debit card woes

i woke up this morning, instead of this afternoon, because i got some phone calls from the bank saying there have been some suspicious charges on my debit card. i was ready to fight someone. somebody used my debit card in chicago back in 2005 and that was a huge pain in the you-know-what (neck).

so, i'm ready to box somebody's ears. i'm on the horn with the bank, pacing, screaming "we gotta find this guy and get him!" and the dude on the phone was like, "listen dawg, if we're gonna catch this scumbag, you gotta play it cool. let's get the facts straight. let me run by some of the WEIRD stuff this sicko has been using your card for and you tell me if it was you or him." i punched the wall to calm myself down a bit. i took a deep breath and calmly said, "lay it on me."

"did you buy gas last night in los angeles?" he asked. "sure did," i said, "but it wasn't for me. i needed it for my car."
"hey man, i'm not here to judge you. i'm just trying to figure out what we're up against," he reassured me.
"i dig," i reassured him.
"groovy. next up: rite aid. did you buy two bottles of vitamins, a snickers, and a fathers day card there?"
"uh, well, yeah. i mean, it wasn't a snickers bar it was one of those snickers energy bars, i just wanted to try it to see if it was any good and those vitamins were buy one get one free-"
"relax!" he cut me off.
"well i'm just trying to explain, you know, for your report!"
"that's enough!" he shouted, "final question: did you or did you not go to a circle k in the middle of nowhere on the 16th and buy a bunch of beer and candy and socks?"
"yes."
"okay, no one stole your card. you're just weird."
"sorry."
then he hung up.
i couldn't get back to sleep after that.