driving cross country

when i was packing up to move, i found all kinds of old junk in my apartment. i was surprised to find the google maps map that i used to get out here to LA. what an adventure that was. highlights of the trip include: being offered a prostitute in missouri; watching the olympics at my friend carrie's house in oklahomeboy; seeing two old racist women get denied while trying to purchase alcohol at a gas station in new mexico; going to the grand canyon alone and almost falling off a cliff; buying a hunting knife from a native american man at a roadside stand and getting a very uncertain look from him as he told me "be careful out there." chill out kemosabe, i'm not gonna kill anybody.

can't sleep

man, so i'm in a new apartment now. moving in was a lot of hard work and i didn't get much sleep the last few days, so you'd think, "wow, i'm gonna sleep good tonight!" but guess what: i'm NOT sleeping good tonight! and you grammar nerds are probably thinking, "That's correct. You are not sleeping good. You're sleeping well." but you're wrong too, nerd! i'm not sleeping at all! i don't know what the problem is. i was lying down on my bed, the lights were off, i was doing EVERYTHING you're supposed to do to go to sleep but it's just not happening.

i don't want to get off on the wrong foot with my landlord but if i'm not asleep by 3am, i'm calling him. i mean, when you're renting someone an apartment, at least have the common courtesy to tell them if it's a non-sleeping apartment. renters have rights.

bookends

tonight will be the last time i sleep in this apartment. it will be much like the first time i slept in this apartment. i will sleep in my trusty sleeping bag on the floor of my bedroom. my bed is in my new bedroom in my new apartment approximately three miles from here. i could sleep there tonight, but i like bookends. i like when stories end the way they began. and the story of me living here starts and ends alone in a sleeping bag on the floor. i like that.
for much the same reason, i plan to die on a tuesday evening around 6:55pm, naked, screaming, diving head first.

marmelduke!

you guys remember when we were kids and every sunday morning we'd sit and wait on the front lawn for the paperboy to throw the morning newspaper at us so that we could tear it open and go straight for the funny pages to check in on the latest installment of Marmelduke??? and remember how every sunday morning we'd laugh and laugh reading that week's Marmelduke over and over and asking ourselves, "HOW have they NOT made this into a movie yet???" remember that?

for those of you who aren't into the funny-pages-scene, allow me to catch you up on why Marmelduke is the best American Saga ever told: Marmelduke is this really big dog, okay? not like "Clifford the Big Red Dog" big but like, realistic Great Dane big. and like, he just does whatever he wants! he loves sandwiches, he gets all excited when the doorbell rings, he doesn't like to take baths, basically he's a renegade. he plays by his own rules. and it is a riot!

what's that you say? it just sounds like a normal dog. like normal stories you'd hear from a dog owner? like it would be the worst thing ever to turn into a major motion picture?

yeah, i guess your right. now if you'll excuse me, i need to get back to work on my Family Circus script. (spoiler alert: billy runs around in the backyard for 2 hours)

where'd everybody go?

according to google analytics, NO ONE has looked at my blog in over two weeks. what the shrek, you guys?

classic

i don't like to pick favorites when it comes to my coffee mugs. i've got a lot of great mugs and i love them all equally. but the one i have today deserves some attention. it's such a classic coffee mug! my mom gave it to me when i moved to boston. she dumped a lot of her old stuff on me. i don't think i've ever bought a coffee mug. not for myself anyway. i bought a coffee mug once at a thrift shop in nebraska once but that was a gift for somebody else. this isn't a very well thought out coffee cup. i mean blog post.
anyway, i just wanted to thank this coffee cup for serving me well. i really enjoy it.

i don't know how he does these things

my friend, chris desanty, sometimes responds to things on facebook impossibly fast. also, he once drew the perfect five. i was there when it happened. he showed me right away and we both flipped out. it was all we could talk about for days. it sounds nerdy now that i'm telling you guys, but i assure you it was the coolest thing that ever happened. ever.

just checking in

every morning, one of the first things i do is check in with the internet.

baby pterodactyls

do you think pterodactyls were cute? i bet grownup pterodactyls thought baby pterodactyls were cute but, by human standards, baby pterodactyls weren't too easy on the eyes.

you remember

remember back in the 90s when everyone used to say "no sweat, josé" all the time?

i don't.