trademark

i used to think ronald mcdonald was playing soccer while throwing his cup away. but it's not a soccer ball. it's an R with a circle around it.

know thyself

i can't believe i've never tested out how many grocery carts with buckets and trashbags i can tow in one haul. i wonder if i'll ever know.

black energy

 you guys, mike tyson has an energy drink in poland. it's called black energy and it says "BLACK POWER!" on the top of the can. i just wanted to make sure you guys know that.

shameless plug

so i'm right in the middle of a big fight with Piston Honda and in between the first and second round, i ask doc (my manager) for some advice (boxing advice, obviously) and get this, he says to me "Join the Nintendo Fun Club today! Mac."

Are you kidding me?! I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A BOXING MATCH, DOC! also, why did you exclaim "Join the Nintendo Fun Club today!" and then add "Mac." as it's own sentence? you're a terrible manager and a weird human, doc.

jazzercise

good news guys: there's still a place where you can jazzercise.

bikes!

 you guys, we got bikes! we both got one and we somehow managed to fit both of them and the two of us into a tiny car. having bikes is awesome. as is having a tiny car.

this picture tells a story

this picture tells the story of emily wearing a tiny hat and rolling a gutter ball.

i like ramen

i like ramen. it's delicious and easy to make and practically free. how many foods can you say that about? i can only think of two. one of them is ramen and the other one i swore to samy sosa that i'd never tell anybody about. sorry.

i stink at chess

i stink at chess so dang bad. i don't even know why i bother playing every once in awhile. my computer knows how to play and i don't. and it makes me want to punch him in the stupid computer face. stinkin' jerk. i hate chess.

jogging

ADVICE: you may find yourself feeling a little down in the dumps. then you may remember hearing somewhere that jogging is a good way to clear your mind and cheer up a bit. but here's what really happens: jogging reminds you that you can't even do that right! then you've got one more thing to be bummed about.

schoolpants says: don't do it!

name dropping

i don't mean to brag but um, i hung out with mario and the princess yesterday. there were fireworks, hot air balloons and TONS of mushrooms.

nice try heineken

the other night, i was drinking a heineken and noticed some gibberish printed on the underbelly of the cap. i investigated the matter and discovered that by uncapping my heineken, i had unwittingly entered into a contest to win some bullcrap. i like bullcrap just as much as the next person, so i looked into redeeming my prize. i had to share the gibberish with my home computer to communicate with a heineken representative. i quickly received a message indicating that the gibberish i found on my cap was NOT going to earn me any bullcrap. the heineken representative encouraged me to play on, saying "got another cap?"

i quickly uncapped another heineken and poured it down my throat. "i WILL win something from this," i heard myself scream. i shared the new code with my computer and yet again i received another disappointing message and another plea for new cap.

this went on for a day or two before i realized: they're just trying to get me drunk! my mom warned me about girls like this when i went off to college. at that point i threw my last few cases of recently purchased heineken in the dumpster and punched my personal computer right in the face (monitor). "you won't scam this sap, you stinkin heinekeneken!" i attempted to say while barfing.

not on my watch

those mudbugs are infiltrating our hockey team!

should be called stupid water

this is stupid in so many ways, i don't know how to make fun of it.

bikeman

on my way home from work yesterday, i was stuck at a traffic light and, much to my surprise, a bikeman rode up and started performing bicycle tricks for me. it sure helped pass the time at that light. i almost didn't want the light to turn green! i could've happily sat and watched him do bicycle tricks for several minutes longer. he did some really neat tricks! but alas, the light changed and it was time for me to bid my new friend farewell. i shouted "thank you for helping me pass the time!" and threw whatever spare change was in my cup holder at him. most of it hit the car next to me. but, it's the thought that counts anyway, so who cares.

super powers

do you guys have any super powers? i have one, but it's not very good. and it hurts. every time.

jordan

do you think michael jordan has ever visited the country jordan? if my last name was jordan, and i had a bajillion dollars, i would definitely go to jordan. plus i bet people give you stuff for free because they think your dad or your grandpa owns the place or something.

bike dreams

if i had three wishes after watching this video, they would be:
1. i wish i lived in edinburgh.
2. i wish i had a bike.
3. i wish i could do this.

foosball

i love foosball. growing up, we had a foosball table in my basement. when i was around twelve, i decided i was going to practice a lot and get really good at foosball and then i would just be that guy who is awesome at foosball. i imagined myself in my twenties being really cool and being at a bar with all my really cool friends and there'd be a foosball table at this particular bar. inevitably, someone would say something like, "oh hey, they have a foosball table! anybody want to play?" and i would very nonchalantly say, "sure. i'll play." and then everyone would discover that i was secretly the best foosball player in the history of the world.

but i didn't stick with it. i mean, how do you "practice" foosball? it was a stupid idea.