Saturday, October 31, 2009

happy halloweens!

this is a movie patrick and i shot two years ago today. we've grown up a lot since then. and our videos have gotten a lot shorter. this one is very long (6minutes). but it's still one of my favorites. because it is silly. and we didn't have any ideas for a movie that day. yet we shot one anyway. hooray for us. happy halloween.


i don't know if you guys have heard of this restaurant called hooters. it's a place that experienced strange levels of popularity in the early-to-mid nineties because of their scantily clad, and allegedly busty, waitresses. anyway, patrick came to visit and his only idea for an activity was "let's go to hooters." we thought it was a hilarious idea. and it ended up being a hilarious experience but not for reasons we expected. it was mostly a pretty sad place. a few people eating alone. a few couples on dates. one middle-aged man eating with his elderly parents. and several disinterested waitresses in halloween costumes. we watched 3 or 4 groups of people come in, sit down, look around, discuss something quietly in a huddle, then get up and leave without ordering anything at all.
i had the buffalo chicken sandwich. it wasn't very good. patrick and adam shared a bunch of wings. they were weird looking.

each of the waitresses came by and said hi to us and signed this piece of paper on our table. it was very odd. i assume it's something the manager looks at to make sure that each of the waitresses talked to us. but that's a really weird concept. finally, when one of the waitresses was signing i asked what it was all about. she told us she was just saying hi. which was bullcrap. so i asked if we could take the piece of paper with us for our scrapbook or if we needed to leave it here. she didn't even look up at me. she just finished signing her name and said "it's your world. do whatever you want. don't worry about the consequences." and then she walked away. we thought that was hilarious. so then we filled in the whole piece of paper with made-up names.
on our way home, we passed tim allen's star on the sidewalk of stars with names on them.

Friday, October 30, 2009

tim allen from memory

last night, at dinnner, at the hooters of hollywood, we saw a picture on the wall. in the picture was funnyman, tim allen, with two hooters women. tim was wearing glasses and suspenders. the hooters women were wearing t-shirts that said "hooters." inspired by tim allen, my friend patrick and i drew pictures of tim allen from memory later that night. above is mine. below is patrick's. patrick wins for using tim's catchphrase, "more power! arf! arf! arf!"

Thursday, October 29, 2009

patrick is coming to town

my friend patrick is coming to town. i have to go to work now. but by the time i get home from work, he will be in my apartment, waiting.

i am terrified.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

i hope you're happy!

i don't know if this is a saying people still say anymore. but i feel like i heard it a lot as a kid. like i'd be too impatient to wait for my mom to pour me some kool-aid, so i'd try to pour it myself and of course i'd spill the whole damn thing and then my mom would say "now nobody gets any kool-aid! i hope you're happy!" and of course, i would not be happy. i'd be quite the opposite. and to be frank, i don't even think my mom was actually hoping that i was happy. i realize that, in writing, it might seem like my mom was glad that no one would get kool-aid and she genuinely wished for my happiness. but, you guys, the way she said it indicated otherwise. she would say it in a way that made it seem like she actually wanted me to feel really bad about the fact that no one would get any kool-aid.

i don't want to make my mom sound mean. she's nice. i honestly don't remember any specific time when she said, "i hope you're happy" in a mean way. but i was thinking about that phrase and how it's commonly used in the mean way. but if you look at the words, it's really like the kindest thing you could ever say to somebody. so i'm gonna try to start using that saying all the time. hopefully it will confuse the hell out of people.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


schoolpants is issuing it's first ever retraction. well, it's not so much a retraction as a late birthday wish. you see, for certain friends, i wrote blog posts wishing them happy birthday on their birthdays, like scotto and sam harken harken, for example. but for others, i didn't write birthday posts. for example, my friend kienan had a birthday 2 weeks ago and i said nothing of it. and my "friend" molly had a birthday back on national clown day and i wrote about clowns instead. i put "friend" in quotation marks because i don't exactly think of her as a friend. i think of her more as just one of those people who WON'T fade away into my past. like, i've had a lot of great friends who have just sort of grown apart from me, who i haven't talked to in ages. but molly's one of those people who just keeps forcing her way back into my life one way or another.

anyway, she called me up on october 26th to complain about the august 1st post. that's how often she reads my blog. and she DEMANDED that i write her a birthday post. this is pretty typical molly behavior. and to people who don't know her, she probably sounds pretty awful. but i will defend her now: sure, she's loud and crass and bossy. sure, she doesn't cry during sad movies or listen to you while you're talking. and yeah, she makes fun of poor people and she's super racist. but she's also probably my favorite person in the world. i don't know why. maybe because i'm stupid. or maybe because she's pretty and smart and funny and sometimes gives me presents. also, we went to school together a way long time ago and we used to have SO MUCH FUN TOGETHER!
Happy Birthday, Stupid!

panthers have weird teeth

weird, right?

Monday, October 26, 2009


halloween is a good time to just do the stupid things you like doing that are too dumb to do in public every other day of the year. a lot of women use halloween to dress as sluttily as they would like to other days. some people use halloween to dress in drag because that's what they are into. some people dress up like vampires, because they are nerds. me, i like to draw on myself. i don't know why. it's fun to me. face paint is particularly fun. above is a collection of photos of myself from halloweens past.

and i'm gonna let you in on a little secret: the one labeled "2008" is not from halloween 2008. it's actually from a random night in june of 2008. you see, in october of 2008, i was new to los angeles and didn't really have any friends. so i didn't go to any halloween parties. but in june of 2008, i was living with my friends patrick, kenji, and axel and one night i painted my face because it's fun and when you're hanging out with good friends, you don't need an excuse like halloween to be a weirdo.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


a lot of people think that fish are like robots, in that they don't have any feelings. but i think robots are more like monkeys, because they walk funny.

more on soda pop (moron soda pop)

i have two more things to say on the subject of soda pop:

1) you can't find Faygo too many places. but they had it where i grew up. and that was another kind of pop i drank a lot as a kid. but i mostly got it from vending machines. we didn't have Faygo at home much. i have two things to say about why Faygo was great:
  • they had all kinds of great flavors, such as red pop, orange, grape, root beer?, i don't remember what else.
  • it was 25cents per can from the vending machines.
2) i told this girl at work that my middle name was soda pop and she believed me and drew a picture of a soda pop and put it on my locker.

soda pop

i used to drink a lot of soda pop. a lot.

a lot of kids weren't allowed to drink soda pop. or maybe there would be a limit on their daily soda pop intake. not me. i grew up in a household where drinking soda pop was neither discouraged nor encouraged. but it was always, always readily available.

i would average four cans of soda per day. mostly coca-cola or pepsi. i hated mountain dew. i would be furious when mountain dew was the only thing in the fridge. then, when i was sixteen, i got drunk at Indiana University. i woke up the next morning with a hangover and the only the things in the fridge were beer and mountain dew. the idea of having a beer made me want to barf. i suppose i could've had a glass of water. but that seemed almost as stupid as having a beer. so i had a mountain dew. and something in me changed that morning. i haven't been the same since. that mountain dew was the greatest thing i had ever tasted. i stopped drinking coca-cola and pepsi altogether. mountain dew was my new go-to brand.

my freshman year of college diet was this: mountain dew and pop tart for breakfast. mountain dew, cheetos, sandwich for lunch. mountain dew and pizza for dinner. beer the rest of the night. oh, and a mountain dew during each class.

sophomore year, i studied in ireland for a semester. there's no mountain dew in ireland. i had to learn to drink coca-cola and pepsi again. my diet in ireland was this: red bull for breakfast. chicken sandwich and coke for lunch (this place on campus had the BEST chicken sandwiches and i ate there like 5 days a week). fish and chips and guinness for dinner. guinness rest of night. oh, and a pepsi during each class.
like 2 years ago, i weened off the soda pop, learned to enjoy coffee & tea and i've been trying to eat healthier (barely). but sometimes i still get the hankerin' for a can of soda pop. and now is one of those times. i think i'm gonna walk to the market and get a mountain dew. i am weak.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

tv show idea

when i was a kid, i had this great idea for a tv show. it was about this guy called Sam Beckett and he was a SCIENTIST from the year 1999 (the future) and he figured out a way to travel through time, only he could just travel to years within his own lifetime and every time he traveled he turned into someone else and he had to stay that person until he made right what once was wrong. then, when he left that person, he'd "leap" into another person's life (this would be in the last few minutes of an episode) and he'd be confused and disoriented and someone would be talking to him or something and then he'd look in the mirror and he'd see somebody else's face (the person he had LEAPED into) and he'd say "oh boy" and the theme music would kick in (and it sounded kind of like the doogie houser theme music, if i remember correctly) and they would freeze frame and the credits would roll.

it was the perfect television show of all time.

the perfect of all time.

but someone stole my idea. and called it Cheers.


i've been having a really hard time falling asleep lately AND a really hard time staying awake lately. and that doesn't seem fair to me.

hydrogen psychosis (the crazy eye)

good news: i ordered a bunch of new contact lenses. this means i can throw out the 2-week-disposables i have been wearing for approximately 3 months. maybe my eyes won't be so bloodshot and crazy looking anymore.

but you know what i just realized? "bloodshot" is an AWESOME word. i would've never thought of that term to describe the way those eyes look. i would've called it something stupid like "tiny red veins in your eye" syndrome. but somebody, a long long time ago, came up with "bloodshot." and it stuck!

i'm glad.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

new york times bestseller

is it just me or is pretty much every book a new york times bestseller?

the most impressive thing i've ever seen (today)

this is pretty impressive, right?

Monday, October 19, 2009

cone dogs

today on facebooks, i was looking at my friend's friends and there were TWO (2) pictures of dogs with cones on their heads! what are the odds? i felt like that meant today was special.

when i was younger, after school, there'd always be 2 back to back episodes of Saved by the Bell on TBS and 2 back to back episodes of Saved by the Bell on WGN. but there was an overlap. like it was 3:30 and 4 on one channel and 4 and 4:30 on the other. so at 4, you could flip back and forth and pick which episode to watch. but every once in awhile, they'd play the SAME episode at the SAME time! i always felt like that meant that it was a very special day and something crazy would happen.

nothing really crazy ever happened though. but still, whenever i'm flipping and see the same commercial on 2 different channels at once, i get really pumped up and guarantee to myself or anyone around me that today is special and something crazy is going to happen.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

i'm sick of vampires

remember when stupid nerdy kids were the only ones who liked vampires? i'm starting to miss those days.

Friday, October 16, 2009

i've made my decision

i've decided to be a clown for halloween. not because i think it's a great halloween costume, but because i feel like i owe it to myself to own a clown costume. and halloween is a good excuse to buy one.

but i will say this, it's a classic halloween costume. and there's nothing wrong with the classics. i feel like too many people are trying to think of these crazy, really cerebral halloween costume ideas. too many people forget about the ol' classics: clown, witch, hobo, dinosaur, hobo-dinosaur, clown-witch, manwich, sexy cat, superhero.

stop drawing me, old man!

so the other night, there was an old man in my coffee shop. he was wearing big sunglasses. wearing big sunglasses at night, indoors, is something that douchebags do, not something old men do, right? wrong. this guy was doing it. and here's why: he didn't want people to notice him as he drew their portraits.

it was one of the weirdest things i've witnessed. he was just staring at people, obviously drawing pictures of them. the weirdest part is that NO ONE SEEMED TO NOTICE BUT ME. i even had to point it out to my fellow employees. that guy is drawing people. "who?" the old guy in the sunglasses, with the mustache, who's just drinking a cup of hot water, out of a cup from the coffee shop across the street, a cup he asked me to fill with more hot water. "oh, that guy? are you sure?" yes, look how he's staring at people, then back down at his sketchpad, then back up at them. "yeah, that's weird."

and when we closed, he left his drawings behind. i wish i would've saved one to show you guys. i'm pissed that i didn't. but they all kind of looked like this:

Thursday, October 15, 2009

cabbages got problems too

being sad doesn't make you special.

THAT's what virginia is for?

is west virginia for fighters?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

zits on your lip

right now, i have a big zit on my lip. the lip is not only the grossest and most embarrassing place to have a zit, it's also the most painful. have you ever had one? it's awful. just awful.

in conclusion, if i ever form a punk rock band, i would like to call it Zits on Your Lip. because that's the kind of attitude my punk rock band will have. disgusting, in your face, and just the most painful thing in the world to try to get rid of.

robot dogs?

not on my watch.

did you hear who's in town

when i was a kid, there was this popular joke where someone would say "did you hear who's in town?" and the unsuspecting victim of the joke would say, "no, who's in town?" and then the asshole kid would say "dick bruiser" and punch the other kid in the dick.

it was a stupid joke and i always hated it.

but incidentally, i just found out there was an actual wrestler named Dick the Bruiser.
he seems like a pretty cool dude, but i bet when he was a kid he loved jokes like the dick bruiser joke. i liked jokes like this one that me and my brother joe used to tell. i don't remember if we made it up or he just heard it somewhere. actually, the more i think about, the more i think joe must've made it up. it was something like this:

"what do you get when you cross an elephant with a car with sweatshirt with a lamp with bicycle?" (and then the person says "i dunno. what?") and then you say "the boy likes ice cream!" and you laugh like crazy, like it's the funniest thing you ever heard. and if they say they don't get it, you go, "okay. let me tell another one. what do you get when you cross a pair of pants with a traffic light with a video camera with an old sock with a rhino?" (and they say, i dunno. what?) and you say "the boy likes ice cream!" and you laugh even harder than the first time. and you can just keep doing it forever. just list random things and make the list longer and longer each time.

i thought that was the funniest thing in the world when i was 9 years old. and i still kind of think it is.

Monday, October 12, 2009

i can't stop being awake

i'm awake. and i'm not happy about it.
yesterday at work, a customer commented on how i looked like i needed to go home and sleep for about 3 days. i agreed with her. that's how i felt. i have a cold, i haven't been sleeping well, and i hate my job (or hated yesterday at least). so i went to bed last night at 8:30pm, thinking i was doing something smart. then i had a dream that i was with my brothers and sisters at a grocery store, stocking up on food. i woke up at 2:18am really hungry and pissed off at my younger brother because he was being so annoying in the dream.
around 3:30, i was still awake, hungry, and pissed off at my brother. so i made some soup.

i almost ate cereal instead. but i was thinking that cereal is something you eat in the morning when you want to start your day. and soup is something you eat at night at the end of your day. so that somehow convinced me that the soup would help me get to sleep.
i didn't.
it's almost 5:30am now and i wish i were dead. i mean asleep.

Friday, October 9, 2009

human soul

a lot of people imagine their souls as orbs of light, or like pastel-colored spheres, or like smoke. what few people know (actually, i might be the only person on earth who knows this) the human soul actually looks like a biscuit.

take that, moon!

last night, nasa threw an old satellite at the moon (which is also a satellite).

i think it would've been funny if the satellite somehow completely destroyed the moon. like, when it hit, the moon just shattered into millions of pieces. then Nasa would really have egg on their face. they'd be like, "crud."

people would be like, "WHY did you do that?!" and Nasa would be like, "i dunno." and we'd be like "what do you MEAN you don't know??? didn't you THINK? didn't you even THINK for one SECOND about what might happen?" and Nasa's like, "just wanted to see what would happen." and we'd say, "THIS! THIS is what happens! you destroyed our ONLY moon! i hope you're happy! are you happy?" and Nasa looks down and sort of kicks the dirt, "no." and we say, "well, we're not happy either. we really liked that moon. what's gonna happen to the tides now?" and Nasa shrugs, "i dunno." and we say, "well, i don't know either."

but instead, the moon wasn't destroyed. Nasa just made a couple of craters by throwing that satellite. can you see the craters that nasa made? look in the picture. see those craters? the ones next to all the other craters that cover the moons surface. yeah. those ones. Nasa made those.

jerk across the street

as if it isn't annoying enough to wake up to the LOUDEST GARBAGE TRUCKS EVER every friday morning, this week, we threw my annoying neighbor and his crazy dogs into the mix. i don't like my neighbor for three reasons: 1 he's always yelling at people and he's ALWAYS at his house, doing something out front, always ready to yell at someone. 2 his stupid dogs bark all the time, so loud i can't hear the tv sometimes. 3 his crazy wife beats the dogs. seriously.

one night, at like 2am, i woke up because this jerk was yelling at another set of neighbors. the young people in the house next to him were playing loud music apparently. the music wasn't loud enough to wake me up. but this jerk was. he was going berserk. and the young neighbor was calm and apologetic and this maniac just continued to scream at the top of his lungs about how it was late and he needed to sleep. the young guy was even like, "okay, we'll talk about this in the morning. the more you work yourself up about this, the harder it will be to get back to sleep. we turned off the music. just try to calm down." it was hilarious. this like 22 year old dude had to talk to this 60 year old madman like he was a child. because he is. but not in the good way.

and get your dogs out of the street you stupid jerk.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

"the alleghenies" my favorite name for a mountain range

i like the alleghenies. i think it's a great name for a set of mountains. they may not be as big as the rockies. they don't have snow-capped peaks and they don't intimidate novice hikers. but they sure look nice next to a quaint old railroad town.
plus, how do they have SO MANY trees on them EVERYWHERE? it looks like someone just shoved as many of those train set trees as they could into a big hill.
furthermore, train set trees is a cool name for something. an album maybe? you can have it. maybe your band can be called the alleghenies and your first album could be called train set trees. here's your album cover: