air horn

is there ever an appropriate time to use one of these?

jogging

ADVICE: you may find yourself feeling a little down in the dumps. then you may remember hearing somewhere that jogging is a good way to clear your mind and cheer up a bit. but here's what really happens: jogging reminds you that you can't even do that right! then you've got one more thing to be bummed about.

schoolpants says: don't do it!

toilet height

how come the toilets at restaurants and places like that are always so much taller than the toilet at home?

describe a human

is "gunk" taken?

is there a name for that stuff that collects on the bottom of your mouse? if not, may i propose, "gunk?"

My Best Friend, My Butler Episode 6 coming soon!

It's almost Butler's Day you guys! Episode 6 will be here very soon!

Creepy's Pizza

i've never eaten at this pizza place because i'm terrified that if i go in there i might see two identical 6-foot-4, baby-faced, chubby men making my pizza.

drawing smurves from memory

i don't know if you guys are aware of this or not, but drawing a smurf, just from memory, is more difficult than you might think.

great website

i have a new favorite website. it's a tribute to the famed author of the now defunct wikibloogia.com.

my second favorite website is the results page that you get when your do a google image search of the word website.

carwash + rain = same day

so today i got a carwash, honestly, for the first time in about two years. and wouldn't you know it, it f-ing rains three hours later. it rains. in los angeles. for the first time in i don't know how long. a long time.

i'm not so mad that it was sort of a waste of a carwash, as i'm mad that it's such a cliché.

mechanical bull

when i was in college, one time my friend trent and i went to this party where they had a mechanical bull. a mechanical bull is a robot that looks like a male cow. but the only way that it acts like is a male cow is when some one sits on it. i don't know if you know this but male cows HATE IT when people sit on them. well, the robot ones do anyway. so we're at the party and this girl sits on the robot bull (which it HATES) so the robot bull starts going crazy trying to get this girl off his back and he tosses her up in the air and right as she's falling passed his head, WHAMMO, the mechanical bull turns hard and punches her in the head with his head! it was crazy. everybody in the place got really quiet except for one guy who said, "Whoa," really loud.

then she stood up and lots of people said things like "are you okay?" and she said she was okay. but she did NOT look okay. she looked punch drunk. plus alcohol drunk. she stumbled away and no one ever saw her again. legend has it she didn't go to our school.

weird big head small body

guys, do i have a weird big head and small body and cat stuck to my hand or is this just a weird photo?

how to grow a mustache

growing a mustache can be an intimidating, even painful, experience. but at the end of it, you get a mustache! so it all evens out. just grow one.

patrick = diva

 well we tried shooting another episode of My Best Friend, My Butler but patrick spent so much time dilly-dallying that i just got bored and died!

rhino hat man

Rhino Hat Man is neither a man with a rhino hat, a hat with a rhino and a man, or a rhino with a hat man. Rhino Hat Man is all at once completely rhino, completely hat, and completely man. if you can't understand that then you have to deal with the reality of never having Rhino Hat Man in your life. that is a fate that i would wish on no man, hat, or rhino.

ticklish cage

Ticklish Cage from Jon Daly      

here is another funny or die video i helped out on. i can't take much (any) credit for this one. but my friends did a good job on it! and i helped! so that's something.

oh also it has some f-words (mom, don't watch this).

almost forever?

i like this doodle that i doodled but i have no idea why i wrote "almost forever" on it. just goes to show you: when i'm in the doodle zone, i ain't thinking, i'm  just doodlin'.

When I contemplate the role the subconscious plays in the creative yet mindless act of doodling, I can't help but conclude: doodle is a stupid word.

crazy tree branch

we saw this crazy tree branch in big sur. have you ever seen a crazy tree branch? man them things is CRAZY!

f words and bad parenting

Home Invasion! - watch more funny videos      

so this is a video i edited. it's pretty funny but it's probably not safe for work as it contains guns and intruders and crying and f-words and bad parenting. it's also probably not safe for my mom for all those same reasons.

but if you're okay with all of those things and you're not at work and you're not my mom, by all means, feel free to watch this video!

butter-fly

 check out this little guy we met in Big Sur. he is a butterfly and he was quite entertaining. he told us a few jokes (most of them too racist for this blog) and he performed a soft shoe number that was both impressive and delightful. then emily tried to touch him and he flew away forever and probably got eated by bullfrog or something.

New Yorker cartoon caption contest

"Aw man, here come all those businessmen without heads again! Guess we should just keep doing our jobs as janitors."

i'm feeling pretty confident about this submission.

sorcerer of lines

I AM A SORCERER OF LINES!

sorcerer is one of those words that always feels like you're spelling it wrong, even when you're not.

toilet paper tube

this toilet paper tube is much larger in diameter than the toilet paper i use at home.

best breakfast award 9/25/11

I'm proud to announce that today's Schoolpants Best Breakfast Award goes to the apple cinnamon pancakes that emily and I had three weeks ago. They were just giant pancakes with lots of apples and cinnamon in them, but the result was like a crazy applepie with pancake crust and maple syrup on top. It gave me heartburn but was well worth it. My heart doesn't know crap about breakfast.

the cow says:

it's weird that one of the first few things we teach new humans (babies) is what animals say. i don't understand how that is all that important. i mean, i'm all for kids learning things. i support that. but i don't know how much i have benefitted from knowing that pigs say oink. furthermore, i don't think i've ever heard a pig say oink. all the ones i've encountered just make weird gasping/choking/farting/snorting noises. maybe we should be teaching piglets what pigs say.

boy suits

with halloween coming up, i'm sure a lot of you are planning on dressing up as boys this year. if you need a recommendation of where to get a good boy suit, i know a pretty hot spot that has a huge selection of boy suits of all shapes and sizes.

my best friend, my butler website

that last post reminded me that i hadn't told you about the My Best Friend, My Butler website: http://www.mybestfriendmybutler.com/

Butler is also on Funny or Die now at: http://www.funnyordie.com/mybestfriendmybutler

and you can "LIKE" us on facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/mybestfriendmybutler

we're wrapping up the 6th episode soon and it's a ca-razzzzy one!

websites are hard

hey gang: i can't believe i didn't tell you guys this earlier but i got one of those internet "website" thingies. i thought about getting schoolpants but someone already has that and they aren't even using it. the guy just wants to sell it to someone. so i offered him $17 and he told me to buzz off.

anyway, i got www.nicmichaels.com instead. because that's sort of like schoolpants.

i don't know how to make a stinking website is the problem. i tried and it just made me say bad words and frown and grind my teeth. so until i learn to be a little more patient and a lot nerdier, it'll probably just look like this. but i hope to put all nic-michaels-related stuff up there. and i will still keep schoolpants here.

if anybody has tips on how to easily make a cool website, please let me know.

"quotation marks"

"We" don't know how to use "quotation marks."

september 25

you guys: it's september 25th already! where does the time go?

just kidding. i know where the time goes.

but i'm not supposed to tell anybody.

there's somebody looking at me through binoculars.

i gotta go.