Thursday, September 30, 2010

impulse buy

this morning i woke up with a hankering for a Big Gulp. it happens to the best of us. it's nothing to be ashamed of. it's probably the most natural hankering in the world. since before the time of 7-11s even, man has occasionally woken up with a hankering for a Big Gulp. how frustrating this hankering must've been for pre-7-11 man.

anyway, i got to the 7-11 and reached for the normal Big Gulp cup. but i couldn't help but notice the special edition KISS themed Super Big Gulp cup. you could get one with your favorite member of the rock and roll band, KISS. i don't have a favorite member of KISS because i don't even like KISS, but Catman appeared to be the silliest of the four. so i took that one.

there was a significant cost difference between the normal Big Gulp and the special edition KISS Super Big Gulp. but i got the latter anyway. and this is why i am poor.


i don't know if you guys have ever heard of this game snood before. i like to stay on the forefront of underground computer game culture, so i'm always finding new cool games to play.
anyway, my stupid friend patrick was playing snood and i'd never played and he couldn't believe i'd never played and i couldn't believe he couldn't believe i'd never played. anyway, i gave it a shot and i STUNK. he couldn't believe how much i stunk at it because apparently it's a pretty easy game. so i played more and hated it. but i stuck with it and eventually went through all five of the emotional steps to accept a new game into your life, which are:
1. this is stupid.
2. i hate this game.
3. this game cheats.
4. i'm going to kill myself.
5. wait, i think i get it.
6. why do i still stink at this?
7. this is stupid.

clever macaw

i can't figure out what's going on in this picture. either: a)dogs and cats are prohibited but exotic birds are permitted; OR b)that clever bird positioned himself to purposely cover up that bar that should be crossing him out.


sometimes (a lot of times) i don't understand the things i draw.

celebrity sighting: smokey the bear

no way jose were we going to ask SMOKEY THE BEAR to take a photo with us! talk about starstruck!

great spot to pick up chicks

This is the best spot to meet babes ... if you're a blackbelt like me!

being a baby

it must be weird to be a baby. the first couple of years, you must just be thinking, "huh ... so this is life."

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

robots throughout time: the old west

fake poo toy company

Am I alone in thinking that the marketing department at the Fake Poo Toy Company has basically just given up?

it's a free country

... i guess.

offensive no matter what, but...

i really want to know whether this is a joke or if someone in my neighborhood really lost their parrot.

worse late than never

so, it's real real hot in los angeles right now. like, hotter than ever, apparently. all summer it was pretty nice. it was barely hot at all. but now that it's late september, it's a bajillion degrees outside. my theory: Sun lost track of time and then was like "crud! i missed summer!" so he ran to get here and just flexed his muscles and gave us all the heat at once.

Sun is not the best at his job.

Friday, September 24, 2010

stupid valentine's day

i made up a holiday today. it's called "stupid valentines day." it's kind of like the opposite of valentines day. so instead of eating candy hearts and telling everyone you love them, you spend the day having a sore throat, sitting around in sweat pants, telling inanimate objects you hate them, and drawing things that don't make sense.


i SUCK at chess. and every time i get my ass kicked at chess, i wonder "do i suck at chess because i suck at life? or do i suck at life because i suck at chess? are the two even related?" like, i wonder if it's that same part of the brain that needs work. like, if maybe i could get better at chess, i would naturally get better at life, because i would have exercised that "strategy and planning" part of my brain that right now is weak and useless. so then i think, yeah, i should keep practicing chess and build up that part of my brain. so then i play chess again and get my ass kicked again and remember that chess is nerdy and stupid and who wants to be good at chess anyway.

and then i remember that it's that attitude that makes me bad at life. and it's that attitude that makes me bad at chess. and so then i realize that i was right. i'm bad at chess because i'm bad at ... i mean i'm bad at life because. wait, what was the question?

i hate chess. i'm never playing chess again.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

banana flies

Word to the wise: if you leave a banana peel in your waste paper bin, you're going to attract fruit flies.

In 2005, I worked at a really crummy restaurant.  There was a soda fountain that always (except for the 20 minutes or so right after you cleaned it) had fruit flies around it.  I could never figure it out.  Soda pop doesn't have fruit in it.  Maybe they were soda pop flies.  But since when do soda pop flies exist?  Nobody ever tells me when new bugs come into existence.  I'm sick of it.


check out my new shirt. the armpit hair came separately.

sore throat walnuts

I have a pretty bad case of "sore throat" right now.  For whatever reason, each time I swallow, the image that comes to mind is that of a walnut in my throat. A very dry, scratchy walnut.

When I was in college, there was a street on campus called "Walnut Street." I bet a lot of campuses have streets called Walnut Street.

Whenever a walnut shell is broken open and you see the actual nut, that always made me think of someone's head getting cracked open and seeing their brains.

That's all I have to say about walnuts right now.

Monday, September 20, 2010


i love being a tourist.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

pet cow

when i was in college, i had a friend who always talked about how cool it would be to have a bear the size of a rat as a pet. it would be adorable, we all agreed. there's now a cow in england that is the size of a sheep. that's a good start, i think.

also, i think it's funny that the in the photo caption, the bbc news feels the need to explain that the tiny cow is the one on the right.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

cardigan cop

this is a movie we made starring me and patrick and george! patrick edited it! i love it! it's funny!

Monday, September 13, 2010

it's liberating

i love unsubscribing from things.


sometimes at work, i'll just stop and look around me and take it all in and sigh and say, "i don't like my job."


...or so i'm told

Sunday, September 12, 2010

sort of a resemblance

i've always felt like the kool-aid guy and the carl's jr star could maybe somehow be related. like maybe they are half-brothers. or distant cousins or something.


when i was a kid and my brother told me that "opossum" started with the letter O, i thought he was messing with me. but then my mom told me he was right. so i kind of thought she was messing with me. twenty years later, i still KIND OF think that everyone in the world is messing with me.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

greensleeve guitar tutorial

another music lesson, another song to warm the hearts of babes with. learn to play Greensleeve on the guitar. or play it at christmas time and sing words over it and call it What's This Child. any way you slice it, this is a good song for the guitar.

shrinky dinks

i don't know if you guys are aware, but shrinky dinks still exist and they are still really fun to make.

new car design

check it out, you guys! today i designed a car. it's maybe (probably) the coolest car ever invented. you sit in a safety pod above the all the engine parts and metal stuff that hurts people during accidents. and the safety pod comes off if the car gets smashed up, so you just bounce away. AAAAND, instead of a steering wheel, you get a nintendo controller to operate the car. and there are only three wheels instead of four because hey, just one less thing to deal with!

i know what your thinking: where's the stereo? just use your ipod, dummy.

the next question on everybody's minds is how do i go through the drive-thru at my favorite fast food restaurant? you shouldn't be eating that junk so much anyway, knucklehead.

if you work at a car place and want to build my invention and sell it to everybody, i'm okay with that AS LONG AS:
  1. i get one of these sweet cars (periwinkle)
  2. you give me one billion dollars (U.S.)

breath of fresh air

you guys, i rearranged my bedroom a little today ... and i gotta tell you, i feel great about myself!

Monday, September 6, 2010

Happy Labor Day!

wishing you and yours the happiest of labor days this season. ~schoolpants