tonight's portrait

tonight i decided to draw a picture of the man who stands outside my window and watches me draw. i don't know much about him apart from the fact that i think his name is NOT robert.*

*it might be robert. i don't know.

spider or crab?

this was by my car yesterday. i couldn't figure out if it was a giant spider or a tiny crab. so i let it live.

pepper spiller

hey! why come it's bad luck for me to spill the salt but this dude can spill pepper all day long with no negative repercussions?

ladery

this is siz. he's in the sixth grade. i don't know what ladery means. i don't know why i wrote that.

that is not at all how you spell that

for some reason, this spelling makes me feel like it's a dish from outer space.

black belt

you guys: be really careful around this dude. he's a black belt. he doesn't always wear his black belt around, so it might be confusing. but he wears ballet tights a lot and usually carries a grenade and a lit stick of dynamite. be on the lookout! i repeat: he is a black belt!

nice try heineken

the other night, i was drinking a heineken and noticed some gibberish printed on the underbelly of the cap. i investigated the matter and discovered that by uncapping my heineken, i had unwittingly entered into a contest to win some bullcrap. i like bullcrap just as much as the next person, so i looked into redeeming my prize. i had to share the gibberish with my home computer to communicate with a heineken representative. i quickly received a message indicating that the gibberish i found on my cap was NOT going to earn me any bullcrap. the heineken representative encouraged me to play on, saying "got another cap?"

i quickly uncapped another heineken and poured it down my throat. "i WILL win something from this," i heard myself scream. i shared the new code with my computer and yet again i received another disappointing message and another plea for new cap.

this went on for a day or two before i realized: they're just trying to get me drunk! my mom warned me about girls like this when i went off to college. at that point i threw my last few cases of recently purchased heineken in the dumpster and punched my personal computer right in the face (monitor). "you won't scam this sap, you stinkin heinekeneken!" i attempted to say while barfing.

better than chicken water?

this stuff claims to be better than bouillon, but i can think of about a gajillion things that are better than bouillon. like super nintendo. super nintendo should change it's name to better than bouillon.

this is where i go when i'm stressed out

i don't know if you can see, because i took this with my camera phone which is mostly just a phone and then sort of kind of a camera, but this sign says "FREAK OUT / SHUT DOWN."

video on funny or die homepage

so, a video i directed got featured on the funny or die homepage. i made it for the UCB sketch team The Get Go. they are funny and so is this video! here:

Personal Security Instruments:  The Murder Flute and More! - watch more funny videos      

racist salad

i don't know if you can see it but somebody wrote RACIST on this salad billboard. i don't know why they did it. i didn't do it. ...what, i didn't.

no seriously, i didn't.

the origin of pepper

where does pepper come from? not from peppers, right? peppers are green or orange or red or yellow and pepper is black or grey or dirty blonde or whatever.

my birthday's coming up

if anybody wants to drop $750 on these beastie boys action figures for me, that would be ill.

cafe?

more like mcbullshit, am i right?

my best friend my butler my fortune

dudes! did i even TELL you there's a new episode of butler out featuring the world famous Beyonce and the universe famous jessica jardine?

well there is. watch it and let me know if you think it's lousy or if you think it's swell.

strawberry seed the frog

 this is a frog we met in indiana. he was tiny and awesome. his name was Buster Roger Jack Joe Squishy Squashy Strawberry Seed. or just strawberry seed for short. he was named by my nephews and nieces and he likes to jump high and be tiny.

capitan cat

this handsome fella is Capitán Cat Crazy Eye of the Crazy Eye division of the local Cat Army. he's not to be trusted, but he's still my favorite.

dinosaur mustache

if dinosaurs would've just grown mustaches, they never would've gone extinct! THERE! i said it!

wall-e's girlfriend

it's my personal opinion that this apple mouse looks like wall-e's girlfriend.

happiest dumpsters

it's official. the happiest dumpsters live in indiana.

bathroom art

some bathroom graffiti is cooler than other bathroom graffiti.

phone

remember when you had to go to places other than your pocket to use a phone?
me neither.

rainbow clouds

in indiana, we saw rainbow clouds. at first i was like, "no way! how is that possible?" but then i thought about it and was like, "wait, how is it possible that any clouds AREN'T rainbow clouds?" right?

so old

i'm so old, when i was a kid, being a loser was a BAD thing!
~Herman K. Dadjoke

family pants

i recently visited home to see my family. it was really fun. my girlfriend spilled an alcoholic beverage all over my parents' wall and reclining chair, as well as the crotch of her own pants.

speaking of pants, and my family, and my girlfriend, above you will find a photograph my girlfriend took of a place called family pants. it's like schoolpants but family instead of school! get it?

... how do you not get it?

dino dinner

sorry i haven't blogged in so long. i got eated by (and subsequently throwed up by) a dinosaur.

robots can't get enough schoolpants!

suddenly a billion robots are following me on twitter! i don't understand it, but i'll take it! when the robot revolution comes, i'm wanna be on whatever side's winning.

not on my watch

those mudbugs are infiltrating our hockey team!

lamp

lamps are awesome. i like lamps a very lot.

ghost dog

AAAAAH! Crash is haunted!

nicest thing anyone's ever said to me

I appear trendy, you guys! I appear trendy!!! A robot with a hotmail account sees me as TRENDY!!!