complaints department

i bought this four pack of tennis balls at the dollar store and they are NOT tennis balls. they don't even bounce. they're rock hard. but that's okay because i just got them for my halloween costume and now i use them for juggling practice.

i stink at complaining.

i've got good news!

this was another candy bar at the candy store. i didn't try this one although i liked the look of it. and i like the name. it's fun to say "i've got good news!" and then hold up a candy bar that is called good news. also it says "celebrate!" and yellow star. and i think that's good advice. and apparently i use the phrase "good news" a lot.

sky bar: the candy bar from heaven

if you ever see one of these in a candy store, buy and eat it. trust me on this one. juuuuuust trust me.

cow hoof wine bottle

i didn't get this for christmas but it's still a pretty cool gift. and i forgot to tell you guys about it when i got it, so why not now? why not? you don't have a good answer.
so i'll tell you: my friends brian and george gave me this for my birthday. at first glance, it's just a foot that somebody cut off of a cow. big deal, right? but there's more to it than that! it's ALSO a wine bottle AND it has a strap. so you can fill it with wine and take it on the go! passersby think you're just wearing a lucky cow's foot around your neck but in REALITY, you're drunk in public! it's a win-win!

ken doll

i got a kindle for christmas. a kindle is a robot that can be just about any book you want it to be. but if you don't touch it for a few minutes, the robot turns into a picture of something book-related! so now when i fall asleep while reading (which i do every time i read), i wake up to the image of a famous author!

BOOZ

I was at a holiday party recently, being really hilarious, when I happened upon this wine cork. Being the hilarious person at a party can be hard work, but sometimes you just get lucky. When I happened upon this wine cork, I knew that this was one of the "lucky" times. The wine, apparently, was from 2008. My first thought was what anyone would think, "gross! who brought the expired wine?" but my next thought was something only a hilarious person would think: "upside down it looks like a phonetic spelling of the word "booze!"

Then I made sure to shove in the face of every single person at the party, so that no one felt left out. "Look what it says!" I would shout, "It says booze because that's what it is! It's from a bottle of booze!" I said "get it?!" a lot to make sure that each person got it. A lot of people said, "yeah, I get it" but they didn't laugh. They'd just sort of roll their eyes or push me away. I guess they were just embarrassed that they didn't get it. That's the tough part about being the hilarious person at a party. Sometimes your sense of humor is just way too sophisticated. You have to remember that not everybody "gets" everything. And you have to remember not to call them stupid idiots when they don't "get" a hilarious joke. And then you have to remember that you can't take that bottle of wine with you when they kick you out of the party. And then you have to remember not to cry when they all call YOU the stupid idiot after you tell them you don't want that wine anyway because it expired two years ago.

santa traffic

i wanted to wait until after christmas to post this because i didn't want to get on a naughty list and screw up my chances of getting a bunch of awesome gift cards for christmas. now that next christmas seems like a bajillion years away, i'm ready to get this off my chess: i got stuck in traffic the other night. people on the streets were taking pictures and cars ahead of me were rubbernecking. i couldn't figure what the heck was causing all the hullabaloo. i drove patiently and cautiously until it was my turn to rubberneck. and guess who i saw! ol' saint nick himself! lounging on a recliner on a flatbed truck!

the nerve of that guy! he's got a super awesome sleigh and eight FLYING reindeer. he could be flying above all of us, accomplishing the same goal, and not clogging up the streets. instead, he's wasting gasoline, causing a hullabaloo, goofing up the roads, attracting rubberneckers, making it nearly IMPOSSIBLE for me to get to wendy's as fast as i could to get a junior bacon cheeseburger.

merry chrispants

wishing you and yours the merriest of christmases from all of us here at schoolpants dot blogspot dot com.

good advertising deserves my business

if i ever go bald, i am going to buy this product. not because i think it works, but because i want to help support the people who made this hilarious poster that i laugh at every time i see.

Dirty Cigarette Rain Water

Did I ever tell you guys about the band I used to be in called Dirty Cigarette Rain Water? Every show we'd drink a dirty ashtray filled with rain water on stage. We'd all cheer each other on and dance around. It was a real spectacle.

Then the drought came. We didn't play a show for weeks. The band announced an official hiatus. We hated to do it, but we knew the show couldn't go on without rain water. We discussed having some shipped in from a nearby rainy town, but we worried our hardcore local fans would see this as "selling out."

When the rains came again, the band talked about doing more shows. But the more we talked about it, the easier it was for us all to admit that we didn't really like drinking dirty cigarette rain water on account of it tasted yucky. We tried to do a show without drinking any dirty cigarette rain water, but it didn't really go so well.  Backstage, after the show, I was feeling pretty down. I just kept going over the show in my head, trying to figure out what went wrong. I guess part of the reason no one liked us was because none of us actually knew how to play music. Plus we didn't have any instruments. Then I remembered that no one liked our shows before drought, either. And come to think of it, I was never in a band called Dirty Cigarette Rain Water. And wait a minute, is this backstage or a mental hospital?

I guess the life of big-time rockstar is just bound to be full of tough questions.