schoolpants undercover

did i ever tell you guys about how i used to be an undercover police cop? it was awesome. i used to go on all kinds of missions, busting bad guys, driving cool cars, fistfighting, wearing leather jackets, doing cool handshakes, playing pool with snitches, sitting in cars for long times, eating snacks, making girls fall in love with me and then getting the heck out of there, crawling through vents, using binoculars, taping microphones to my stomach, prank calling people, beating up janitors and putting on their uniforms and removing graffiti from high schools, blogging, getting tattoos, all sorts of adventures.

i remember this one time i was checking in with my police chief and he was like "where the heck you been man? you're going way too undercover! you're crazy!" and i was like "maybe i am!" and then i rode my hog (motorcycle) right out of his stupid office. then i met up with these bad guys who thought i was their friend. they were playing pool during a lull between fistfights. there was this girl who was there and they were being mean to her and i was like "you're gonna wish you never did that." and they were like "what the?" and then i fistfighted with all of them and did all these uppercuts and roundhouses and knocked all their lights out. and then the babe fell in love with me and told me about how those guys had a big drug deal and she wanted to marry me but i was like "sorry toots," and i got the heck out of there. she was like "aw man, where the heck you going?" and i was like "to a drug deal!" and i put on one of the knocked-out bad guy's clothes so i could pretend to be him. then the drug dealer was like "oh hey buddy!" and i was like, "i AIN'T yer BUDDY!" and knocked his lights out and took him to jail and the police chief was like "man, sorry i yelled at you. you're awesome. how about another mission?" and i was like "sorry boss. i'm retired." and i threw my badge in the trash can. but then i was like, man that would've been cool, like as a souvenir. so i got it out of the trash. but it had some gum stuck to it, so i was like aw man. but i took it to the bathroom and rinsed it off. it was no big deal.

pajama catalog

how is this a real thing?

windshield

bought a new windshield today. never bought one of those before. guess this is a milestone in my life.

bought new brakepads yesterday. that was a first too.

i'm growing up.

growing up feels like being vaguely ripped off.

common decency

i HATE abiding by state laws and i HATE washing my hands. but i don't hate ANYTHING as much as i hate being indecent.

face touching

i don't like it when people touch my face. but if it's a baby-person, i let it slide.

thomas "boozer" jefferson

it's hard to read but the quote at the top says "A drink may do my body no good, but imagine the good it does for my soul." i feel like presidents nowadays aren't allowed to say stuff like that.

tiny prumpkin pie

LOOK HOW BIG MY HAND IS!

xmas DORKarations

i like christmas decorations. i even like really tacky over-the-top christmas decorations. but a life-sized fake horse and children? that's pretty weird.

pork socks

With winter upon us and Jack Frost nipping at our toes, it's important to always wear your pork socks. Even when your sleeping. It'll keep you warm and the un-kosher meat acts as a strong deterrent to Jack Frost (alias Jack Goldsteinbergman).

netflix keeps inventing genres

What'd you ask? What types of movies do I like? Oh, I mostly watch tortured-genius movies. I guess I'd have to say my all-time favorite of that genre would be Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. As far as forbidden-love movies go, I think The Illusionist tops that list, for me, personally.

thanksgrabbing

Happy Thanksgiving everybody. I hope you all had a good one. Mine could've been lousy but ended up being swell. it started at 4am, heading out to my car to go to work and discovering that someone had recently thrown part of a cinder block into my windshield, creating a dinner-plate-sized spiderweb crack that was sure to be a pricey fix. Then I went to work to celebrate my holiday tradition of serving coffee to a bunch of jerks.

But after that, I got to skype with my family back home, which was really cool. Then I went over to Emily's to spend Thanksgiving with loved ones out here. It was very fun and nice and the food was good. The whole afternoon served as an important reminder that my family and friends are cool enough that just talking to them through a computer or spending an evening with them are fun enough to make the other crap not matter all that much. I'm very thankful for that.

fridge receipt

when i moved into my most recent apartment, i had to do something i'd never done before. i had to buy a fridge. it was a strange and daunting task. i don't know what to look for in a fridge. so i did what any responsible adult would do. i went on craigslist and found a guy who had like 8 beat up fridges in his mom's garage. my friend adam and i went and looked at them. he seemed to be assigning them prices randomly when we'd ask about each.

"how about this one?" i'd say.

"that one?" he'd say, "uhhhhhh, 450."

then he'd leave the room and scream at his mother in what i think must've been israeli for a minute or two, then come back.

"you need dining table?" he'd ask.

"nah, we're good. how much is this fridge?"

"that one? uhhhhh, 600."

it was funny. once we chose one and gave him some money, he wrote me a very official receipt. he even gave us a one month guarantee.

bike dreams

if i had three wishes after watching this video, they would be:
1. i wish i lived in edinburgh.
2. i wish i had a bike.
3. i wish i could do this.

what it's like to be illiterate

i found this on my windshield today. i can't decide if the $7.99 or the $9.99 wash better suits my needs.

i'm doomed

i forget sometimes. then i remember and it's a real bummer.

wikipedia

i love wikipedia, but i'm getting a little tired of jimmy wales hounding me for money. i don't HAVE any MONEY, jimmy wales! if i did, i'd buy a real encyclopedia*.

*not true

but if i ever get a job that pays a living wage, i promise i'll throw a few bucks your way.

roommates

my roommates have been out of town for a few days, which has been nice because i've been able to walk around the apartment in my underpants. i could probably still walk around the apartment in my underpants after they get back here. maybe they wouldn't mind. i'm not sure. but you better believe it's coming up at the next roommate meeting.

hebrew nationals

my friend patrick has a hebrew national shirt. i am jealous of him for it. hebrew nationals are hot dogs. as far as i know, they are the tastiest hot dogs on the market. AND they're kosher. which is important to some people.

i want a cool shirt like this. but only if it fits right. my friend adam (author of the now defunct blog Wikibloogia) and i have spoken at length about how, as we've grown older and matured, we've continued to dress almost exclusively in t-shirts, but nowadays the fit and feel of the t-shirt are far more important than the picture or message the t-shirt bears.

Robot George

this is a nice little news piece that was sent to me by adam, former author of the now defunct blog Wikibloogia, which i was a fan of.

anyway, this old scientist pulled his out-of-date robot pal out of an old garage and dusted him off and fixed his wires and now they're buddies again. it seems like the premise of a Pixar film. i'll get to work on the script first thing tomorrow.

four loko

you guys, beware of this stuff. they are outlawing it in some parts of the country, and rightly so, i might add. it turned my friend brian into a humming bird. and it turned me into an italian.

highway signs are weird

when i see signs like this, i can't help but imagine a bunch of nerds crowded around a desk bickering about what needs to go on the sign.
brandon: just put "cash keep right."
josh: draw a picture in the middle of what it will look like so they know what to expect.
nathan: what about people who can't read english?
josh: that's why it's a drawing!
nathan: no, i mean the cash keep right part.
josh: well, just put it on the right side with a dollar sign.
brandon: no! cuz dollar sign just means money but we only take CASH.
nathan: fine, we'll put a dollar sign AND the word cash.
josh: that doesn't make sense!
brandon: yeah, people will read it as "cash dollars." they'll think we messed up.
nathan: no one will think that. dammit, back up, josh. you're breathing on my neck.
josh: well, i wanna see.
brandon: oh nice one! you almost knocked my nalgene over! if the cap wasn't on, that could've spilled all over the keyboard. then you'd be so dead!
josh: yeah right! i barely touched it!
nathan: everybody out of my office! right now!
brandon: it's our office too.
josh: yeah nathan, it's our office too.

the way i see it

there are two types of people in this world: those who say "bert and ernie" and those who say "ernie and bert."

handerpants

here's a cool thing that i didn't invent:

my friend nicole gave them to me. one of the recommended uses is "nightblogging," and that is exactly what i use them for.

not a canary vulture

so, not too long ago, i posted a picture of a strange animal that i saw at the zoo. i couldn't remember the name of it, so i asked you guys. my friend justin guessed that it was a Canary Vulture. i wanted to do some "fact-checking" before i shared the results with you guys, so i asked wikipedia what a canary vulture was. all wikipedia had to say was "did you mean cannabis culture?"

of COURSE that's not what i meant, wikipedia. for crying out loud. that would be a funny mistake to make though. like, if a politician was giving a speech about the War on Drugs and he kept referencing canary vultures and confusing the hell out of everyone. then at the end, during the Q&A, obviously someone would have to ask what he meant about all that canary vulture talk and he would say, "what? oh! i'm sorry, did i say canary vulture? i meant cannabis culture." they'd have him carted away. everyone would assume that he'd researched the subject matter a little too heavily.
anyway, emily figured out what the animal is. it's a cassowary. it's from new guinnea.

crazyland

this is a weird photo i took at the zoo.

armistice day

today is veteran's day, which is a day when we honor all of our veterans. it used to be called armistice day, which was the day WWI ended. so it honored that. i remember learning that from reading breakfast of champions which is by kurt vonnegut, who is a veteran and whose birthday is november 11. i read that book all in one day. i had never, and have never since, been able to read a whole book in one day. anyway, i'm reading that book again. starting today. if it goes well, i might read this book every year on veterans day.

but i probably won't. happy armistice/veterans/birthday.

not an optical illusion

if you look at this picture the right way, it looks like some kind of cool digital effect or an optical illusion. but the truth is: it's just the stupidest mirror in the world.

retarted

i found these party poppers with flame retarted stpeamers in chinatown.

daylight savings time

today is a daylight savings time day. is that what they're called? anyway, today human beings, in some places, all agree to put their clocks back one hour so they can convince themselves to get out of bed on time. then, later on in the spring, they all agree to put the clocks ahead one hour so that it's back to normal. because if they forgot to put it back each year, then each year sunrise and sunset would seem to come earlier and earlier. it would get pretty confusing after a few years.

when i was growing up, the people in the place i lived decided they didn't want to mess with their clocks twice a year. so it was easy for us. but it got confusing because half the year, tv shows would start at 7pm and then the other half of the year, they'd start at 8.

i missed some shows because of that, let me tell you.

election day

you know all those commercials you've been seeing lately, where some weirdo is listing reasons why some other weirdo is lousy at his/her job? well today is election day. it's the day where you go to some place where you'll see mostly old people and crazies. when you get there, you wait around and check in and then you tell a robot whose commercials you liked better. then tonight, everybody watches the news and tomorrow everybody chit-chats and complains about whose commercials more people liked best. then nothing really happens for a couple years and then we do it again.