100th Blorg Post!

We made it, guys! We really did it! I'm proud of all of us. Especially me. This is my 100th blorg post. They said it couldn't be done. I said, "who are They?" There was no response. Then I remembered that no one, in fact, said that it couldn't be done.

And let that be a lesson to you: No one says stuff can't be done. Whenever you hear someone talking about what "They" say, replace the words "they say" with "no one says" and you'll probably get a truer version of whatever they're talking about. Because in Real Life, no one gives a crap about anything. And neither should you.

What am I getting at? No one knows. Furthermore: no one cares. Including me. And that's what's great. Or horrible. Depending on how you look at it.

I'm using proper Capitalization in my 100th blorg post. I don't know why. It wasn't here in the first 99.

But here's what I'm getting at: it's been 100 days since my first blog post. 100 days. Think of all that's happened in these first 100 days. Everything and Nothing. Pretty cool, eh? I'll say. Yee-haw.

fortune cookie

last night i ate chinese food. my fortune cookie told me that everybody feels lucky for having me as a friend. i hope that's true.

it made me feel pretty okay. because i feel lucky for having all my friends as friends. so it's good to hear that they all feel lucky to have me too. but then i thought about it some more. the wording of the fortune is peculiar. notice it doesn't say "all of your friends feel lucky for having you as a friend." it says EVERYBODY feels that way. this wording implies that EVERYBODY thinks of me as a friend. talk about terrific news. not only does everyone think of me as a friend but they all feel LUCKY to feel that way. wow. i'm on top of the world.

johnny-on-the-spot

yesterday morning at work, an old lady was asking us why there was no line. it's usually extremely busy in the morning. my colleague told her it was a weird morning. the crowd came early. it was very busy between 6 and 7am rather than 8 and 9am. she tried to make sense of the communal early rising, "well, i guess it's monday. everybody's johnny-on-the-spot."

i thought that was the greatest thing in the world that she could've said. so i grabbed a pastry bag and wrote it down right away. so as not to forget.

i got this rad nickel at work!

i was at work and some chump paid for something with this rad 1934 buffalo nickel. so i totally swiped it. i love nickels. especially old buffalo nickels. for three reasons: 1) the indian on the front. bad ass. i'm really into profile shots of indians for some reason. i think the washington redskins logo and the chicago blackhawks logo are the two coolest logos in american sport. 2) the buffalo. buffalos are supercool. partly because they look like they should be extinct. you look at these big burly vegetarians and you think "what's keepin' them alive?" i remember one time during one of the summers in college, we went to this girl's lake cottage in northern indiana. right by her garage was this huge buffalo farm. after spending a long drunken night at her place, i went out to my car and there was a buffalo standing RIGHT by the fence. and so i stood like 2 feet from it. and we just looked at each other for awhile. there was a lot of wisdom in those big dark buffalo eyes. then he got bored of looking at me and he walked away. 3) i've always thought nickels were lucky for some reason. my first winter in boston, i always carried three nickels in my right coat pocket. one was a buffalo nickel, one was one of those nickels that commemorates lewis & clark and says "ocean in view! o! the joy!" which i always thought was a hilarious quote, and the last was one of those weird ones, where jefferson's head isn't in profile but is at like a 30-degree angle. i don't like the last one.

networking, yuck!

in my personal opinion, networking is for schmucks. pardon my french. this is an actual email i received from one of the institutes of higher education that i attended. the thing i don't like about colleges and universities is that they actually promote being a schmuck. they want you to get out there and schmuck it up. i say, "balls to that!"
another thing i say, "stop sending me emails that don't pertain to me. i don't live in boston."
and yet another thing i say, "proofread your stupid effing emails." i changed some of the names, so as to not offend persons or colleges, but i did not change the bad grammar. "Join us for night of facilitated speed networking ..." and "...will lead the session, as well as providing an overview ..." come on, guys. you work for a college.
but that's not important. back to networking. to me, it seems like the slimiest, most despicable thing that nice, educated people can do to one another. sincerely, that's how i feel about it. but hey, look where my anti-networking sentiment got me: i have a masters degree and work at a coffee shop.
so, balls to me.
but i've got my principles. and now i feel inspired to make a video that satirizes networking. yes sir. i woke up early today. and i have some lofty plans. yee haw.

where is the sandworms?

this is probably my favorite movie of ALL-TIME. for those of you who don't know, "all-time" is a Danish filmmaker. He's a surrealist/docu-venturist who produces some of the best experimental videos in all of the Nordic countries. to work with All-Time on the period-piece/dream-sequence was literally a dream come true. LITERALLY ... a DREAM ... come true.

aaaaaaaaanyway. this movie was shot without a cameraman (or catamaran, for that matter) on halloween day 2007. there was no idea for a movie. just talking. this is how me and my friend patrick rule talk. and i think that's why other people don't like talking to us.

"cloning babes" saturday mornings on nbc

i was just watching television when the strangest programme came on. it took place in a lab filled with nerdy old scientists. one nerdy old scientist runs into the lab and says to the other scientist, "i just had an idea: instead of cloning sheep, we should be cloning babes!" then the theme song starts and during the opening credits it shows the two nerdy old scientists leading the only female nerdy old scientist to a cloning machine. a bunch of clones of the female nerdy scientist start marching out. then it cuts to the two nerdy old scientists high fiving for like nine minutes.

contest loser

so there was this contest for one of my favorite television programmes where they asked fans to make really arty posters for the band from the television programme. part of the joke of the show is that the band isn't so good. but in a nice way. like endearing. so i thought an appropriate poster would share the same qualities. so i made this poster. i thought it was pretty clever. i thought they'd like it. maybe they did. but it didn't win. and now i'm embarrassed. i made another poster for them that is similarly bad. i call the second one "denim on a cool autumn day."
it's embarrassing to make things that people don't like. i get embarrassed a lot. but i guess it's better this way. i wouldn't want to be one of those people who never gets embarrassed. those people are awful.

tickle machine

robots love tickle-fights. but they don't play fair.

memily's birdthay!

to-day is my "friend," marmily ratatat's birdthay. awhile back, i made a birdthay card for my friend, sam harkenharken. and even before that, i posted a video by my friend pete hose on his birdthay. at those times, i thought i was just following my whimsy but apparently i was setting an awful precedent. now it's marmily's birdthay and she wants something.
just kidding, she didn't ask for this. just kidding, she did. just kidding. now you don't know because of all the just kiddings.
anyway, i didn't wake up in a drawing-mood. i was in more of a collage-mood. the collage is an art form that was invented by an elementary school yearbook editor in 1987.
emily's been my friend for almost a year now. and i have a feeling that we are going to be friends for at least a few more months. maybe three. i don't know. just throwing a number out there. we met on a cruise of the mediterranean. i was doing my magic act. she was working as a cocktail waitress. after a week or so on the cruise, i guess she figured out how most of my tricks worked. because after every trick, she would scream out how it was done and yell something like "that's not magic! that's bullshit! this guy's bullshit!" and every night she'd get all the people in the audience into this huge frenzy where they'd all chant "bullshit" and throw drinks at me. it became a regular part of the act. we've been close friends ever since.
she had a thing for me for awhile. but i can't be tied down. so i was like "sorry babe, there's just too many fish in the sea. and by 'fish,' i mean 'babes.' and by 'the sea,' i mean 'babetown.'" so i introduced her to my ugly friend kienan. now they're sort of dating. but kienan's still dates other babes. he's a pretty cool dude.