just kidding, she's great at drawing. and spelling. and look how happy she made me look. i was really touched. i kind of felt bad that my picture of her was just a piece of dog poo with a bunch of stink lines coming out of it.
Friday, April 30, 2010
this is nic
just kidding, she's great at drawing. and spelling. and look how happy she made me look. i was really touched. i kind of felt bad that my picture of her was just a piece of dog poo with a bunch of stink lines coming out of it.
winking
did you guys know: winking is really funny. it's a very strange gesture. i think it's sign language for "our little secret." but it can mean a lot of things. other meanings include: "go along with my lie;" "hello;" and "let's do sex."
no matter the interpretation, it makes me laugh. so give it a whirl. wink at a stranger today.
schoolpants version of the bible
you know how there's a king james version of the bible? well, someday, i would like to write the schoolpants version of the bible. it would just be my interpretation. and i think i'd edit out the boring parts. also, i'd have more dialogue. and action. and adventure. also, i'd have drawings and photographs throughout. and this would be the picture on the last page:
also, i think i'd change it from "bible" to "bibble." no real reason. just more fun to say.
try explaining wind
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Thursday, April 29, 2010
Administrative Professionals Day
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Ruth, as you all know, is the receptionist at the schoolpants headquarters. she's been with us since we opened our doors here december 3, 2008. she's the heart and soul of schoolpants. if it weren't for Ruth, we'd all be running our around like chickens with our heads tied together. and i'm not exaggerating when i say that.
here's the scoop: we didn't do a post for Ruth on wednesday because she was out of the office all last week due to a minor operation. not to worry, it wasn't anything too serious but it was a bit personal, so i won't go into detail. well, i shouldn't say it was personal, i guess. that sounds dirty. she was just having a mole removed. it was in a private area, so it is private i guess, but it's not like she got an STD or anything. i mean, the mole wasn't like ON her privates. but, you know, it was in the bathing suit area. so, she is a bit embarrassed about it.
anyway, we love you, Ruth! you mean the world to schoolpants! keep up the good work!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
schoolpants on twitter
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schoolpants.blogspot.com will continue as planned. the twittle stuff is just bonus footage.
knockoff nyquil
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i don't want to tell you how to live your life. but don't do it. unless you want to have these crazy terrifying nightmares all night where you are walking to the bank at 3am for some reason and you think you see a tiger in the parking lot but then you get closer and realize it's just a lemur and you think "cool! a lemur!" and the next thing you know there is a lemur on your back and he won't let go and he's making this crazy sound that you've never heard before and suddenly you're surrounded by about ten of these lemurs and you don't know what to do. if you want that, then by all means, take the expired generic nighttime cold medicine. don't measure out the dosage. just take a big swig out of the bottle and then go to bed at 4 in the afternoon.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
thoughts on being sick
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or maybe they do things like "jog" and "eat vegetables" and "drink water" so that they never get sick.
either way you slice it, i'm cooler than they are. and you should see the stuff i'm coughing up. it's pretty cool too.
i been sick, yo!
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look, it still counts as being sick! you don't have to barf to be sick! my head hurts and i can't breathe out my nose and i cough up stuff! i don't know where it comes from. my lungs? maybe. how does it get in there? maybe it is from my stomach. maybe i am barfing. how the hell should i know? i'm sick! just feel bad for me, okay!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
earth day
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remember that song "he's got the whole world in his hands?" we used to have to sing that as kids and we'd clap to keep the beat. i remember thinking the clapping felt inappropriate given the lyrics. then again, the song wasn't about me, i guess.
anyway, today is earth day. did you know that earth day was invented by a guy named Senator Gaylord Nelson? pretty funny.
moving on, i vote we live on the coolest planet. i mean, i'm open to the idea that there could be cooler planets out there somewhere. but of the planets that we really know anything about, we win for "coolest." i mean, other planets don't even have giraffes. wtf? get with it other planets. rings and moons are kind of impressive but if you ain't got giraffes, you're not even in the running.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
not working so good
workin good
Monday, April 19, 2010
wolfman
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Friday, April 16, 2010
500 days of schoolpants
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A lot has changed and a lot is the same as it was five hundred days ago. I guess that just goes to show you: time is stupid.
Anyway, keep up the good work reading this blog. Let's reconvene in another five hundred days and see where we're at. Here are my predictions: You and I will both be happier and better looking.
davey foust's birthdate!
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dave is like a brother to me. sort of. i mean, i didn't meet him until i was nineteen. what kind of brother isn't around until your nineteen? a lousy one, if you ask me!
so the guy's a lousy brother. sue me! anyway, the guy can play a mean harp. i remember when we met at the Marion County Fairgrounds Third Annual Harp and Banjo Extravaganza Day. i was there selling banjo strings and trying to get my demo to a big banjo mogul named Clayton Frodhahmber. i was milling around behind clayton's trailer when i saw davey digging through clayton's trashcan. i grabbed him pretty hard by the arm.
"what's the scoop, chickadee!?" i demanded of him.
"i can't find my harp and my big recital is in ten minutes on the main stage," david squeeled.
"a likely story," i belched.
"it's true," he pleaded, as he winced at the smell of my belch.
"tell it to 'em downtown, bubba!" and i karate chopped him on the head. it knocked him out but it also really hurt my hand. i started crying pretty hard and when i get worked up like that i have a tendency to hyperventilate. so i fainted and when we came to, there was a crowd gathered around us. as my blurry vision came into focus, i realized that my hero was standing over me, mister clayton frodhahmber himself. he made some joke that insinuated that david and i were lovers. everyone laughed really hard. i guess the way i fainted and fell on him made it look like we were spooning.
anyway, long story short, davey's harp was in the trunk of his car THE WHOLE TIME!
happy birthday stupid!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
new feature on google
hill street blows
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anyway, i went to court because i'm a criminal. i'm a loner, a rebel. i just don't play by society's rules. but i got there and waited in line for a long time just to go through the metal detector. then i waited in line for a long time to talk to a guy in a window. and all he told me is that i had to go back in july to REALLY go to court.
i better hurry up on my neck brace and briefcase.
Monday, April 12, 2010
as far as hauntings go,
what ever happened to neck braces?!
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and briefcases! do people carry briefcases to work anymore? what the hell is going on in the world?
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i have a birthday coming up, in four months or so. if you're looking for any last minute gift ideas, here are the only two things in the world that i want: 1)foam neck brace; 2)old boxy briefcase.
i promise to wear the neck brace and carry the briefcase whenever i'm in public. i'll even sport a mustache and a three piece suit. when people ask where i'm headed, i'll say "court." and they'll say "you suing someone?" and i'll say, "no. basketball game."
check out this broad. what's her problem? she has two of my most wanted accessories. cheer up:
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Friday, April 9, 2010
my sense of humor
i think, from now on, when describing my sense of humor, i am just going to reference this video. my friend Parsnip Rule showed it to me and i've watched it several times since. it is so perfect. everything about it is so weird and hilarious.
it starts with some awesome inspirational/generic music and some text that's in the type of font you see on motivational posters. the text reads "this is the story of amy and her friend who go out to get frozen yogurt for her grandma." i love awkwardly worded phrases. if it were my video, i probably would've tried to go more awkward and thrown in a few typos. but amy's better than that. she knows a little subtlety goes a long way. but the best part is: the rest of the video IS NOT a story about two ladies getting yogurt for grandma. that's not what it's about at all.
what follows is two women wearing almost matching shirts, trying not to laugh. an old woman opens a door and babbles about how "we're just goin' ... nuts in here." more awkward lines. more funny text. then my favorite part, the conversation. the two women have written out a boring conversation and they read their lines to each other from sheets of paper in their laps. but again: subtlety. you only catch them looking down once. another subtle move: they both hold spoons of yogurt. they don't eat the yogurt.
then, of course, come the snazzy effects and las vegas footage. the cheesiness has gone up a notch and the subtlety down a notch, but they've earned it.
and there you have it. a perfect video. it's everything that i think is funny.
it starts with some awesome inspirational/generic music and some text that's in the type of font you see on motivational posters. the text reads "this is the story of amy and her friend who go out to get frozen yogurt for her grandma." i love awkwardly worded phrases. if it were my video, i probably would've tried to go more awkward and thrown in a few typos. but amy's better than that. she knows a little subtlety goes a long way. but the best part is: the rest of the video IS NOT a story about two ladies getting yogurt for grandma. that's not what it's about at all.
what follows is two women wearing almost matching shirts, trying not to laugh. an old woman opens a door and babbles about how "we're just goin' ... nuts in here." more awkward lines. more funny text. then my favorite part, the conversation. the two women have written out a boring conversation and they read their lines to each other from sheets of paper in their laps. but again: subtlety. you only catch them looking down once. another subtle move: they both hold spoons of yogurt. they don't eat the yogurt.
then, of course, come the snazzy effects and las vegas footage. the cheesiness has gone up a notch and the subtlety down a notch, but they've earned it.
and there you have it. a perfect video. it's everything that i think is funny.
tennis outfit
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i laughed out loud. the best part is that they were dead serious. that was a totally normal conversation in their world. i made myself a promise right then and there. i promised that no matter what, whether i ever married or picked up tennis, i WILL someday casually mention in public which souvenir hats go with my tennis outfit, in hopes that some young joker nearby gets a kick out of it.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
matt's burpday
today is my brother's birthday. today, he turns older than me. every year, he turns older than me. it's been like this since we were kids. but i guess you'll have that sort of one-upmanship in a house with four boys. i guess it all started when he was born before me. from that day on, i was always struggling to keep up, wearing the same t-shirts, eating the same breakfast cereals, even sporting the same hairdos, like this one seen below (i'm the white kid in the front):
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my brother joe and i had to have the "spike" hairdo, just like matt, so that matt knew we were on the level. i think we failed to impress him. but at least we got a cool hairdo out of it. maybe it wasn't that cool. i think, in our minds, it was supposed to come out like the hairdo of one of favorite basketball men, Scott Pippens:
but we failed at that too. someday, somehow, we'll have Scott Pippens-style flat tops. and maybe then we'll earn matt's respect.
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my brother joe and i had to have the "spike" hairdo, just like matt, so that matt knew we were on the level. i think we failed to impress him. but at least we got a cool hairdo out of it. maybe it wasn't that cool. i think, in our minds, it was supposed to come out like the hairdo of one of favorite basketball men, Scott Pippens:
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Sunday, April 4, 2010
good news!
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HAPPY EASTER
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Verizon Wirelies Presents: Schoolpants, A Blog Story
Good News, Gang! This blog has been purchased by Verizon Wirelies! Now, in addition to getting all most up-to-date Schoolpants news, you will also get special deals and coupons for all your Wirely needs!
From now on, look no further for news regarding:
ha. suckers. what are you, stupid?
From now on, look no further for news regarding:
- Verizon text message phones, internet plugs, and microchips;
- All the latest fashions of pants worn to school;
- Cellular telephone coverage maps;
- Computer Pants.
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