not again

do you ever wake up in a strange place, by a pool, with people standing around, looking at you, and you don't remember how you got there? i hate that.

don't get sentimental

Mo stares longingly at the fur that used to be his front legs.

stupid question

no, actually, i've never even given myself a second thought.
some jerk keeps putting these flyers under my windshield wiper. i've never seen who does it, but if i ever do i want to tell him/her that i'm more curious about them and why they keep putting garbage on my windshield. and if the garbage-under-the-windshield-wiper technique actually works to recruit new crazies.

burger king tourists

listen: i like a whopper with cheese just as much as the next guy, but i barely ever go to burger king anymore because i can't stand all those dinosaur tourists that are always standing around, taking pictures, and totally being in the way and not moving. and even when you say excuse me, they're like "oh sorry (insincere) and they turn around and "accidentally" hit you with their huge backpack. and then they "accidentally" press down on your toes with their walking sticks. it's like, "real mature guys! i just want a whopper with cheese! get a life!" am i right?

cat training

i'm training the cat to act more like people. eventually my plan is to teach him to play mario kart with me.

MBFMB t-shirts?

i'm thinking about making My Best Friend, My Butler t-shirts. what do you guys think?

jerk parking only

this is where all the stupid jerks park their cars.

sea squirts

what is a sea squirt and why did someone leave a box of them on the sidewalk?

my mom

this is what my mom look like.

just kidding. my mom doesn't wear collared shirts.

more like stupidy plates

stoo pid

5 questions

i have 5 questions:
1. why do outhouses have a crescent moon hole in the door.
2. why does this guy have an outhouse on  his property?
3. why does this guy have a fire hydrant on his property?
4. why is this guy's house only 2"6' tall?
5. why does this guy have a chain link fence with barbed wire surrounding his property?

sonic the hedgehog

did you guys know that the original sketches of Sonic the Hedgehog looked like this? if you said yes, you're a liar. because i just invented this sketch.

curb

this has always confused me. does "curb" mean "pick up the poop from?"
if so, how did that idea get assigned that word.
also, how does this tie into Curb Your Enthusiasm?

you might be a redneck if ...

you might be a redneck if your neck is the color red.

i'm sorry i made you look at my weird freckly back and weirdly too-straight back-of-the-head hairline.

remember when jed fockswerthy got famous for jokes about sunburnt necks?

talking tennis balls

i have no idea why.

cool graffiti

cool ronnie strikes again!

next stop ...

this bus is going to sin.

should be called stupid water

this is stupid in so many ways, i don't know how to make fun of it.

the coolest beer

this is the coolest billboard.

directions

go left

seinfeld billboards

there are these billboards around town that advertise re-runs of seinfeld. they're so weird and awesome. this one is a picture of jerry with his arms folded and it says "Dolores!" there's another one of george and all it says is "I'm an architect." i like to imagine that people who have aren't familiar with every episode of seinfeld are very confused by these signs. i also like to imagine that those are the characters' catchphrases. like whenever jerry proves a point he folds his arms and says "Dolores!"

i've found myelf

guess i should've just started my search at the "you are here" mirror.

more like slush cone

this snow cone is 85% syrup. i'm not complaining, i'm just saying.

sea horse nightmare

do you guys ever have that recurring nightmare where you are tiny and you're surrounded by giant sea horses and they're all horsing around and rough housing and what-have-you and you're all scared because you're tiny and you think they're gonna accidentally crush you or something with their sea horse hooves? and you're all like, "heya guys! look for lil' ol' me down here!" and that just freaks 'em out more because sea horses can't see all that good and so they get spooked and they start screaming and panicking and that just makes matters worse. and then you wake up in a swimming pool surrounded by drowned horses? then you realize you're still dreaming and then you start screaming and then the horses come back to life and start screaming and then you wake up from that and realize that you were never sleeping in the first place, because you are a sea horse and sea horses don't sleep? and then the doctor tells you you're hallucinating? and all you can think is that if this guy is such a good doctor, what's he doing taking sea horses as patients instead of humans? and then you realize he's a veterinarian so that makes sense but then you realize you're not in water and oh my god i can't breathe!

ear speakers

you know how mean old people say that you have two ears and one mouth because you need to listen more and talk less? well, i'm working on changing that. using only headphone speakers, simple wiring, and basic neurosurgery, i'm developing a procedure that would allow our thoughts to be amplified and shot out of our ears (BOTH ears) in any voice or accent you can think of. also, i take the tubes that go to your ear drums and wire them through your mouth. so to listen, you just have to open your mouth. can't hear to well? just open your mouth wider, dummy! don't feel like listening right now? that's easy, just shut your trap!

and because you're mouth needs to be saved for listening, you have to eat through your belly button! which means no more choking on stuff!

also, you sneeze out your butt now. i don't know why. there's always a few kinks to work out with new surgical procedures.

my heart!

somebody put a cigarette in my heart! this just confirms my suspicions that no one takes my love of the letter "u" seriously.

(to my readers in the law enforcement industry: i did not do this graffiti.)

bikeman

on my way home from work yesterday, i was stuck at a traffic light and, much to my surprise, a bikeman rode up and started performing bicycle tricks for me. it sure helped pass the time at that light. i almost didn't want the light to turn green! i could've happily sat and watched him do bicycle tricks for several minutes longer. he did some really neat tricks! but alas, the light changed and it was time for me to bid my new friend farewell. i shouted "thank you for helping me pass the time!" and threw whatever spare change was in my cup holder at him. most of it hit the car next to me. but, it's the thought that counts anyway, so who cares.

ipad app

i downloaded a drawing app on emily's ipad because i thought "drawing is fun! ipad is fun! i bet drawing on ipad is double fun!" so i gave it a whirl and boy was it lousy. i was able to use it to draw this though, which is pretty cool.

smogs!

everyday i go into this place and say something like, "excuse me, do you have any frogs? ... no? you don't sell frogs here? hmm ... well ... okay, thanks anyway" and then the next day i go in and say something like "hullo, i was wondering if i could purchase some clogs. ... what's that? no clogs, hmm. well, i guess i'll keep lookin'. have a good one, buddy." and then the day after that, i'll go in and put twenty dollars on the counter and say, "two blogs, please!" and then i look of into the distance and start whistling and tapping my fingers on the counter.

anyway, the guy that works there is kind of rude. i do not recommend this establishment.

baby poms

did you know that baby pomegranates look like tiny outerspace aliens/underwater sea creatures? i didn't until yesterday when we parked next to some when we went some place to eat for lunch.

also, did you know that "pomegranate" is a really tricky word to spell? i didn't until i just tried to spell it several times and finally resorted to asking spell check.