Friday, December 31, 2010
pajama catalogs on this planet where we live. it's funny because the word "tips" also means like "pieces of advice" and that's what it looks like the one person is forcing on the other person.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
this has been such a crazy month that i've been too busy to celebrate our birthday! the first schoolpants post was on December 3, 2008. we've been doing this two years now! can you believe it? i sort of can. but not all the way. two years seems like a long time. i once spent two years in prison. no i didn't. i think i was thinking of someone else. but i once kept a blog alive for two years. oh yeah, that's what we were just talking about. anyway. congratulations to you and me. and to schoolpants. TO SCHOOLPANTS! (and then we all cheers)
for no real reason, i'll go months at a time where i wear deodorant everyday. then, also for no real reason, i'll go months at a time where i don't wear it. as of late, i've been going through a "no-deodorant" phase. but today at work, i was sweating a lot and boy did my armpits smell like chicken noodle soup! tomorrow, the new "yes-deodorant" phase begins!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
hey gang! merry christmas! here's a christmas movie for your enjoyment. if you enjoy extremely weird videos. WARNING: if you're my mom, i think you should know there are bad words in this movie. watch at your own discretion. if you are my sister or brother, please don't show this video to my nephews and girl-nephews.
i stink at complaining.
good news" a lot.
so i'll tell you: my friends brian and george gave me this for my birthday. at first glance, it's just a foot that somebody cut off of a cow. big deal, right? but there's more to it than that! it's ALSO a wine bottle AND it has a strap. so you can fill it with wine and take it on the go! passersby think you're just wearing a lucky cow's foot around your neck but in REALITY, you're drunk in public! it's a win-win!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Then I made sure to shove in the face of every single person at the party, so that no one felt left out. "Look what it says!" I would shout, "It says booze because that's what it is! It's from a bottle of booze!" I said "get it?!" a lot to make sure that each person got it. A lot of people said, "yeah, I get it" but they didn't laugh. They'd just sort of roll their eyes or push me away. I guess they were just embarrassed that they didn't get it. That's the tough part about being the hilarious person at a party. Sometimes your sense of humor is just way too sophisticated. You have to remember that not everybody "gets" everything. And you have to remember not to call them stupid idiots when they don't "get" a hilarious joke. And then you have to remember that you can't take that bottle of wine with you when they kick you out of the party. And then you have to remember not to cry when they all call YOU the stupid idiot after you tell them you don't want that wine anyway because it expired two years ago.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Then the drought came. We didn't play a show for weeks. The band announced an official hiatus. We hated to do it, but we knew the show couldn't go on without rain water. We discussed having some shipped in from a nearby rainy town, but we worried our hardcore local fans would see this as "selling out."
When the rains came again, the band talked about doing more shows. But the more we talked about it, the easier it was for us all to admit that we didn't really like drinking dirty cigarette rain water on account of it tasted yucky. We tried to do a show without drinking any dirty cigarette rain water, but it didn't really go so well. Backstage, after the show, I was feeling pretty down. I just kept going over the show in my head, trying to figure out what went wrong. I guess part of the reason no one liked us was because none of us actually knew how to play music. Plus we didn't have any instruments. Then I remembered that no one liked our shows before drought, either. And come to think of it, I was never in a band called Dirty Cigarette Rain Water. And wait a minute, is this backstage or a mental hospital?
I guess the life of big-time rockstar is just bound to be full of tough questions.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
awhile ago, i found an old dime that looks like this one and it was from 1942, but i like this one better because it's older and 37 is my favorite number.
for months, i've been taunted by billboards advertising beer in these oddly intriguing aluminum pint bottles. and for months these beers have been nowhere to be found. but guess what gang: they DO exist. the coors light ones do anyway. still no sign of the miller lite aluminum pint bottles.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
i remember this one time i was checking in with my police chief and he was like "where the heck you been man? you're going way too undercover! you're crazy!" and i was like "maybe i am!" and then i rode my hog (motorcycle) right out of his stupid office. then i met up with these bad guys who thought i was their friend. they were playing pool during a lull between fistfights. there was this girl who was there and they were being mean to her and i was like "you're gonna wish you never did that." and they were like "what the?" and then i fistfighted with all of them and did all these uppercuts and roundhouses and knocked all their lights out. and then the babe fell in love with me and told me about how those guys had a big drug deal and she wanted to marry me but i was like "sorry toots," and i got the heck out of there. she was like "aw man, where the heck you going?" and i was like "to a drug deal!" and i put on one of the knocked-out bad guy's clothes so i could pretend to be him. then the drug dealer was like "oh hey buddy!" and i was like, "i AIN'T yer BUDDY!" and knocked his lights out and took him to jail and the police chief was like "man, sorry i yelled at you. you're awesome. how about another mission?" and i was like "sorry boss. i'm retired." and i threw my badge in the trash can. but then i was like, man that would've been cool, like as a souvenir. so i got it out of the trash. but it had some gum stuck to it, so i was like aw man. but i took it to the bathroom and rinsed it off. it was no big deal.
Friday, November 26, 2010
But after that, I got to skype with my family back home, which was really cool. Then I went over to Emily's to spend Thanksgiving with loved ones out here. It was very fun and nice and the food was good. The whole afternoon served as an important reminder that my family and friends are cool enough that just talking to them through a computer or spending an evening with them are fun enough to make the other crap not matter all that much. I'm very thankful for that.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
when i moved into my most recent apartment, i had to do something i'd never done before. i had to buy a fridge. it was a strange and daunting task. i don't know what to look for in a fridge. so i did what any responsible adult would do. i went on craigslist and found a guy who had like 8 beat up fridges in his mom's garage. my friend adam and i went and looked at them. he seemed to be assigning them prices randomly when we'd ask about each.
"how about this one?" i'd say.
"that one?" he'd say, "uhhhhhh, 450."
then he'd leave the room and scream at his mother in what i think must've been israeli for a minute or two, then come back.
"you need dining table?" he'd ask.
"nah, we're good. how much is this fridge?"
"that one? uhhhhh, 600."
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
but if i ever get a job that pays a living wage, i promise i'll throw a few bucks your way.
Monday, November 22, 2010
my roommates have been out of town for a few days, which has been nice because i've been able to walk around the apartment in my underpants. i could probably still walk around the apartment in my underpants after they get back here. maybe they wouldn't mind. i'm not sure. but you better believe it's coming up at the next roommate meeting.
i want a cool shirt like this. but only if it fits right. my friend adam (author of the now defunct blog Wikibloogia) and i have spoken at length about how, as we've grown older and matured, we've continued to dress almost exclusively in t-shirts, but nowadays the fit and feel of the t-shirt are far more important than the picture or message the t-shirt bears.
this is a nice little news piece that was sent to me by adam, former author of the now defunct blog Wikibloogia, which i was a fan of.
anyway, this old scientist pulled his out-of-date robot pal out of an old garage and dusted him off and fixed his wires and now they're buddies again. it seems like the premise of a Pixar film. i'll get to work on the script first thing tomorrow.