pretty darn good sammich

peanut butter, jelly, and banana. try it.

pb&j on a sd em

the other day, i made what i thought was a revolutionary lunch. it was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a toasted sourdough english muffin. it was delicious. i enjoyed it thoroughly and thoroughly patted myself on the back for this brilliant invention. when i bragged to my girlfriend about it, she informed me that she had made herself the same lunch just last week.

ear speakers

you know how mean old people say that you have two ears and one mouth because you need to listen more and talk less? well, i'm working on changing that. using only headphone speakers, simple wiring, and basic neurosurgery, i'm developing a procedure that would allow our thoughts to be amplified and shot out of our ears (BOTH ears) in any voice or accent you can think of. also, i take the tubes that go to your ear drums and wire them through your mouth. so to listen, you just have to open your mouth. can't hear to well? just open your mouth wider, dummy! don't feel like listening right now? that's easy, just shut your trap!

and because you're mouth needs to be saved for listening, you have to eat through your belly button! which means no more choking on stuff!

also, you sneeze out your butt now. i don't know why. there's always a few kinks to work out with new surgical procedures.

new car design

check it out, you guys! today i designed a car. it's maybe (probably) the coolest car ever invented. you sit in a safety pod above the all the engine parts and metal stuff that hurts people during accidents. and the safety pod comes off if the car gets smashed up, so you just bounce away. AAAAND, instead of a steering wheel, you get a nintendo controller to operate the car. and there are only three wheels instead of four because hey, just one less thing to deal with!

i know what your thinking: where's the stereo? just use your ipod, dummy.

the next question on everybody's minds is how do i go through the drive-thru at my favorite fast food restaurant? you shouldn't be eating that junk so much anyway, knucklehead.

if you work at a car place and want to build my invention and sell it to everybody, i'm okay with that AS LONG AS:

1. i get one of these sweet cars (periwinkle)
2. you give me one billion dollars (U.S.)

more halloween ideas

if you want more mobility in your schoolpants halloween attire, try the schoolpants mask that i invented. it doesn't make as much sense, but it's better than going as a slutty witch for the fourth year in a row.

almost halloween

your arms might get tired, but you'll be the hit of the party.

my nephew the robot

i'm working on a script called "my nephew the robot." it's about a robot that runs on candy and has a paper bag for a hand. when they authorities start asking questions, the quick thinking renegade scientist explains, "nah, he ain't a robot. he's my nephew." so then he has to get the kid (robot) enrolled in kindergarten and he has to teach (program) it to ride a bike. they get into all kinds of high jinks and have a lot of laughs along the way. and in the process, the robot becomes a real boy. it's a modern day Pinocchio.

just kidding. but, you know what's stupid? i just made all that up based on this short video clip i got of my nephew on easter but if i were famous and pitched that idea to disney, they would totally make it and i would be rich.

schoolpants version of the bible

you know how there's a king james version of the bible? well, someday, i would like to write the schoolpants version of the bible. it would just be my interpretation. and i think i'd edit out the boring parts. also, i'd have more dialogue. and action. and adventure. also, i'd have drawings and photographs throughout. and this would be the picture on the last page:
also, i think i'd change it from "bible" to "bibble." no real reason. just more fun to say.

Administrative Professionals Day

as you all know, last wednesday was national Administrative Professionals Day. we've gotten gobs and gobs of emails at schoolpant@gmail.com screaming at us about, "what's the deal? no special post for Ruth?!"

Ruth, as you all know, is the receptionist at the schoolpants headquarters. she's been with us since we opened our doors here december 3, 2008. she's the heart and soul of schoolpants. if it weren't for Ruth, we'd all be running our around like chickens with our heads tied together. and i'm not exaggerating when i say that.

here's the scoop: we didn't do a post for Ruth on wednesday because she was out of the office all last week due to a minor operation. not to worry, it wasn't anything too serious but it was a bit personal, so i won't go into detail. well, i shouldn't say it was personal, i guess. that sounds dirty. she was just having a mole removed. it was in a private area, so it is private i guess, but it's not like she got an STD or anything. i mean, the mole wasn't like ON her privates. but, you know, it was in the bathing suit area. so, she is a bit embarrassed about it.

anyway, we love you, Ruth! you mean the world to schoolpants! keep up the good work!

new feature on google

if you tell google something about yourself, it gives you a bunch of pictures as a prize for your honesty!

they can't build a better moosetrap

in order to catch a moose, you have to think like a moose. but, careful, don't think too much like a moose otherwise you're no better than a stupid moose.

fingernail clippers

i don't know who invented these things but, man, i'm sure glad they did!

new plan against petition people

this should've been a part of the last post. but i didn't think of it until just now. here's what we should do the next time the petition people try to bug us. right now, i'm thinking specifically of the greenpeace people but i think we could tweak it to work for any of these bullies. i remember greenpeace people would always say thinks like, "hey man, want to take a minute to help save the world?" then they ask you to give them a bunch of money.

well, next time that happens, as soon as they ask you if you want to save the world, get a crazy look in your eye and say "yeah! but i'm gonna need your help. i have a plan. it's perfect but i need about eighteen thousand dollars to get it off the ground. any amount that you could donate would be a huge help."

that'll show 'em!

and it works for anything. if someone's asking you to sign some petition to change some law. be like, "it's funny you should ask because i have a similar thing going. do you want to sign mine?" and then hand them a piece of paper, like an old receipt or gum wrapper, whatever's in your pocket.

if they try to sell you some garbage about how their organization is more legit, just kind of scoff and say, "oooohkay. but ... how do i put this nicely? ... hmm. see the thing is, people respond to me. i'm what you call a people person. i feel like - and don't get me wrong, i think it's great what you're doing - but i feel like i'm a better face for this cause, do you know what i mean? does that make sense?"

and if they still refuse to sign your petition or donate money to you, say something like, "okay, i feel like this discussion is just going in circles and meanwhile, neither one of us is saving the world. here's what we'll do. just have your supervisor give me a call and maybe i can work something out with him. here's my business card." and then hand him an old receipt or a gum wrapper, whatever's in your pocket.

red oval

have you guys had red oval? it's a beer. it's an awesome beer. it only costs $2.99 a six pack. and it has really cool cans. do you know what my favorite things about the can are? if you said the red oval, you're wrong. i like the gold/red/gold stripes at the top and bottom. i also like the amount of blank white space. i used to always say if i ever make my own beer cans, they'd just be white and say "BEER."

like the beers in repo man and in lost.

but now that i'm older and wiser, i think they would say "BEER!" with an exclamation point and they'd have stripes at the bottom and top. just like red oval. here's a rough sketch.

hot dog salad

tonight, for dinner, i was making hot dogs. and i was thinking about how they cook better in the frying pan when you cut them up into small bits. i know this because that's how i cook them when i put them in mac n' cheese. but i didn't have mac n' cheese. and i didn't have hot dog buns. and i don't like using pieces of bread as hot dog buns. because come on. it's just not the same.

so i thought to myself: why not just mash it all up together? that's how it ends up in my stomach anyway. so i cut up the hot dogs into bits so they cooked better and i ripped up some bread and squirted a bunch of ketchup and mustard in there and mixed it all up. and, thus, the Hot Dog Salad was born.
it did NOT taste very good. i do NOT recommend it. but to be honest, i WILL probably make this stupid concoction again someday because i AM stupid.

everyone knows this already

everyone knows pregnant women aren't supposed to drink outer space booze. why do they even put that in the warning? instead, they should list some things that pregnant women SHOULD do. like this: eat plenty of ice cream, read stories to your stomach, listen to mozart or some other boring music, learn a foreign language, tell your husband you love him, tv/vcr repair, pregnant yoga, watch plenty of AFV, avoid earthquakes, write a personalized lullaby for your new kid (the one in your stomach), eat plenty of ice cream.

pez dispenser

pez dispensers are these things with heads and you tilt the head back and this tiny brick of sugar comes out of the neck of the thing. some of the bricks are different flavors.

and THAT is what pez is. see how easy it is to invent things, guys? someone thought of that and probably described it to people and it sounded JUST as dumb as it did when i just described it. but you know what? that person made it happen. and now pez is a thing.

tonight's art projects

Firtst: i invented a pepsi-bird-guy.

Seconcd: i drew a hilarious picture of my friend Trentonto.

the king of coffee

i was really proud of this thing i invented at work. i call him the King of Coffee. i should've taken a picture of him from the side too because it looks like he's wearing a bluetooth. and that cracks me up. a lot of old dudes come into the coffee shop wearing bluetooths. for those of you who don't know, a bluetooth is a tiny phone that nerds stick to one of their ears and then they walk around talking to themselves. it's hilarious.

nerds.

"cloning babes" saturday mornings on nbc

i was just watching television when the strangest programme came on. it took place in a lab filled with nerdy old scientists. one nerdy old scientist runs into the lab and says to the other scientist, "i just had an idea: instead of cloning sheep, we should be cloning babes!" then the theme song starts and during the opening credits it shows the two nerdy old scientists leading the only female nerdy old scientist to a cloning machine. a bunch of clones of the female nerdy scientist start marching out. then it cuts to the two nerdy old scientists high fiving for like nine minutes.