getting older is weird

growing up is weird because when you are a kid and you eat coins, you get in SO MUCH trouble and your parents freak out and won't leave you alone. but when you're older and you eat coins, people mostly just stay away from you.

TNT part 2 (that's not that!)

well schoolpants's new hit game show, That's Not That!, is back for a second episode. this week, we learn about maps, driving, condiments, and maps. play along at home by yelling "THAT'S NOT THAT!" at each picture you see. then giggle and clap your hands.

the beach

i'll tell you two things i like about the beach:
1) when you're on the beach and your looking out at the ocean, you know everyone is behind you. well not EVERYONE but most of your countrymen are behind you, inland. and the way you're facing, there's no one in front of you for miles and miles and miles.
2) the other thing is watching babies eating sand. because man, those guys know how to party.

best birthday evaaaaaaaaaaa (falling off cliff)

yesterday was my birthday. birthdays are awesome because everybody's supposed to be nice to you. sometimes some people aren't. those people are dicks. so what i did, is i hung out with people who i knew weren't dicks. that's how i knew they'd all be nice to me.
my friend brian invited some friends and me to a place called morro bay. my friend margaret baked a cake for me that read "yay nic!" and it had flowers made of sugar and there was supposed to be a bear pooping but the bear wouldn't stand up.
also, we went to a place called hearst castle which is more of an "obnoxiously large house" than a "castle." hearst was this guy whose dad was rich and then he owned a bunch of newspapers and then he bought whatever he wanted to put in his house. stuff like art and zebras and polar bears and tapestries. and he had a cool looking pool where the tour guides get to swim on mondays. anyway, some girl took our picture at hearst castle and then demanded money. we said yeah right. one of my friends grabbed the picture and then i tackled the photographer and we flew over the edge of a cliff because i tackled her too hard.

That's Not That! (TNT!)

this is a new segment i would like to introduce to the schoolpants show. i call it "that's not that!" or TNT for short. i don't think i really need to explain the rules. i'll just show you what it is.



i've done something like this before. but now it's more fun because i have a name for it now.

picture texts

i recently received two picture texts, via cellular phone, which i thought were cool/funny. the first was from my friend kienan. it said "Holy cow! I think a space ship is going to eat the coliseum!" and it had the following picture:

the second was from my friend patrick. he was staying at a hotel in philly, or new jersey or some place, that advertised a comedy show where you could go and "laugh little." i really like when typos tell the truth. and i like when people capitalize every word in a message except the words, "night," "every," "the," and "and." and i like when people use six exclamation points!!!!!!

burritos

"burritos" is like the only real meal i know how to cook. it's easy because you just cook ground beef and throw a bunch of seasoning in. then you warm up a tortilla and throw the meat on it with some cheese and whatever else you want in your burrito.
other than burritos, i mostly just cook frozen foods. or canned soup. or i make sandwiches.
a couple weeks ago when i was watching hilarious people in new york, matt walsh and ian roberts were doing a cooking show on stage and showing easy food you can make to impress girls. matt walsh made some weird quesidillas in the microwave. owen burke was playing the show's stage manager. he was handing quesidillas out to people in the audience. he gave me the last one. and that made me feel special.

i'm just gonna buy mine online

my grandpa's birthday

today's my grandfather's birthday. he's 95 or 96. i can't remember. the guy in the picture is not my grandfather. i don't have a picture of him. he doesn't play the violin. or maybe he does and he just never told me.
anyway, my grandpa is awesome. when i was a kid i thought he was hilarious because he always made fun of my grandma. but not in a mean way. also, he would drink a martini everyday and he'd give us the olive. we would fight over it. i love olives. and i didn't know it but, i guess, as a young child, i also liked gin and vermouth because that's what the olive tasted like.
my grandpa grew up on a farm in southern indiana. he had a ton of brothers and a few sisters, but only he and seven of his brothers made it past childhood. they all went by their middle names, which i guess was like an irish thing that people used to do. my grandpa's parents were from ireland. anyway, they all have cool names like omer, mac, elmo, fred, frank, and gus, just to name a few. anyway, when my grandpa was in high school, he took this civil servant exam just because he figured why the hell not. then after high school, he moved to indianapolis and got a job washing dishes while he went to night school. then one day, two of his brothers showed up in indy because they got this letter back home that said he did well on that civil servant exam and he was offered a job in washington dc as a messenger. so he hopped on a bus out to dc and took the job. he rented a room in this building and one of the girls in that building turned out to be my grandma. anyway, he worked as a messenger for awhile, getting paid a thousand dollars a year, which i guess wasn't too bad back then because it was during the great depression. he started taking night classes at this small college that was put together by a few georgetown professors. when he graduated from there, he got a job with the IRS. he was there for awhile and had a few kids. my dad was one of them. then after awhile, he moved the family to fort wayne, indiana. they bought a house on standish drive next door to this big family. one of the girls in that family was my mom.
the men in my family are very lazy about going out and looking for girls to marry. but so far they've been lucky with living extremely close to pretty good ones. not me. my neighbors are weirdos.

schoolpants summer of fun tour '09

well, the weekend of 14aug09 saw schoolpants in new york city (usa). this past weekend (21aug09) was stop 2 on the schoolpants summer of fun tour '09: St Louis, Mizzuhhhh (also usa).
new york city is sort of up in the right-hand corner of the continental united states. st louis is sort of in the middle. sort of. where will i be next weekend (28aug09)??? stay tuned to find out. nah, i'll just tell you. i'll be in california. it's on the left of the country.
st louis was fun. they have this big dumb metal arch there and every time we saw it, i'd go "hey, st louis arch" and point at it. i thought they built the arch back in 1944 for the worlds fair that took place in st louis. boy was i wrong. they didn't build it for that at all. and the worlds fair was there in 1904, not 1944. have you ever seen that movie "meet me in st louis" starring judy garland? well THAT was made in 1944 and it takes place at the 1904 worlds fair. i had to watch that movie for my intro to film class when i was a freshman in college. i don't remember much about that movie but i remember having to write a paper about how this scene in the movie where people are trick-or-treating is a metaphor for world war II. i think it was the first paper i ever wrote in college. i was nervous. i think i got a B.
anyway, st louis was fun. i was there for my brother's bachelor party. it was fun because it was the first time EVER where i got to hang out at bars with ALL of my brothers at once. it was awesome. they are funny guys. also, my brother's friends were there. i would always try to tag along with them when they were in high school and i was in junior high because i thought they were hilarious. now we're all kind of grown up and i still think they're hilarious. and my brother's college friend was there. he's hilarious too but i never felt like i was tagging along with him. because i was already like 17 by the time i met him so he never treated me like a little kid. even though i was a little kid when i was 17.
hey, the st louis arch!