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weiners is a funny word and it always will be. deal with it.

hidden jokes

i got a card for my niece for her first communion. it had like four sides or maybe five sides. i don't know. i don't remember it folded up. but two of the sides were kind of hidden in the fold and they didn't have any writing on them. but they still had drawings on them. and the drawing was a pastoral scene with lots of happy animals. and just behind each animal, i drew poops. because that's usually what's behind animals like that in real life. and that is very funny to me. and i don't know if she'll notice it. but i took pictures of it before i sent it to her so i could always look back and make myself laugh at animal poops i drew.

the laundry room

the door to the laundry room says "loads of fun." get it? loads.

seals

seals are lazy.

one of my favorite jokes is about seals. i used to say it a lot. you go, "what's a seal's favorite class in school?" and the other person goes "i don't know. what?" (or some variation of that) and then you go "art art art," like how a seal talks and while you say it, just for emphasis, you clap your hands together like a seal does.

so old

i'm so old, when i was a kid, being a loser was a BAD thing!
~Herman K. Dadjoke

you might be a redneck if ...

you might be a redneck if your neck is the color red.

i'm sorry i made you look at my weird freckly back and weirdly too-straight back-of-the-head hairline.

remember when jed fockswerthy got famous for jokes about sunburnt necks?

holy!

this is the funniest comic strip i have ever read and i am proud to say that it was written by my nephew.

BOOZ

I was at a holiday party recently, being really hilarious, when I happened upon this wine cork. Being the hilarious person at a party can be hard work, but sometimes you just get lucky. When I happened upon this wine cork, I knew that this was one of the "lucky" times. The wine, apparently, was from 2008. My first thought was what anyone would think, "gross! who brought the expired wine?" but my next thought was something only a hilarious person would think: "upside down it looks like a phonetic spelling of the word "booze!"

Then I made sure to shove in the face of every single person at the party, so that no one felt left out. "Look what it says!" I would shout, "It says booze because that's what it is! It's from a bottle of booze!" I said "get it?!" a lot to make sure that each person got it. A lot of people said, "yeah, I get it" but they didn't laugh. They'd just sort of roll their eyes or push me away. I guess they were just embarrassed that they didn't get it. That's the tough part about being the hilarious person at a party. Sometimes your sense of humor is just way too sophisticated. You have to remember that not everybody "gets" everything. And you have to remember not to call them stupid idiots when they don't "get" a hilarious joke. And then you have to remember that you can't take that bottle of wine with you when they kick you out of the party. And then you have to remember not to cry when they all call YOU the stupid idiot after you tell them you don't want that wine anyway because it expired two years ago.

tim hank

i think it's funny when you use a search engine and then it asks you if you meant something stupider than what you actually asked for. like last night, i was looking for this hilarious movie i made about actor/comedienne, tim hank, in which i cleverly edited tom hanks to make it sound like he said, "hello, i'm tim hank." i was very proud of this editing trick. anyway, i searched "tim hank" in youtube and it found my video but it also asked me, "did you mean tom hank?"

it's funny because tom hank is also not a person.

get it?

it's funny because my reading glasses are on OVER the sleeping mask.

...is that what that thing is called? a sleeping mask? that doesn't seem right.

prilosec OTC

patrick and i have a hard time keeping up with all the new slang these kids are using. but we do our best to stay current.

"blackboard" by the beetles

if you guys know me, you know i'm a big beetlemaniac. it's my humble opinion jon lemmon and pal mccarthy are among the finest songsmen of our generation. their 1979 hit "blackboard" is among my favorites. when i worked out the tablature on the banjo, i just had to share it with the rest of the world.

blowing kisses

did you guys ever notice how blowing kisses is the funniest thing you can do, ever?

try it out, you jerks! it's hilarious!

the frasier kranes show

have you guys seen Frajir? it's this hilarious show about the british guy from Cheers. he has this hilarious dad who's ashamed of him and there's a dog that does tricks! then there's this other guy who's just like frajir and he's in love with frajir's butler. oh, and frajir is a radio dj. it's AWESOME!

seriously, i like frasier. it's funny.

pretty good joke

i don't know who came up with this one but it's always been a staple in my repertoire. holy shit i spelled repertoire right on the first try!

winking

did you guys know: winking is really funny. it's a very strange gesture. i think it's sign language for "our little secret." but it can mean a lot of things. other meanings include: "go along with my lie;" "hello;" and "let's do sex."

no matter the interpretation, it makes me laugh. so give it a whirl. wink at a stranger today.

not working so good

oh crud! it's raining! i bet that tv's not working good anymore. somebody should take that paper off it.

workin good

there's a tv across the street, sitting in a bed of ivy, with a sheet of paper taped to it that reads, "workin good."

that's funny to me.

snailmate

where do snails find their shells, i wonder. the sea shore? i doubt it.

Verizon Wirelies Presents: Schoolpants, A Blog Story

Good News, Gang! This blog has been purchased by Verizon Wirelies! Now, in addition to getting all most up-to-date Schoolpants news, you will also get special deals and coupons for all your Wirely needs!

From now on, look no further for news regarding:

• Verizon text message phones, internet plugs, and microchips;
• All the latest fashions of pants worn to school;
• Cellular telephone coverage maps;
• Computer Pants.

Also, I'm going to live at home with my parents from now on, which means no more photoshop pictures. We only have microsoft paint here. So pictures from now on will only look like this:

ha. suckers. what are you, stupid?