does it have a do not resuscitate bracelet

i don't feel comfortable making this decision.

he's in my network!

finally, a doctor that takes my insurance!

black energy

 you guys, mike tyson has an energy drink in poland. it's called black energy and it says "BLACK POWER!" on the top of the can. i just wanted to make sure you guys know that.

liquid soap for woman

so embarrassing: the place we stayed only had liquid soap for woman! i couldn't find liquid soap for man ANYWHERE! i mean it wasn't that big of a deal, i just didn't wash my hands for four days.

headaches

i hit my head on the bottom of this pipe and nearly cracked my head open and had my brains fall out. actually it didn't even bleed. but there was a bump. and it hurt. i have hit my head a lot over the course of my life. one time when i was working at fedex i hit my head on a low beam and it was bleeding and even scalped me a little bit. it was very gross and i never told anyone because i was embarrassed.

the hair grew back.

butter

i don't know how long that butter's been sitting out. i don't know if it's good anymore.

cough drops

my favorite kind of cough drops are the Larry Bird and Weightlifter Guy with the Lady Leg kind that i made. they taste like jolly ranchers because that's what they are.

name that disease

what's the name of that disease where it's your turn to talk but you can't think of anything at all to say and robot in your brain starts panicking and commanding you to speak and you don't know whether to run underneath the house and hide or just lie down on the floor and not move for a couple of days?

"the crazies?"

oh that's a good name for it.

tongue paper cut

i know it's not visible and i'm sorry this is such a gross picture but i SWEAR i got a paper cut on my tongue from licking an envelope!

jogging

ADVICE: you may find yourself feeling a little down in the dumps. then you may remember hearing somewhere that jogging is a good way to clear your mind and cheer up a bit. but here's what really happens: jogging reminds you that you can't even do that right! then you've got one more thing to be bummed about.

schoolpants says: don't do it!

best breakfast award 9/25/11

I'm proud to announce that today's Schoolpants Best Breakfast Award goes to the apple cinnamon pancakes that emily and I had three weeks ago. They were just giant pancakes with lots of apples and cinnamon in them, but the result was like a crazy applepie with pancake crust and maple syrup on top. It gave me heartburn but was well worth it. My heart doesn't know crap about breakfast.

coffee makes me crazy

it only takes me this much coffee to get me this insane. all that talk about building up a tolerance is hogwash, as far as i'm concerned.

i want to eat that

every time i see one of these stinkin' things, i want to eat it. i want to eat is so bad!

worrying

worrying might be the stupidest thing that anyone can do, ever. seriously, it's for the birds.

candy cigarette flavored toothpaste

i just thought you guys should know: crest pro health's clean-mint flavored toothpaste should be called candy cigarette-flavored toothpaste. because that's what flavor it is. and for those of you who don't know, that is an awesome flavor. i recommend this product.

sharps

i saw one of these things for the first time ever yesterday. and i have already seen two more since then. when did this become a thing?

up until yesterday, i'd just been flushing my dirty syringes.

lies about coffee

also, no matter how much coffee you drink, you won't feel like a crazy person or get really bad heartburn.

fair is fair

i guess it's only fair that they have a fat boy option if they're going to have healthy choice.

you have to wonder

if a tazmanian devil caught rabies, do you think anyone would notice?

thomas "boozer" jefferson

it's hard to read but the quote at the top says "A drink may do my body no good, but imagine the good it does for my soul." i feel like presidents nowadays aren't allowed to say stuff like that.