letters to schoolpants

i get lots of emails from my readers. day after day, hundreds of thousands of millions of letters appear in my inbox. some of them carry messages of thanks and encouragement. others contain marriage proposals or erotic photos. most, however, are letters asking for advice. i do my best at responding to every letter personally. actually i don't. but from now on, i'm going to reply to some in a segment i like to call LETTERS TO SCHOOLPANTS. here is today's letter:

Dear Schoolpants,

Hi. How are you? I'm lousy. I'm bored out of my mind all the time and I'm sick of everything. All I do anymore is work and sleep. In my free time, all I can think of is how rotten everything is. There's nothing to do. I try to eat but every type of food sucks. I try to watch tv but who wants to watch a bunch of morons pretend to do stuff. I try to read but everything's so damned boring. It just pisses me off. You seem like a nice enough guy. What do you recommend I do?

Sincerely,
Sleepless in Seatle

well, here's my advice: Seattle has two t's not one. my second piece of advice is: what your experiencing is a case of the doldrums. there's nothing you can do about it. just ride it out. write a blog or something. write anything. write about writing. write a letter to yourself and respond to it. it doesn't have to be good. just do it to pass the time. you're gonna be okay. and if things don't get better in a few weeks, you can run away and hitchhike across the USA and live like a hobo until you die. doesn't that sound like fun?

if you would like to contribute a letter, please email schoolpants@gmail.com