the zoo is for cool dudes

i'm a cool dude.

i want this

i'm not exactly sure why ...

this picture makes me soooo uncomfortable. i don't know these kids. i don't know their parents. i don't know the photographer. and i don't know the story behind the picture. i just feel like something is wrong.

weird hair

i think everyone should have weird hair sometime if not many times.

concerning great danes

i found this notepad. i had written this a really long time ago. i wrote this election night back in 2008. i was watching the election coverage with my friend/roommate adam at our neighbor's house. our neighbor had a great dane and i could barely focus on the election coverage because this dog was so freakishly big. that night, i woke up in the middle of the night and wrote down all my concerns. in case you can't read my handwriting, my concerns were:

• how terrifying it must be for children around a dog that size
• how do you discipline a dog of that size as it grows up?
• how large are great danes at birth?
• how do they play? - do they? - if no, can they love?

kienan america

i've already written about kienan's bachelor party a few times, but kind of a lot happened. plus, i just found this picture on my phone that i must've taken when we were at a bar and kienan jumped up on stage and started dancing and high fiving everyone. actually, i think the band asked him up on stage. actually, i don't remember. but i do remember that it was hilarious and everyone liked it. he wasn't being a drunk douchebag or anything. the guys in the band we're even asking people if they had video of him dancing because they thought it was hilarious.

that's the difference between kienan and most people. i feel like if i jumped on stage with a band and danced around, it would not go over well. someone would make fun of me and then i would make fun of them and then i'd get punched in the face and no one would be having fun. and i feel like that situation would turn out equally bad for most people. but kienan for whatever reason has special rules in his world. he lives in a place called kienan america. where nothing really matters and everything's all in good fun.

child's play

This Job is Child's Play	UCBcomedy.com
Watch more comedy videos from the twisted minds of the UCB Theatre at UCBcomedy.com

this is a video i worked on for this UCB sketch team A Kiss From Daddy. i just held the boom, so i can't take much credit for it (other than the terrific audio). but it's funny. and A Kiss From Daddy is hilarious. they have a monthly sketch show with my other favorite sketch team The Birthday Boys. also, they made one of my favorite videos ever on ucbcomedy.com the piss drinking prank.

oh yeah, i should also tell you this video is NOT SAFE FOR WORK. but if you have the type of job where you can watch videos at work, they're probably not keeping too close an eye on you, right?

just try it

i was recently at a diner that had mello yello on tap. they also had a little advertisement on every table that demanded that customers try it. so i obliged. i informed the waiter that i wanted to try smooth. he didn't get my joke but he saw that i was holding the advertisement, so he knew what i was talking about.

after a subtle hesitation, he said, "it's pretty sweet. i'll just give you some to try." i watched him go to the soda fountain and i could tell he didn't really know what to do. i think i confused him by saying that i wanted to "try" smooth. so he just filled the cup about 3/4 full and gave it to me. i don't think he charged us for it. i wouldn't know because i didn't pay the bill. i didn't even attempt to pay the bill. didn't even look at it. i just let my sister-in-law pay for it. because i knew my neice and nephews weren't paying, so why should i? that's what kind of scumbag i am. i just let my adult siblings take care of me because i still assume the role of the child. anywho, the mello yello was okay. it tasted like someone extracted the least exciting qualities of mountain dew and the least exciting qualities of sprite and combined the two. which made for a drink that was both mellow in taste and yellow in color. 2.5 stars.

poop commas

the thing that confuses me most about this craigslist ad is the commas. everything else makes sense. just why so many commas?

churchill's dentures

it's about time. for crying out loud. they've just been collecting dust since ol' churchy kicked the bucket. i'll rest easier knowing his chompers are now property of an eccentric millionaire who uses them to bite prostitutes.

gmail ads

if gmail knew anything about me, it'd know that i only took japanese for one semester and that was five years ago and i took it pass/fail. c'mon! it's like you're not even TRYING to snoop through all my emails and market to me personally based on all of my private information. get it together!

drunken sailors

drunken sailors are always doing nice things for one another.

3D one-line drawings

my friend cory is awesome. i went to his house a couple of days ago and he had this cool wire thing he made. it's a picture of him walking his dog. it's like a one line drawing but made of WIRE! and then we took his dog for a walk and it looked JUST LIKE the wire thing he made! and then we got italian ice but we couldn't take the dog in there because it's against the health code so i went in while cory and the dog waited outside. and then i screwed up cory's order and got him strawberry and lime instead of strawberry and lemon. WHAT A DOOFUS! i said as i slapped my forehead.

but then his dog kept eating mulch and rocks and pieces of tape and whatever she could find on the sidewalk. so then, i was like "who's the doofus now?" and i gave cory a hint by sort of winking and nodding in the dog's direction. i guess it wasn't a clear enough hint because cory didn't even take a guess. he just sort of sighed and said it was getting pretty late and maybe i should think about leaving.

symbols: ampersand and at

who picked these symbols? if it were up to me, a lightning bolt would mean something. i guess it already does. but why don't we have a lightning bolt key on the keyboard so that i can type lightning bolts before and after my name on my resume instead of having to draw it on each one individually? it's bullcrap, if you ask me.

secret agency

i'm pretty sure my friend kienan might be a secret guy working for the government's secret agency. i snapped this photo of him last weekend as he was fleeing what appears to be the scene of a crime. notice the car hanging off the bridge in the background. also notice his mustache is way better than mine.

anyway, the government's secret agency is an organization that finds out and keeps secrets. if you've ever seen any of those James Spond movies, it's kind of like that. but REAL LIFE! and american.

work doodles

when i have to work super early in the morning, my lunch break is at 7am. sometimes i'm not ready for lunch at 7am. so i just sit. i sit and wait for it to be time to go back to work. but not today. today i doodled. and i've gotta tell you, guys: when you have the choice between sitting and doodling, just doodle. you can sit and doodle at the same time even, if you're into multi-tasking. i'm into multi-vitamins but i never remember to take them! you guys know what i'm talking about.

tiger seems happier

another good thing about patrick and andrea living here is that our tiger seems happier.

mouse pad? more like ... impossible to draw with thing

my friends patrick and andrea live with me now. that's fun. one fun thing about it is they brought a super nintendo with Mario Paint. i remember Mario Paint very well because it was my first encounter with a mouse & mouse pad. i was excited because i found computers interesting and the mouse & mouse pad seemed the way of the future. however, i quickly became frustrated with the equipment. "stupid," "bullcrap," and "piece of junk," were a few of my initial reviews of the new technology.

now i'm an old pro with the mouse & mouse pad. it just goes to show you: kids are dumb, whiny little jerks who don't know anything.

doodles: david spade, 2 faced man, p. rule

i've been doodling a lot lately. the other night i drew a fantastic nude super mario. it grossed everyone out, so i won't post it here. too much hair and too many tears i guess. but that's how i see nude mario. anyway, here's some others:

the picture at the bottom is a drawing of a drawing of my friend patrick rule. the photo below shows the original drawing that was done by arthur fiedler for the savannah museum of fancy arts.

this mustache is growing on me ... FIGURATIVELY!

we all had mustaches for my friend kienan's bachelor party this weekend. mine was one of the creepiest of the bunch  on account of it's sort of light brown and not very thick and kind of sticks straight out. anyway, all the other guys were talking about how they couldn't wait to get home and shave them off. i decided to keep mine around and let the rest of my face catch up with it. this way, my beard will respect my mustache. because it has more experience on my face.

post parachuting post

well, i'm back from my first skydive and, so far as i can tell, i didn't die. it was fun and it is something i want to do more often. what was really cool is that we got to do it right in downtown chicago.

just kidding. but in front of our hotel, while we were waiting for a valet guy to get our car, these dudes jumped out of helicopter and landed in front of our building. they were doing it on camera for the new Transforming Robots movie. which is a movie about transforming robot aliens that can be cars and help boys make out with babes or something? i don't know. they're nerd movies. i'm no nerd, so i don't know anything about that.

Rule #1

kienan's bachelor party

this weekend is the weekend of my friend kienan's bachelor party. we are all skydiving with mustaches. in a parallel universe, my parachute will not open and i will die and this will be the last blog post i ever write. and my friends in that universe will be sad and this blog post will be sad to read. but in another universe i will not die and this will not be my last blog post. but for those of you in one of the parallel universes where i die in a tragic skydiving accident, let these be the last words i ever blog: "the mind is like a parachute. it works best when it's open. somebody should've told that to the stupid jerk who packed MY parachute. so long, suckers!"

that face

my mom's aunt posted an old picture of me and my siblings on facebook. it made me realize that i still make the same faces i made 20 years ago. i call this one my "waiting for my sister to hurry up and graduate from college already" face.

messing with facebook

my friend patrick recently pointed out to me that you can delete facebook ads and when you do, they ask you why and if you choose "other" you can write whatever you want and these marketing nerds have to read it. it has been great fun for me.

pumpkin goop

the other day, i bought a cantaloupe for the first time ever. why didn't anybody ever tell me these things have pumpkin goop inside? gross!

imported snacks!

in my new neighborhood, there are all these stores that sell products from some other country (mexico?) and so i've been trying out new things. this box of beer had the phrase "crisp, cool & fresh" which is very similar to another beer i used to drink a lot in college. it was called Schlitz Light and it's slogan was "crisp, cool & refreshing" and i would buy it at CVS for $8.99 for a 24 pack and sometimes it was on sale for $7.99 for a 24 pack. it was fantastic.

ginger aleplane

my favorite thing to drink on airplane rides is ginger ale. it's tasty. it's caffeine free. and unlike normal ale, it's typically free on airplane rides.

my favorite thing to drink on bike rides is water. and my favorite thing to drink on helicopter rides is yeah right like i get to ride around in helicopters get real.

more halloween ideas

if you want more mobility in your schoolpants halloween attire, try the schoolpants mask that i invented. it doesn't make as much sense, but it's better than going as a slutty witch for the fourth year in a row.

almost halloween

your arms might get tired, but you'll be the hit of the party.

indianapolis jerseys

did you know that indianapolis used to have a minor league hockey team called the Cheeto's? well, they didn't. but they had a team called the Checkers. i didn't know that before today.

i would like an indianopois checkers jersey. or an old pacers jersey. funny logos, indianapolis.