ice coffee

just so you know: if you order an ice coffee Cesky Krumlov, Czech Republic, they give you a cup with ice, milk, a few shots of espresso, and an ice cream bar. And they act like it's the most normal thing in the world.

shameless plug

so i'm right in the middle of a big fight with Piston Honda and in between the first and second round, i ask doc (my manager) for some advice (boxing advice, obviously) and get this, he says to me "Join the Nintendo Fun Club today! Mac."

Are you kidding me?! I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A BOXING MATCH, DOC! also, why did you exclaim "Join the Nintendo Fun Club today!" and then add "Mac." as it's own sentence? you're a terrible manager and a weird human, doc.

premium weiners

weiners is a funny word and it always will be. deal with it.

outerspace bubbles

Monkey and Doghead thought it could never happen to them. but they were wrong. anyone can get trapped in an outerspace bubble. be careful out there, folks.

humility is important

if you ever start to feel like you're a pretty normal looking person, just take a picture or yourself really close up with your phone. it'll keep you in check.

the importance of nose

mickey mouse is utterly terrifying without his nose. with his nose? only somewhat terrifying.

jogging

ADVICE: you may find yourself feeling a little down in the dumps. then you may remember hearing somewhere that jogging is a good way to clear your mind and cheer up a bit. but here's what really happens: jogging reminds you that you can't even do that right! then you've got one more thing to be bummed about.

schoolpants says: don't do it!

toilet paper tube

this toilet paper tube is much larger in diameter than the toilet paper i use at home.

polishing the basketball

word to the wise: next time you're painting a basketball with white nail polish, open a window, man. otherwise, you're gonna start get dizzy and feels weird. uh oh.

letters to schoolpants

i get lots of emails from my readers. day after day, hundreds of thousands of millions of letters appear in my inbox. some of them carry messages of thanks and encouragement. others contain marriage proposals or erotic photos. most, however, are letters asking for advice. i do my best at responding to every letter personally. actually i don't. but from now on, i'm going to reply to some in a segment i like to call LETTERS TO SCHOOLPANTS. here is today's letter:

Dear Schoolpants,

Hi. How are you? I'm lousy. I'm bored out of my mind all the time and I'm sick of everything. All I do anymore is work and sleep. In my free time, all I can think of is how rotten everything is. There's nothing to do. I try to eat but every type of food sucks. I try to watch tv but who wants to watch a bunch of morons pretend to do stuff. I try to read but everything's so damned boring. It just pisses me off. You seem like a nice enough guy. What do you recommend I do?

Sincerely,
Sleepless in Seatle

well, here's my advice: Seattle has two t's not one. my second piece of advice is: what your experiencing is a case of the doldrums. there's nothing you can do about it. just ride it out. write a blog or something. write anything. write about writing. write a letter to yourself and respond to it. it doesn't have to be good. just do it to pass the time. you're gonna be okay. and if things don't get better in a few weeks, you can run away and hitchhike across the USA and live like a hobo until you die. doesn't that sound like fun?

if you would like to contribute a letter, please email schoolpants@gmail.com