pepto bismol

sometimes, back in boston, my friend Patrick and i performed at this open mike thing. mostly it was just kids from boston college and they would play guitars and sing and some would just read poetry. but me and patrick were different. we went up there and play toy keyboards and a trombone. and sometimes patrick would just play both and i would dance. one time, we sang the pepto bismol song over and over. it was my favorite thing we ever did. the crowd didn't really like it. if you don't know the pepto bismol song, i'll tell you the lyrics. it goes:
"nausea, heartburn, indigestion. upset stomach. diarrhea."
and it's just that over and over again. it's a list of things that pepto bismol cures, i guess. i like that it ends with diarrhea. that's the grand finale. no act can follow diarrhea.
anyway, here's the only known picture of us at that open mike:
the bartender thought we were really funny. i think he liked patrick a lot more than he liked me. but i was just happy to see him happy. he was a nice bartender. molsen was very cheap at that bar. that's what i drank when i was there.

TNT episode 3 (That's Not That!)

today we have a special STAR-STUDDED episode of TNT.

pez dispenser

pez dispensers are these things with heads and you tilt the head back and this tiny brick of sugar comes out of the neck of the thing. some of the bricks are different flavors.

and THAT is what pez is. see how easy it is to invent things, guys? someone thought of that and probably described it to people and it sounded JUST as dumb as it did when i just described it. but you know what? that person made it happen. and now pez is a thing.

i love zoo

yesterday i went to san diego zoo. it was great. i didn't take any pictures. but my friend brendan did. i hope he shares them with me. anyway, i saw very many animals at zoo. zoo is one of my favorite places. my friend adam came too. he really likes the smell of zoo. i'm not crazy about it. as always, the primates were my favorite part of zoo. but it's sad because they are in jail sort of. they know it. we know it. they know we know it. it's weird. but every time i go to zoo, i convince myself that i could easily live with a family of gorillas or orangutans. every time i see them, i make prolonged eye contact with one or more of the primates and we are always very casual and unassuming with each other. i really think that if i got lost out in the jungle and found a nice family of apes, i could hang out with them and earn their love. and if they killed me, i wouldn't even be mad at them. because we're in the jungle. and they have every right to.

palm trees date back to the 1980s

Daniel Palm came up with the idea back in the late 15th century, but the first palm tree wasn't built until 29 August, 1982.

i'm so tired

it's 3.45am and i'm off to work. i'd rather not be. if i were a stupid bumper sticker, i'd say i'd rather be sleeping. because man, i would. maybe not, now that i think about it. because i don't think bumper stickers need to sleep. but man, i do. i need to sleep. stupid jerk people make me get up and do stuff all the time. but, man, i just want to sleep all the time. man.

shark fins

today on the bus, a man who claimed to be from the future gave me a notebook. he told me to share the secrets within this book with the world. then he jumped out the window. i'll read you an excerpt that caught my eye:

Most people don't know this (because the Fat Cats in Washington don't want us to know) but iced cream is made up, primarily, of shark fins. Now you might be saying to yourself, "big effing deal! Sharks are ruthless man-eaters! Serves 'em right to get killed for our iced cream!" And while I share your vendetta against sharks, I ask you to focus on the greater issue for the time being: sharks, while undeniably evil, provide a specific and necessary service to all marine life. Sharks act as a sort of "border patrol" for the aquatic world. I mean, think about it, if your job wanted to transfer you to a new branch and then they told you your new home would be in the ocean, you'd be like "no way José! Sharks will eat me for shore!"

But then what if your boss, José, was like, "yeah, but guess what: all the Sharks are dead because we took their fins off to make our iced cream!" Then you'd be like "holy smokes!" and you'd already be thinking of sweet decorating ideas for your new underwater apartment. But then it hits you like a ton of bricks: If there's no more sharks, then there's no more shark fins, no more shark fins means no more iced cream! Oh my Cod, I'm living in an underwater hell with no iced cream for all eternity!" But then José calms you down. "That's why we're transferring you," he explains, "you're heading up the new iced cream division." It will be your duty to find a new shark fin substitute. You will test all the fins of the underwater community. When we find one that suits our needs, you will be the first underwater sea farmer. You will be to iced cream what Buzz Aldrin is to astronaut iced cream.

pandas are the chimpanzees of the bear world

have you ever got up close to one of these things? ... me neither. but i imagine it'd be like looking into a mirror. not a normal mirror. but like a magical mirror that doesn't reflect things as they are, but as they would be ... if everything was a bear ... from china.

acknowledge your limitations

you can't really speak french and i can't really write in cursive.

it's sooooo hot

it is sooooo hot in my apartment, i am genuinely concerned that my computer is going to melt. i don't know if that's possible. but that is what i am worried about. if my computer melted, my life would change a lot. i can't afford a new computer. so without one, my life would have no email, no video editing, and worst of all, no blog. can you imagine? i can. i have a great imagination. just yesterday, i was imagining if the moon was a person and he was bored up there all by himself so he was always calling us people on earth and asking what we were up to. he'd be like "hey man, whatcha doin?" and one of us would be like "nothing." and he'd be like "nothing? you're just sitting in a dark room doing NOTHING with absolutely NOTHING going through your mind? c'mon. what are you doing?" and we'd be like, "i'm at the grocery store. i'm grocery shopping." and he'd be like "cool. whatcha gettin?" and we'd be like, "(sigh) i don't know, Moon. just stuff. stuff to eat. i gotta go." and he'd be like, "okay okay, i'll let you get back to your precious grocery shopping (sarcasm). give me a call when you get back to your place." and then you go home and you're unloading your groceries and he calls you and he's like "hey man, thought you were gonna call me when you got back to your place?" and you're like, "yeah, i was just gonna put the groceries away first." and he's like "whatever."