Friday, February 27, 2009


a few days ago at work, a customer was eying the pastry case and asked me about the bearclaw. "it's good," i replied, "it's not like a real bear's claw. it's a pastry. named for it's physical similarity to the claw of a bear."
"what's in it?" she asked.
"pastry," i shrugged.
then my assistant manager intervened and listed some ingredients, "eh, almonds, marzipan." i laughed. they ignored me. he continued, "yeah, it's good. not too doughy. it's got almonds and marzipan," he reiterated. i laughed again.
i asked myself, "what is marzipan and why does it make me laugh?" so i asked my friend, The Internet, and she told me all about it. still, all i know for sure is: a)it's made from sugar and almonds; and b) people sculpt it into fruit shapes. so if you want candy, but you want it to LOOK LIKE you're eating fruit, you gotsta get you some marzipan.
can't decide where to start your quest for marzipan? why not start with these fruits from carrie, from missouri, tried them and "was just thrilled." in her review titled, "big and tasty," she listed "durable" as one of the Pros, but added, "a little sweet for my taste, as most American candy is, but hey." listen, terrorist, if you don't like sweet candy, why don't you move back to afghanistan. but hey.
or you could make your own marzipan-shaped-fruits with this 3 pound bucket of PURE MARZIPAN: latishia from florence, south carolina raves, "this is some great marzipan and showed up at my door in the expected time frame."

i don't trust my phone anymore

now that my phone doesn't vibrate anymore, i'm worried about what function is going to stop next. i was thinking it would be the ringer. but that doesn't make sense because up until now, i rarely used the ringer. so then i started thinking the microphone thing would stop. but i don't use that much either. then i thought maybe the display. i use that ALL the time to check out what time it is.
so now i'm worried i'll have to start wearing a watch all the time.


i live in a strange land. a few days ago, there was a man parked on my street who was playing music from his car stereo and dancing with two scarves in the street. he laughed at cars trying to pass him. he danced for hours. it was strange.

i took these pictures from my kitchen window. i also took some video of him. maybe i'll do something with the video later. maybe.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

more on crappie world

i was just looking at the back of this subscription invoice and discovered that i am the winner of an Abu Garcia Rod and Reel Combination. then, in the PS, they threaten to take away my rod and reel, "If I do not hear from you within 10 days, I'll assume you are not interested in the rod, reel and 100 crappie lures and remove your name from the drawing." so it's a drawing? i'm not a winner! oh well, who needs 100 crappy lures when i've got 10 good ones at home?
it's a pun!

crappie practical jokes

i got a subscription invoice from Crappie World yesterday. Crappie World is a fishing publication that focuses specifically on the Crappie breed o' fish. Crappie World works in association with Bassin' another fishing publication. Bassin' is also a verb meaning "fishing for bass." one might say, for example, "What are you up to this weekend, Pierre?" and Pierre might reply, "well, Jean-Luc, i think i'm going bassin' on sunday."

anyway, someone apparently signed me up for Crappie World as a practical joke. the weird thing about practical jokes is that they're almost never practical. and sometimes they aren't really jokes. but i like this one. for obvious reasons. crappie world looks like crappy world which is how some people view the world. not me. not today, anyway.

last year someone got me a subscription to Good Housekeeping. or something like that. one of those women's magazines. i figured it was one of my brothers. but they denied it. do you know who is sending these magazines my way? please offer insights.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

the nic michaels show starring gary shandling as larry sanders

well, it's up. i edited this movie late last night. it's a weird one. but i like it. i named it "the nic michaels show." i didn't want to name it that. but the thing is this: there's this other d-bag on youtube who calls himself "nic michaels" and he has this lame video about divorce and it really bothers me that when you type "nic michaels" into the youtube search, that video pops up. i really don't want old friends of mine saying, "hey i haven't spoken with nic in awhile. last i heard, he was in film school. i wonder if he has anything on youtube." then they find this video that i didn't make. so anyway, it's a lame reason to name this video after me. but i just want one of MY videos to pop up first when people type my name into the youtube search.

we're different

i woke up at about a quarter to one this afternoon. that's pretty late but not entirely out of the ordinary. and not obscenely late considering i was up until around four editing this stupid video that's taking FOREVER to upload on to youtube.

so i moseyed on out of my room and had a quick chat with my flatmate, adam. he, as always, was working from his laptop, in pajama-like garb. he pointed out how we clearly don't quite follow the normal rules of society. we work strange jobs and keep weird hours and spend a lot of time in pajama-like garb. time doesn't mean much to us in the way that it does to others.

that reminded me of something that happened last night at work. we have this thing at the coffee shop where you pay a bunch of money and then you get a "free" pound of coffee each month. so these two dudes come in, with their card that says they're in this club, and they want some coffee. i've actually never dealt with these cards and i was always under the impression that no one ever took advantage of this "deal" that we offer. so i was asking another employee what i was supposed to do with this card they handed me. i needed to write the kind of coffee, the date, and my name. so i said "what is today, the twenty-first?" and everyone laughed at me. the customers and my fellow employees. "it's the twenty-fourth," they corrected. "oh," i joked, "i must've been asleep for a couple days."

but really anymore, i rarely know the day of the week. i know it's late febraury2009. i thought that was enough. because what does it matter really? dates and times are all made up anyway.

Monday, February 23, 2009


cloning is illegal right?

we have to go back to the island

so i was just checking out that "laughs on appleseed" video i made and after it ended, one of the recommended videos that popped up was this song called "i don't know" by lisa hannigan and it's awesome. it's a terrific song and a really cool video. and it takes place in a pub where i think i got drunk one time.

and it reminded me that i need to get back to ireland sometime relatively soon. i get the urge, now and then, to go back. recently, i was thinking of getting in touch with some american friends of mine who were living in ireland the same time i was, and frantically warning them "we have to go back to the island," like jack from LOST. i think it would work.

anyway, check out this video for "i don't know" if you like cool irish folk music and cool videos. all of her videos are really cool actually, like this one with the coolest pop-up book ever; or this one, with banjo; or this one, which especially makes me want to go back to ireland and talk to old friendly drunk people in pubs.

the trannies are back

i live in a Weird place. i like Weird. but this place isn't always my kind of Weird. for example: about a block from my house is a place i call "tranny central." it's an intersection in my neighborhood where there were ALWAYS big scary tranny hookers hanging out. it was really uncomfortable because they always stare you down when you drive past them. and having to walk past them on foot ... oh man, terrifying. they are all broad-shouldered, big-breasted men ranging anywhere from 5foot11 to 6foot4 in height. and they all have extremely masculine, and eerily demonic, facial features. if it were possible to scream and barf at the same time, that's what would happen when you accidentally made eye contact with one of these creatures. but, alas, it is not possible to scream and barf at the same time, so what ends up happening is that you just kind of feel cold inside and you feel like sitting in the shower for an hour or two, just crying.

they scare the jesus out of me. but i kind of like having them there, so when people visit, i can say "did you see all the trannies?" and then a funny conversation always follows. always.

but anyway, a week or two ago, my roommate saw some police officers giving the tranny-hookers a hard time. then they disappeared. i thought the days of tranny central where in the past. but guess what, the trannies are back ... with avengance. in the old days, there would be like one or two at a time hanging out at this intersection. but the other day, there were like SIX.

i was glad i was in my car and not on foot. i was also a little glad the trannies were back. the neighborhood just wasn't the same without them.

laughs on the set of john appleseed

in april2007, we made a movie called "john appleseed: spreading the seeds of justice." it's a silly movie.

last night i discovered that i was in possession of all the footage from that shoot. so i grabbed a few clips and chopped 'em up. it's a silly movie.

we got ghosts

so i was spending some times in my living room when i heard a peculiar noise, specifically, a peculiar ghost noise. you know that ghost noise that i'm talkin' about? it's like how cows make that moo-sounding noise, but, you know, ghost instead of cow.

so anyway, i grab the 'ol toilet bowl cleaner wand and i just start flailing around like a maniac. i don't know whether i'm hittin' the stinkin' things or not. but i know they're there. so my odds gotta be pretty good.

anyway, so this is a photo that our automated security system snapped off during the tussle. pretty clear there's some paranormal presence.

Friday, February 20, 2009

here's what i think about cinnamon toast crunch

cinnamon toast crunch is good. i never ate it as a kid. it never appealed to me. i didn't like the cartoon chef guy. he seemed like a weird ripoff of snap, crackle, & pop, the rice crispie guys. rice crispies was another cereal i wasn't crazy about as a kid. we'd always have sugary cereals. so whenever we'd have rice crispies, i'd have to add sugar to make them taste good. and i always thought it was annoying that i had to add my OWN sugar. the sugar should be included in the cereal.

anyway, in college, i lived in this house where there was almost always cinnamon toast crunch. but i'd never eat there. because i was a waiter at this sorority house and i'd always steal all my food from there. but at some point, i think my senior year, i finally tried cinnamon toast crunch and i loved it. i loved the way the cinnamon tasted with the milk.

one time, in 2007, i went to puerto rico and had some weird drink that was served to me in a coconut. i think it was just rum, coconut milk, and cinnamon. it tasted like cinnamon toast crunch with rum in it. it was delicious.

my stinkin' alarm clock doesn't work

my phone is always set to vibrate. always. i think all phones should always be set to vibrate. all of them. always. i think it's obnoxious when someone's stupid phone loudly plays some stupid song while they search for it in their pockets/purse.

i feel like it's pointless to own an alarm clock in this day and age when EVERYONE owns a cell phone and EVERY cell phone is an alarm clock. but i also feel like it would be obnoxious to have my phone play some stupid song every morning to wake me. so, my alarm clock is also set to vibrate. always.

but apparently the vibrator inside the crappy LG phone that they give you for free at the verizon store can only vibrate so many times.

a few days ago i was late for work. very late. i had slept through all three alarms AND like ten phone calls from a co-worker. i woke up baffled. how could this have happened?

this morning i slept through the alarm again. i decided to do an experiment. i set the alarm for one minute in the future. a minute later, no vibration. son of a betch. so i had my roommate call me. again, no vibration. sonuva beeeeetch! i checked the ringer. that works fine.

so now i guess i've gotta be one of those assholes with his ringer on. yee-haw.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

tabloid teasers: best board game ever?

last night, in a far off land called "monrovia, CA," i played a game called Tabloid Teasers. never heard of it? well, it was released in 1991 by Pressman Toys, the fine people who brought you such classic board games as Michigan Rummy, Giant Pick Up Sticks, Deluxe Wood Michigan Rummy, and Black Heritage Trivia Game (for the record, in this writer's opinion, there is nothing trivial about Black Heritage).

here's how tabloid teasers works: you get part of a real tabloid headline. but part of it is missing. so you fill in the blank, by writing your answer on a tiny piece of paper and handing it to the reader (each round, one person takes a break from writing in order to read the other headlines) so the reader reads all the fake headlines, AS WELL AS the real one. the writers each guess which one the real headline is. if you get it right, you move one space. if someone guesses your headline, you get to move another space.

sound like a stupid game? it is. but if you're playing with hilarious people, it's the best board game ever. seriously.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

wrong numbro

i got this video-text at 2:33am from a wrong numbro. please stop texting me.

sike. i made it.

sam harkenharken

9 days ago was my buddy sam sharkenrider's twenty-6th barthday. sam's not just one of my buddies. he saved my life (more like shaved my wife! now, THAT i would LIKE! ... i'm kidding. he really did save my life. my wife is dead).

when i met sam, he was going under the alias, "clark salmon-rider." and he was working as an oil rig safety inspector. clark was really bustin' my balls about the specs on my main drill bit. i said to him, "look barfen-fifer! i got CONTRACTS sayin' i gotta drill HERE. but i CAN'T til ya sign these here papers sayin' my drill bit's in working conDITION!"

anyway, long story short: he saved my life. unfortunately, he was unable to save my wife's life. in the years since, sam and i have become pretty good friends. except now he goes by "mark harkensammer." he's a wedding planner in Plano, Texas. i draw him a barthday card every year. starting this year.

happy barthday pal.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

video texts

here's some footage i got on my iphone of my friends, trent and dave, hiking in the forest. we were just hiking. and i was doing some stuff on my iphone. and so i was just like what the heck. savor the memories. you only live once right? might as well get it all on your iphone.

maybe in the future, when people die, at the funerals, other people will just show everything on the dead person's phone and on his/her facebook account. and that will be the eulogy. and if that person is really important, then his/her phone and facebook are his/her autobiography.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

sandworms: ace!

i like it when things are funnily said.

for an example: a few whiles back, some person left such a comment on my youtube movie that's called sandworms, "Where is the sandworms?"

crap like that really gets my laughs!

yesterday, my movie sandworms got another funny comment: Hahaha, this movie is ace.

i emailed my friend Pepep on the computer and he emailed this back to MY computer! can you believe it?!

Sunday, February 8, 2009


so in the summer2007, d-sant & p-diddle & i talked about making videos about these guys who sit on lawn chairs and talk about stuff. and the camera just shows these guys. it doesn't show they stuff they're looking at and talking about.

well, we never made those videos. so one night, we decided to shoot something like them. but we hadn't written anything. and it was cold out. so we wanted to stay inside.

anyway, my computer died after that. so. i lost the footage. but, i had the short 3-4min quicktime file of the finished product. only, it wasn't that funny. so, i edited it down some more. only, it's still not that funny. but, at least it's shorter.

anyway, i was apprehensive about putting it online. but, then i thought of writing a youtube description where i acted like the three characters were robots. only, i keep calling them "rowboats" instead of robots. the idea cracked me up. so i did it.

if you don't feel like watching the 2min video, at least read the description:
scientists experimenting with "Artificial Intelligence" successfully engineer three rowboats who can think for themselves. the scientists send a babe to walk through the rowboats' fields of vision. we observe as the rowboats describe hypothetical situations. we also hear soliloquies from each rowboat, giving us insight into rowboatic ethics. scientists hope this will help us predict what the world will be like when rowboats take over THE WORLD. docu-drama. PG-13. 2min11sec.

Friday, February 6, 2009

doctor slinkyeyes

i don't know how kienan manages to edit these videos on his phone and send them to MY phone with music and text. but dag-gum-it: he finds a way.

i present to you, another video from kienan@work.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

fruity pebbles


the reflection of christmas lights always always always makes me think of fruity pebbles. i love fruity pebbles. and i love christmas lights. they are probably my favorite cereal and type of lights, respectively.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

slinky beard!

sometimes kienan sends me video text messages. this is the one i got yesterday.

music by Patrick Rule.

whiskey discs

last night, i accidentally knocked a glass of whiskey over and it spilled on a big stack of blank DVDs. so then, i had to wipe them all off and set them out to dry.

WHAT A PAIN IN THE NECK! where did that phrase come from? i've rarely had pains in my neck. but, from what i recall, they were not as inconvenient as a lot of situations that are described metaphorically as a "pain in the neck." i think we should change that phrase from "pain in the neck" to "pimple on the edge of my lip" because man, have you ever had one of those suckers? holy smokes, they hurt like the dickens. AND they're embarrassing and inconvenient.

patrick rule music timecapsule!

so now that i know how to get stuff from my phone to my computer, i remembered that i had one (1) video on my phone. i'm guestimating that it was from july of 2007. it's a video of my good friend patrick rule fooling around on a keyboard. the vast majority of summer2007 was spent working at a coffee shop, drinking bourbon, and listening to patrick fool around on his keyboard. at the time, i called it "the worst summer of my life." now i call it, "the blurst summer of my life."

oddly enough, the extremely crappy quality of this video pretty accurately depicts my memories of summer2007.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

coolest homeless guy

the other day, i was standing on the sidewalk, talking to friends, when a homeless dude approached us and said "hey, you remember me?" and we all grumbled our own version of "no," and he said, "you owe me a dollar." and we all got even more uncomfortable and shuffled around and avoided eye contact and mumbled things like "sorry" or "that wasn't me" or whatever. and then he said, "i washed your car and you said you'd give me a dollar." so i said, "i don't have a car." then he put his hands up to his face in a very cartoony way and said "oh no! i washed the wrong car!"

and then he walked away. it was hilarious. if i see him again, i'm totally giving him a dollar.

p.s. that picture up there isn't a picture of the homeless dude i was talking about. that guy up there is some other guy.

Monday, February 2, 2009

groundhog day!

well, today is groundhog day and we all know what that means: absolutely nothing.

but one thing that today makes me think of is that wonderful foreign film "atrapado en el tiempo," starring guillermo 'bill' murray (in his first spanish speaking role!) as that wacky weatherman, stuck in Punxsutawney, PA due to an unexpected blizzard.

today also makes me think of groundhogs. commonly referred to as "nature's hamsters," groundhogs have played an integral role in the world we live in today. without them, we likely wouldn't have modern irrigation, basic alegebra, or an additional six weeks of winter each year. so next time you pop an "mp3" into your car radio to listen to your favorite record ... thank a gofer.

or groundhog or whatever. same difference.

the actual roach

so i finally figured out how to get pictures from my phone to my computer. TECHNOLOGY! so here's the actual roach that was in the laundromat. it's a pretty crummy photo, but trust me, she was huge. and on the right side of the photo, you can see the white gum that she chewed on for like 40 minutes or so.