Wednesday, March 31, 2010

home=sad reminders

so, i'm back home at parents' house right now, which is always weird and feels a little like time travelling, but i was looking through old pictures and came to a sad realization that i was a lot nerdier 8 years ago than i had realized. i knew i was no tom selleck, but i thought i was pretty cool. looking back now, though, i'm starting to question it. which makes me wonder what i'll think about my 2010 self in 2018. well, i guess the world's gonna end in 2012 anyway, so who cares?

also, why is snoop dogg on the tv in the background?

food riddle

when is a veggie burger not really a veggie burger?
answer: when i put bacon and eggs on it to make it awesome!
the veggie burger came from my friend amber who moved to portland and had to clean out her fridge. she gave it to shanna who gave it to adam who put it in his fridge, where i stole it from.

and that's the story of that.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

wayne bookman

the funny thing about wayne booman is he always wears a necktie.

i don't think so, tim

i was thinking about sitcom catchphrases the other night, just about to fall asleep, and i came to an important conclusion. i had to write it down before i lost it. here it is: the funniest sitcom catchphrase is al borelin's "i don't think so, tim" from home improvement. catchphrases are inherently funny. not because they, themselves, are funny. interestingly enough, in and of themselves, catchphrases are NEVER funny. what IS funny is that they catch on. "i don't think so, tim" is the perfect example. it's so stupid. but al borelin repeated it. that's all the people want: repetition. people like to know what's going to happen next. so when tim sets al up by saying something like, "this lawnmower needs more power! am i right, al? arf arf arf!," every tom, dick, & harry sitting at home is on pins and needles waiting for al to say his stupid catchphrase. and then guess what happens? he says it. and the people at home eat that shit up. and that, to me, is hilarious.

Monday, March 29, 2010

unsolved mystery: yogurt

Nobody knows.

book of alright kids

as i mentioned in my previous post, i have a book of alright kids. it's available for purchase on amazom. i would like to read you an excerpt:
"... sam, ally, luke, mike, andy, amanda, rerun, skooter, flapjack, snoopy, skeeter, rerun 2, abrahamburger, spongebob, paul, ..."

i didn't make this video

this is weird. so my friend chona, from boston, had a link to this video in her gchat thing with just the word "amazeballs" written next to it. "amazeballs" is a word that my friend nicole from los angeles uses a lot. both chona and nicole are filipino. coincidence? probably.

anyway, the link was to this video of these high school kids from this high school where i grew up. it's called carroll high school. i went to a catholic school, so our school was poor and couldn't afford buses. so we had to pay a bunch of extra money to ride on the carroll buses. which meant we had to wait at the end of the street for the bus, ride to carroll, drop off the carroll kids, switch buses (sometimes) and then go to school. my school was about 10 minutes from my house. and carroll was about 10 minutes from my house, but the whole bus ride usually took around an hour each way. i hope i have kids someday so i can rub that in their faces when they complain about how tedious their hoverboard commute is to futureschool.

anyway, some of the carroll kids were good people but there were a lot of douchebags. anyway, this video is some carroll dudes dressing like cheerleaders and dancing. now, i know what you're thinking: that sounds hot. but that's gross. that's really weird of you to think that. what's wrong with you? anyway, it's pretty impressive. and i appreciated not only that they committed to it but also that they made the dance so obnoxiously long. these kids are alright in my book. my book of alright kids. please buy my book.

Friday, March 26, 2010

laundry town!

Speaking of videos: uh oh! no more clean underpants? it's time to go to Laundry Town!

this is a documentary about a small town where laundry reigns supreme!

no glasses today?

I forgot to tell you guys about this video my friends and i made. it's ZANY! so if you're into zany, check it:

Thursday, March 25, 2010

they can't build a better moosetrap

in order to catch a moose, you have to think like a moose. but, careful, don't think too much like a moose otherwise you're no better than a stupid moose.

Monday, March 22, 2010

when i was a kid

when i was a kid i had this problem where instead of fingernails, i grew fish.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

sponge vs. sponge wand


i find that the sponge wand is terrific for washing pots, pans, and plates, while the regular sponge has the advantage when it comes to silverware and glasses.

you're welcome.

photo ids

these are the photo IDs i've had over the last four or five years. looking at them side by side, i've come to the following conclusions:
  • i don't age, my hair just changes in length;
  • i look weird.

Saturday, March 20, 2010


you know what's a weird word? BEFOREHAND
it's the opposite of afterward. they couldn't make it beforeward because that sounds confusing. because forward is a word. and be isn't really a prefix. why didn't they make it afterhand instead of afterward though? wait, why is hand a part of it at all anyway?

words are weird.

vernal equinox

when we were kids, we would stand eggs up on the first day of spring because i guess that's the only day of the year when the gravitational pull of the moon or something is just right and eggs can stand up?

i don't know what i'm talking about. but i swear, we used to be able to make eggs stand up on their own on the first day of spring. we'd do it every year. and it'd work too. i tried it today and it didn't work. so i faked it by putting the egg where four tiles on my kitchen counter meet. take that, suckers!

Friday, March 19, 2010

major lazer

man, i don't like telling you guys what music to listen to or what movies to watch, because that's not what this blog is for. they have other blogs for that. for more details on those blogs, please ask for further details at your local internet.

but dammit. i love major lazer. i've been telling people about them ever since my roommate told me about them after his friend told him about them about a year ago. but i still love them. they pump me up. big time. and our friend eric directs some of their videos. like this one:

cool trashcans

when we were kids, me and my brothers had these cool "masters of the universe" trashcans. well, i guess we still have them. but they're at my parents' house. anyway, the point is: we had really cool trashcans back then. and since, i haven't owned a single cool trashcan. what an asshole, right?

if i ever get a job that pays a living wage, one of my first purchases is going to be a dope ass trashcan.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

hungry for a hot dog

some people think hot dogs are gross and i don't entirely disagree with them. but man, sometimes i get hungry so specifically for a hot dog. now is one of those times. right this second.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


it's not too often you see someone riding a scooter and just really owning it, you know?

worst part of waking up

man, when i go to sleep, i need to start leaving notes that tell me whether it will be AM or PM when i wake up. lately, i don't sleep much because i have stuff going on every night, then i have to wake up stupid early for work, then i survive on short naps in the early evening. as a result, i wake up at like 7pm, like a did tonight, super confused because like "crap! i'm way late for work! i can't believe they haven't called by now! wait, where's my work schedule? was i supposed to be in at 4am or 6:30am? wait, what day is it? wait, is that seinfeld i hear? why is my roommate watching seinfeld in the other room at 7am? wait." this goes on for anywhere from two to nine minutes every night before i realize that it's 7 in the PM and i need to shower and eat and start my evening.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


this morning, at four, it felt like somebody was trying to wake me up by shaking me. so i woke up only to find that no one was there shaking me. it was just the earth's tectonic plates all rubbin' up on each other.

then, there were some aftershocks and they woke me up but as they woke me up, i was dreaming that i was on top of a big saw and it was what was wobbling.

Friday, March 12, 2010

sweet sassy molassey

a funny thing to exclaim when something noteworthy happens is, "sweet sassy mollassey!"

brake lights

i had to replace my brake lights today. i've never done that before. i did it all by myself. made me feel like a grownup. but no one was around to tell me if i did it right. so this is how i checked my work.

afterwards, i rewarded myself with a bottle of coke.

people are always trimming hedges or something in my neighborhood. very noisy.

butt paper

wouldn't it make more sense if it was called "butt paper?"
i mean it's FOR your butt. the toilet is just where you dispose of it. you don't call other types of paper "trashcan paper."

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


march 10th always make me think of the pen-fifteen club. when we were kids, we would ask other kids if they wanted to be in the pen-fifteen club. to join, you only needed to let us write PEN15 (in pen) on your hand. the joke of course, is that it looks like you have the word "penis" written on your hand. i thought that someone in my grade school made this up. but apparently, it's pretty universal. in college, i learned that everyone knew of the pen-15 club. moreover, my friend dave had a variation on the game. where he grew up (cincinnati), they called it the March 10 Pen Fifteen Club. Of course, the joke there is that it looks like you have the words "mario penis" on your hand, which is funnier, i must admit.

so now that's what i think of every march 10.

in profile

have you ever caught a glimpse of yourself in profile and thought, "aw weird ... that's what i look like?"

it's disappointing.

more like "okay seal"

i don't think it's all that great.

Friday, March 5, 2010

if flowers could talk

if flowers could talk, i bet they'd be really upbeat. but i bet they would only have the most worthless, pointless bullshit to talk about.

steam freakout

every morning, i like to start my day with a cup of tea or coffee. today, while the tea was steeping, there was SO MUCH steam. it was crazy. i couldn't believe it! like, there's supposed to be steam. that happens. obviously. but today it was like there was a smoke bomb in there or something. it was insane.

sometimes, i tell really dumb stories. like this one. i'm glad i blogged it. because reading it now makes me realize this a story not worth telling. if i hadn't learned my lesson this morning, there is a good chance that later today I would tell this story to a friend and they would be like, "then what happened? did it burn you? was it so hot that the mug shattered? was there actually a smoke bomb in there?" and i would have to be like, "no. that's the whole story. there was just way more steam than i usually notice." and they would say something like, "that's not something people tell other people, nic. that's not noteworthy." and i would say, "but it made a big impression on my morning. so much so that i ran to my bedroom to grab my camera to get photographic evidence of the insane amount of steam." and then they would ask to see the photos and i would show them and they would say, "that's not that much steam." and i would say, "well, you had to be there." and they would say, "well, i wasn't there. and even if i was, i wouldn't give a shit. you know why? because it's steam. it's what happens when you put boiling water into a cup in a really cold apartment. so shut up about it."

i need to get some new friends.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

marmily's bird day

so it's my friend memily's birthday again this year and so i told her happy birthday and she said "i can't believe you remembered my bird day!" and i said, "did you say 'bird day?'" and she was like, "yeah, it's my bird day" and i was like "what the hell are you talking about, you fat cow?!" and she was like, "my bird day. it's the day the bird brought me to my parents when i was a baby." and i was like, "you mean the stork?" and she was like, "yeah, nic, storks are birds." and i was like, "hardy hardy hardy har, memily! stop acting like a stupid little kid. it's not funny." and she was genuinely confused. she really did think it was bird day instead of birthday, all these years. what an IDIOT, right?

anyway, she's gonna get married to my friend kienan, so i have to put up with her. happy birthday.

pink guy

when i lived in boston, i worked at a coffee shop with my friend patrick. there was this guy who came in all the time. he was big and fat and pink. i think he lived out of his car. on sunny days, sometimes patrick and i would see him in his car, suntanning. he'd be in nothing but his short shorts or underwear, i don't even know. it was gross. you'd see this big, pink, sweaty blob reclining in his car seat and you just immediately turn away. he may have been totally naked for all i know.

he'd always come into the shop and try to sweet talk patrick into giving him free drinks. one time, he came in and patrick ran to the back of the store and hid. the pink guy asked me if patrick was there and i said no. then he started to walk away but he came back and said, "you know, i had a drink and i set it down so i could use the restroom and when i came out, my drink was gone. can you believe that?" and i was like "wow, i can't believe it." and then there was a weird pause, so i said, "... you want a new one?" because i felt like i had to say that and he said yes and i asked him what the drink was and he said "ummmm" and looked at the menu for awhile and picked something out. he was a pretty crummy liar. but the thing is: he got a free drink. that's the thing about bad people. they can just be bad people and get things because good people like me are like "eh, it's not worth the trouble."

after awhile when he came in, patrick would be like "oh great it's this guy!" right to his face, which was funny. but the pink guy thought it was funny too. eventually he stopped coming in and we'd see him stealing soda pop from the burrito place across the street. then one day he came in and told us he was moving to miami. i pretended to not be a part of the conversation. patrick was like "big whoop. smell ya later."

i'm older now and i'd like to think if that happened nowadays, i wouldn't give the bad guy a free drink.