skyping with luke

i can't believe i forgot to tell you guys about this. on thanksgiving, when i was talking to my family via skype, my nephew luke was pretty confused. he couldn't figure out how he was interacting with a video of me. "is this in the past?" he asked me. "yup," i lied. he grinned and looked suspicious. "how?" he asked. "time machine," i explained.

he knew i was lying but still couldn't figure it out. to be honest, i don't know how skype is possible either. video chat is crazy and futuristic and beyond my realm of understanding. but i loved that luke's first idea is that i had recorded my half of the conversation in the past. kids are awesome.

my favorite saved by the bell episode

my favorite episode was the one where zach and slater got in a fist fight on the first day of senior year. i was all like "what the heck is your guys's problems? this is supposed to be the best year ever and you're blowing it!" but then (spoiler alert) mr belding's toupee falls in the punch bowl and the dance and so zach and slater laugh and decide to be friends again.

also kelly and jesse don't go to school there anymore?

that was a weird episode.

check expressions

i was ordering new checks recently and they had all these hilarious options for things you can have printed on your personal checks. i really wanted to get all of them. some of my favorites include:

• DREAMS DO COME TRUE!
• AND YOUR POINT IS?
• LIVIN' LARGE AND TAKIN' CHARGE

but they cost like $3 extra so i was like "No way hose A! Maybe when i'm a millionaire."

not my tax dollars

this guy's always going on about things he doesn't want his tax dollars spent on. i try to tell him that's not how it works but he just stands there with his hands in his pockets, shaking his head. he's nuts.

i like stuff like this

this is a video that my friend premstar made. it is really cool. i like stuff like this.

premstar is an actor and she sells really cool vintage clothes and stuff that you can check out here.

bajillion

i was writing an email to my friend dave faulk when a spellcheck dotted red line underlined a word i typed. "hmm," i thought. "must've put an extra L in BAJILLION." i retyped the word. the dotted red line appeared again. "this spellcheck must be on the fritz," i thought.

then, about a second later, "i'm an idiot," i thought.

bajillion is not a real word.

fudgicles: a poem

The fudgicles got mad
and that made me sad
So we went our separate ways.

google ads break the language barrior

google reads all of my emails to learn about me so they can sell me stuff. none of my emails are written in whatever language that ad is written in. so you'd think that google goofed up somewhere.

but you want to know the weird part? i UNDERSTAND what that says. i don't know how, but i do! and i really need that thing they are selling!

book review

there were some funny parts but a lot of it was pretty science-y and boring. i'd say, wait for the movie.

just your copper pot

this video is esoteric and silly but i like it. maybe you will too.

slants

i think it's dumb that this type of writing is called italics. if this type of writing is called bold, i think this should be called slants. please get on board. stop saying italics. start saying slants.

it's an indian thing

i was trying to take a picture of the car in front of me but my phone stinks. the car had a bumper sticker that said "it's an indian thing. you wouldn't understand."

and i didn't understand. so technically it's true. but i feel like it's cheating because it doesn't really make sense. i don't know what "it" is. so of course i don't understand.

i want to make a bumper sticker that says "it is a thing. you wouldn't understand." no one could argue with that bumper sticker.

save your receipts

it's a really good thing i save all my credit card receipts. if i didn't save them all, then how would i ever know that i went to in-n-out back in september and then never looked at the receipt again until almost all of the ink had disappeared?

concerning O words

fun fact: occult and cult are actually two different words.

opossum and possum: still the same.

you have to clean the coffee filter

you guys, it's really important to clean the coffee filter after you use it. i like mold just as much the next guy, but i feel like we're being a little too accommodating.

not a redeemable coupon

isn't it a coupon's "redeemable-ness" that makes it a coupon? aren't coupons inherently redeemable? at least for a limited time?

that's like if i said "buy any schoolpants t-shirt and save up to $1.4 million when you buy the entire blog. but just kidding, you can't."

it doesn't make sense.

incidentally, if you have a lot of money and want this blog, please email me at Schoopants@gmail.com

sobby lady

so this woman in a nearby apartment is upset about something, i think. she's been sobbing and ranting non-stop for around 25 minutes. she hardly even pauses for breaths. it's kind of impressive. but even more annoying. i cleared my throat loudly a few times to see if it'd make here self-conscious enough to get her to stop but it didn't. my next tactic was to sigh a few times. no results. so then i played "livin in the sunlight, lovin in the moonlight" by tiny tim very loudly on my computer. she only got louder.

some people just aren't ashamed of their emotions i guess. i don't know. i don't get it.

i am a leo now

according to the crazy people who run the astrology business, i am no longer a virgo but a leo. some people are freaking out about these changes. not me. i welcome them. i'm sick of being like i used to be. i'm a leo now. yee-haw.

dander

a cat drooled on me. a cat drooled on me so much that a large drool spot was left on my shirt. i was not, until recently, aware that cats drooled. when i expressed my surprise, i was told "that's cat dander. that's what you're allergic to."
"drool?" i asked.
"yes, dander." i was told.
"i thought dander was like their hair and stuff. like dandruff. i figured dander and dandruff shared a latin root."
"nope. dander is spit."
and like a sucker, i totally believed it.
i believed it all the way up until just now when i looked up "dander" in the dictionary and found the definition:
Pronunciation:  /ˈdan-dər/ 
Function: n 
: DANDRUFF 
specifically :  minute scales from hair, feathers, or skin that may act as allergens 

butter=better

this is a cheeseburger with a slab of butter in it. it looks disgusting and i would very much like to eat it.

the Barton

no calculator would be complete without the "bart simpson haircut" button.

three day old goat

This goat is three days old. My girlfriend took a picture of it because she met the goat in person!

my friend pat

I have a few theories about my friend Patrick. The one I'm most certain about is that he was born and raised in depression-era boston, then frozen and stored away until he was thawed by scientists in 2006, just before I met him. I believe he was a hobo before he was frozen. I imagine he ran into some trouble with the law whilst jumping train cars. He wasn't much use in jail on account of he refused to assist in the production of license plates due to his staunch anti-license plates political beliefs. He argued that every car should have a proper name, just like people. So when the prison guards put him to work on the license plates, he just kept making ones that said "Jeremy Ripplington" and "Nathan Bramblegam" and so on and so forth. The guards took him out of the license plate plant and tried to put him to work on the chain gang, trimming grass on the sides of highways. Patrick quickly proved useless in this form of labor as well on account of he greeted every car that passed on the highway. He'd put down his sickle, tip his cap, and say "good day, Mr. Samuel Tangingtan" or "lovely day for a drive, isn't it Mz. Suzanne Pancakehaus?"
The guards were at a loss. Then one day, a young doctor by the name of Randy Seuss wrote to the penitentiary describing a radical new medical procedure he had been researching. He was hoping to test it on animals and/or prisoners. At that time, the prison no longer held animals but they were more than happy to donate Patrick.
In 2006, the project lost it's funding and doctors were forced to thaw Patrick and release him into the wild with little to no direction at all.
Another theory I have about my friend Patrick, and I don't have as much proof to back this one up, is that if you can catch him while he's chewing on your hair when you're sleeping, he has to give you a gold coin. I've almost caught him twice.

cat chat

i used to really dislike cats. i thought they were all the same: smelly, scratchy, and condescending. but then i started chatting online with one. he showed me that yes, cats might get hair all over your clothes and make you sneeze and scratch you for no reason at all, but they also do funny stuff and sit next to you and get scared easily by silly things. now we're good buddies.

my best friend amy butler christmas

why would youtube think that "my best friend amy butler christmas" is a more reasonable thing to search than "my best friend my butler christmas?"

the only thing i can think of to rationalize it is that maybe the person who runs the youtube search engine has a best friend named amy butler.

My Best Friend, My Butler, My Christmas Special

Merry Christmas, everyone! I got you a new episode of "My Best Friend, My Butler." I hope it fits.

hundred dolla bills, y'all!

have you guys seen what american $100 bills will look like in the future? they look awesome!
maybe by the time they come out into circulation, i'll have enough money to afford them.

garry shandling

have you guys seen the larry sanders show starring garry shandling? i remember it being on hbo when i was a kid but i wasn't very into it back then. but recently, hey now! i like it a lot. i'm currently watching the first season on netflix and enjoying it quite thoroughly. to commemorate my enjoyment of this experience, i've drawn a flattened version of garry shandling's face. only, in the drawing, i've spelled garry's first name wrong. and for that, i apologize.

Let's get to know each other better

what did your garage door opener look like when you were a kid? mine was black with a big white button. when i'd play with it far from home, i'd get worried that i accidentally opened a nearby garage door or, even worse, our garage door at home. so i'd always push it an even number of times to ensure the door was closed. but then i'd still worry that maybe i accidentally pushed it once without noticing or maybe it didn't work one of the times i pushed it because i knew sometimes you had to push it more than once to get the door to open. there was a lot of worrying when i was a kid.

giant contact lens dream

Have I ever told you guys about this one recurring dream I have sometimes? It's nothing exciting. I'm just trying to put my contacts in, only my contacts are practically the size of my face and, therefore, extremely difficult to get in my eyeball.

I can't figure out what the dream is supposed to mean. I don't have much trouble at all getting my contacts in my eyes in real life, so why in dream life? What is my sub-brain trying to tell my upstairs-brain? Any dream interpreters out there? Let me know what you think. Or at least leave some smart-alecky joke comments, anyway.

the cool brothers dot blogspot

Sometime around 1989, I wrote my first blog post. It mostly had to do with how I was cool and so was my little brother. It wasn't ground-breaking news but it went over pretty well with a small audience (mom). The blog format was a little different back then. I used toys instead of internets and I wore acid-wash jeans instead of schoolpants. The subject matter has remained pretty much the same though, except for I don't mention John much anymore.