laundry roach

it seems that every time i go to the laundromat, something strange happens. today was no exception.

i was quietly reading when my peripheral vision informed me that weirdness was afoot. i looked up to find the largest cockroach these eyes have ever seen. the beast was nearly 1.5 inches in length, with antennae each as long, if not longer, than the length of the beast's body. each of the back legs appeared to be 1.25 inches long (when extended), with spikes/hairs covering the surface of each leg.

i watched, in fear, for what must have been 45 minutes while this brute gnawed on some gum that was stuck to the floor. i began tapping my foot loudly, pretending to enjoy the mexican music coming from the boombox, in hopes that the vibrations would frighten the arthropod and encourage her to retreat back to the crack in the floor under the washing machine whence she came. no such luck. it was clear, then, that i was more afraid of the beast than she of me.

so we sat there, for the remainder of my laundry time, in silence. i read my book. she chewed her gum.

when the clothes were dry and it was time for me to leave, i felt i should explain myself to her, explain that it wasn't her fault i was leaving. but there were no words.

i just left.

and then josé, the laundry guy, squished her with his shoe.

mound rushmus: a new kind of religion

"Through a little discipline, and
nineteen or twenty courses, we can
all reach the summit of mound rushmus"
~St. Anselm

i would like to take this opportunity to share with you my new faith: mound rushmus (brought to you by the fine folks at the Coca-Cola Bottling Company in Atlanta, GA). are you tired of your old way of life? why not try mound rushmus? it worked for me and my friends.

through nineteen or twenty simple courses you can learn to harness positive energy and lose pounds fast. these are the basic tenets of mound rushmus:

1. drink your coke!
   
2. wash those hands!
   
3. i like your slacks!
   
4. how's that coke?

so why not give it a try? don't forget to bring your friends!

gchat

how come sometimes when i send hilarious gchats to my friends from home, they don't gchat back with me, and then they just sign off, even though the messages i sent were awesome and hilarious and not-at-all-annoying?

the party's over, the fun has to end

the train's pulling in. this is russ and axel's stop.
starting tomorrow, my couches won't have sleeping bags on them. the last 8 days have felt like 8 months. it's been fun playing mariokart every evening and boozing every night. but it'll be so nice to be rid of these assholes. just kidding. it will be sad. but seriously. it'll be nice.

serious question

i was walking to this UPS dropbox in the Taft Building, to return some DCs that were a size too small in exchange for some new balances i'm really excited about, and i passed a bus hut advertisement for "madea goes to jail." the title made me think of a cruddy movie that i, myself, had watched as a boy and i was shocked that i hadn't made the connection earlier: is madea like ernest for black people?
i'm not even trying to be funny. i'm just trying to understand. i watched an episode of tyler perry's "house of payne" last year to see what all the hubbub was about. i was baffled. but i think this madea-ernest connection might offer me a little insight. i mean, the ernest franchise was baffling in and of itself, but i came to accept it. if i can come to accept that the tyler perry franchise is a similarly bewildering phenomena, then i can stop trying to understand and just let it be.

seriously, how?

so, i was just on facebook and on the homepage thing, it showed that my friend pete was tagged in a photo. the photo was a picture of the snowy midwest united states. so i clicked on it and looked through the album because it's fun to remember that back in the real world, it's like cold and stuff. so i was checking out this photo album that was created by someone i've never heard of, and i came across this picture of a huge light pole that somehow ended up in the backseat of a car.

all of the comments below the photo asked exactly what was on my mind: "how could this possibly happen ... ever?" and the crazy skank who made the album offered ZERO answers. i've honestly been looking at the pictures for like twenty minutes, trying to wrap my head around how this could happen, and it's driving me insane. i even looked for news stories about the storm, hoping to find something about this car. but there's nothing. WHY AREN'T MORE PEOPLE FREAKED OUT BY THIS? this should be on national news stations. physicists should be baffled and outraged. i want answers.

bat movie!

so in the august of two-thousand and five, i went home for my nephew, luke's baptism. "home" is Ft. Wayne, Ind. i was living in Indnpls, Ind at the time. kienan hitched a ride with me from ft wayne to indy, where his car was waiting for him (kienan was living in Bloomington, Ind at the time). anyway, we got to indy and kienan decided to stop in to use the toilet and say hello to dave. so we got inside and dave mentioned that he thought he saw a bird or something but maybe he's crazy. we took a look around and i spotted a bat hanging in our dining room.

we were all pretty confused as to what to do about this bat, but i was certain that the video camera needed to be involved. we screamed and ran around the house like hyperactive children for around three hours or so. then we watched the footage over and over, giggling and squeeling like drugheads. a few weeks later, we did some interviews about the bat-fight, in hopes to make some sort of story that i could edit together and we could show to friends. three and a half years later, here's a proper version of that story:

more about the year of the dog

i was just chatting with my friend, wikipedia, some more about the year of the dog. she told me the ideal jobs for people like me are: politician, scientist, actor/actress, teacher, writer, movie director, pub landlord/landlady.

and i want to be ALL OF THOSE THINGS (except actress and landlady). and i wanted to be all those things before wikipedia even told me those were my ideal jobs. pretty smart, eh?

happy new year china

china got a new year today. that's always pretty exciting news. this one's called "the year of the ox." pretty good name, i suppose.
i was checking out what that meant, just now, on this website called wikipedia. it's pretty much this website that knows absolutely everything about absolutely everything. so wikipedia told me that the ox is a sign of "prosperity through fortitude and hard work." so that's good news right? i mean, sucks we gotta work hard and show some fortitude. but good news that if we DO, then we'll be properous. it would totally suck if we worked hard and showed some fortitude ALL year and then didn't get any prosperity. anyway, i guess what china is saying is, "if you plan on working hard and putting up with bullcrap, this year, it might actually pay off." i'm not chinese or anything. but i feel inspired. sincerely.

so then i was asking wikipedia what other years meant. like the year of the dog, which is the year i was born. and wikipedia told me all about myself. being born in the year of the dog means i'm loyal, amicable, sociable, and open-minded. but it also means i'm cynical, judgemental, stubborn, and quarrelsome. which explains why i love everybody and hate everybody at the same time. even more specifically, wikipedia told me that i was born in a water year of the ox. and water is associated with a difficulty to make a decision and stick to it, because water is "fluid and weak." BUT it can "weild great power when it floods and overwhelms the land." also, water's primal spirit is represented by the Black Tortoise. i didn't even know tortoises CAME in black! so cool! i really want to befriend a black tortoise now.

i feel like my brain is leaking out of my ears

i need to get my life together. my friends, axel and russ, are visiting from boston. and it's great to have them. but it's weird having friends here. i can really feel my health deteriorating, both mentally and physically. usually, i'm a real healthnut: i sleep anywhere from 1-14 hours a night, i eat fast food maybe once or thrice a week, and i drink beers frequently. but with friends in town, i've been sleeping anywhere from 4-8 hours a night, i've eaten fast food like 4 times this week, and had some beers nearly every night.

i definitely enjoy having them here. but man. when they leave. phew. i'm looking forward to getting my life together.