schoolpants: March 2011

Thursday, March 31, 2011

schoolpants 3D

if you have 3D glasses, put them on right now and look at this!

fancy

everybody's idea of what's fancy is a little different.

yesterday, emily and i went to Six Flags Magic Mountain. it was pretty great. all of the employees told us to "have a six flags day" and we complied. when we paid something like $31 for our lunch of cheeseburger, chicken strips, fries, and coca-cola, even the surly woman behind the counter of the hamburger stand muttered, "have a six flags day," and she handed us our food and walked away.

the other really funny thing about six flags is they try to make their roller-coasters all have back stories. like there's one called the apocalypse. there are a lot of burnt out jeeps and old transistor radios. and they play these videos on flat-screen monitors that explain that the world is ending or something. apparently, when the world ends, all cars except military jeeps are destroyed and the only technology that survives is old rotary phones, transistor radios, and flat-screen televisions that explain the premise of the ride. and the thing that you have to do at the end of the world is go on this ride, i guess.

there's also a batman ride. that one doesn't get much of a back story. but there is a batmobile there. and it's next to an old cop car that has a barrel of ooze on its hood. so i guess the back story is that some bad guys threw some ooze at some cops? and batman needs you to go on a roller-coaster? so he can catch the bad guys? i don't know. but it was fun.

holy!

this is the funniest comic strip i have ever read and i am proud to say that it was written by my nephew.

the truth about cats

cats are lazy.

hobo socks

my nephew wears hobo socks. and i don't blame him. they suit him well.

swimming trunks

i always feel a little self-conscious in swimming trunks. i think that's normal.

something of a success

MOM! this video has bad words in it. you've been warned.

i already showed you guys this video that i worked on, but now it's got over 150,000 hits on youtube. that seems crazy to me. that makes this more popular than any other video that i have been a part of, by roughly 148,000 hits.

moss

these are drawings of a character called Moss from a show called The IT Crowd. the one above, in my opinion, looks like a young tom hanks disguised as moss. the one below looks like an alien frog baby made from moss and randy newman DNA.

bathroom surprise

i went out to eat the other night and met the friendliest bathroom attendant. at first he startled me because i thought maybe i was walking in on someone who forgot to look the door. but no. he was supposed to be there. he offered me mints and i offered him a dollar tip. he declined the tip. i asked if i could take a picture with him. he told me that would cost me a dollar. i paid and told him to smile. he told me that would be an extra dollar. i frowned and took the picture.

selling mattresses

i don't know much about advertising or marketing, but i do know that one huge selling point for a mattress is: this particular model is perfect for pretending to surf on if you want to look like a geek.

thumb placement

you probably don't think about it much, but you should really be grateful that your thumbs ended up where they are.

they don't make them like they used to

it's a matter of personal opinion, but i strongly feel that fire trucks, much like school buses and war planes, looked a lot cooler in the olden days than they do now.

call me crazy.

who you callin' crazy?

empty battery

i don't know why but i think it's really funny to think of a battery as being "empty." it's either charged or dead (not charged), or something? right?

like, gas tanks can get empty. fish bowls can get empty. but batteries just have invisible stuff. they still weigh the same after they're all used up, right? i don't know. but it made me laugh. call me crazy.

who you callin' crazy?

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

boatman

if bats are gross and boats are awesome, explain to me this: why does everybody love the crap outta batman but everybody thinks MY superhero, boatman, is crummy?

weird hair mornings

recently, i've been waking up with increasingly weird hair each morning.

weird neighbors

my brother's neighbors are weird. they only travel by golf cart, gigantic RV, or dune-buggy-parasail.

not at all

this is not what john goodman looks like.

the biggest whiskey bottle

this is the biggest bottle of whiskey i have ever seen. my little brother and i found it in my grandparents' basement. i put a quarter in front of the box to give you guys a sense of how big it is. also, i don't know if you can see the price tag but it says $25.00. i don't know if you guys are very savvy when it comes to whiskey prices, but that's a pretty good price for a gallon of fine scotch whiskey.

so if you get the opportunity, i advise you go back in time and by a few gallons of this stuff at this price. just be sure to use old money. if you show up with the new $20 bill and a new $5 bill, the ones where the president's heads are way bigger and the colors are a little different, you're definitely gonna get busted. then you'll get sent to time jail. and guess what spanky: no whiskey in time jail!

zombie bear

some people have all the luck.

familiar face

this guy looks like somebody but i don't know who. who is this guy?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

sharps

i saw one of these things for the first time ever yesterday. and i have already seen two more since then. when did this become a thing?

up until yesterday, i'd just been flushing my dirty syringes.

factory staring contest

this factory building has been staring at me since late last night. i'm four hours late for work. but i can't look away.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Mar 10

Today is March tenth. Today's date, slightly abbreviated, looks like this: MAR10 and MAR10 looks like MARIO and MARIO looks like this:

and if you don't know, now you know.

(bad word) tea

here's a video i worked on for UCBcomedy.com. it has bad words, so if you are my mom, you maybe don't want to watch it. but if you like bad words and tea and yelling, please watch. it is funny, i think.

Fuckin Tea	UCBcomedy.com

Watch more comedy videos from the twisted minds of the UCB Theatre at UCBcomedy.com

spines

i've always felt like something was missing. now i know. it's my spines.

lies about coffee

also, no matter how much coffee you drink, you won't feel like a crazy person or get really bad heartburn.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

A+ hard boiled eggs

you guys, hard boiled eggs are easy to screw up, but this batch i did perfectly. i mean, really just knocked it out of the park. home run, hard boiled eggs, ladies and gentlemen.