self-image

i'm beginning to think that there's some truth to this. so i've replaced all my mirrors with pictures of tigers.

goodbye workshoes, hello schoolpants

since i've quit, i've had the bittersweet opportunity to retire my workshoes. they served me very well. they were very comfy and cushiony the first 10 months or so. the last 20 months, they sort of hurt. but all the same, i will miss them. we went through a lot together. i was on my feet almost constantly and spilling hot water, coffee, milk, and various syrups and sauces on them all too frequently. the mere fact that they still even resemble footwear is a real testament to the saucony brand.

quit my job

 i quit my job, you guys. that was a pretty big stinkin' deal to me, i'll have you know. it was kind of sad and mostly anticlimactic. i remember when i was in 2nd grade, some kid was sick and missed a couple of days of school. when he got back, he didn't know any of the stuff he missed and he was really whiney about it and i remember my teacher, Mrs. Murphy, saying "the world doesn't stop when you're not here." it's a pretty heavy thing to lay on a 2nd grader. but she was right i guess. and that memory kept coming back to me my last day of work. i wanted it to feel like a big chapter of my life was over and i was moving on. but it mostly felt like any other day.

there was a pretty awesome moment at the end of my shift, though. i clocked out, threw my apron on the ground, raised both hands and said, "i'm out." my coworkers stopped what they were doing and applauded me, which was funny. but what was even funnier was a bunch of customers joined in clapping. and i'm 99% sure they had no idea why there were clapping.

then i went in the back and spent like a half hour cleaning out my locker. there was a lot of junk in that old hunk of crap. my friend sean and i would always cut stuff out of magazines and put it on each other's lockers. i left one clipping in there for the next occupant.

 it says, "my dog found my cancer." i left it in there because, what a great trick!

ricky p. nutt

did you guys know there's a store called las vegas fruits & nuts?

neither did anyone else.

doo doo brown

i really like this Beck song (explicit lyrics)

robot sam

who needs wikipedia when you have Robot Sam?

scissors and lightbulbs

i didn't figure out until recently that you could make shapes like this in photoshop. also, why would anyone want to?

jordan

do you think michael jordan has ever visited the country jordan? if my last name was jordan, and i had a bajillion dollars, i would definitely go to jordan. plus i bet people give you stuff for free because they think your dad or your grandpa owns the place or something.

administrative professionals day 2011

Every year around April 27th, we get literally dozens of dozens of emails demanding we devote an entire post to our beloved secretary Ruth, to show her how much we appreciate her. Every year, we do write a post just for her ... but not this year. Over the last several months, Ruth was having to miss full weeks of work due to "minor operations" nearly every other week. As it turns out, Ruth has a pretty serious gambling problem. She's lost over $10,000 at the horse tracks. So, after a lot of soul searching, we decided to let her go. It wasn't an easy decision and none of us here at Schoolpants Headquarters (SPHQ) were happy with what we had to do.

But we were happy to hear that just yesterday, Ruth vowed to never visit the horse tracks again. She won almost a quarter million dollars at the dog track last week!

Happy Administrative Professionals day, Ruth! May you have continued success at the dog tracks!

In other news, I'd like everyone to meet Brandon, Brandon, and Troy, our new Administrative Team. They'll be replacing Ruth and handling all of our administrative needs! Welcome aboard, guys!

the future of schoolpants

by the year 2000, schoolpants (the blog) will probably look pretty diffrerent.

gloria estefan and the miami sounds machines

cats sleep weird.

deadly hippos

somewhere i read that hippos kill more humans that lions, tigers and elephants combined ... kill humans. i read it somewhere.

not again homer

i think homer's on drugs again.

scrabble with chicks

have you guys ever played scrabble with chicks? it's great! it's just like normal scrabble but, in addition to letters, you also put little tiny chicks on the board. the game ends when all the letters have been used! each chick is worth zero points! have fun!

Luke's Birthday Space Robot Video

today is my nephew, Luke's, birthday. he is turning 6. the last time i was home, he pitched me some ideas for videos. so, for his birthday, i figured i would make him one.

both kinds of candy

i went to a new grocery store the other day and it was very fancy. they even had one aisle that contained BOTH kinds of candy. i'm referring of course to 1) Candy; and 2)Kids Candy.

Finally, i don't have to go one place to buy candy and then drive all the way across town to get some kids candy!

schoolpants pantchair

this is the official schoolpants pant chair. every schoolpants needs one.

a video from Robot

my robot gave me this. i have no idea what it means. i promised him i'd put it up here. so here it is.

Rob Braub: The Lost Episode

hey, you guys remember rob braub? me neither. but i found an old video today and rather than letting it just continue to gather dust in my computer, i figured i'd let it continue to gather dust on the internet.

panama coin!

as you guys may or may not know, i like cool coins. i got this one at work the other day. it is very cool and tiny. it's from panama i guess. and it got born the same year i did.

no! bad afternoont!

i think tyler perry is trying to kill me.

i don't know why he's doing it but, clearly, he is trying to convince me that i am some sort of outerspace alien that doesn't understand anything that is happening on this planet. i think his ultimate plan is that i accidentally blow my brains out while trying to establish contact with my home galaxy.

how to find ants

having trouble finding ants for your ant collection? here's what i suggest:

1. leave a tiny jar of marmalade sitting out
2. that's it. that's all you have to do.

what's that? you don't have a tiny jar of marmalade? well, i guess you're not a tiny french hooker.*

*it is my understanding that marmalade comes from french hookers (source: a song called "itchy itchy maya gaga" or something). furthermore, it is my understanding that the size of the jar corresponds with the size of the hooker (source: instinct).

pizza express cup

someone broke my pizza express cup. and someone will PAY!

plumb root

granted i know little to nothing about plumbing and/or rootering, but their connection to any sort of organized religion seems odd. if this was a carpentry company, i'd get it. sort of.

that mannequin looks familiar

i don't know what to make of this.

my best friend, my butler, my circus

it's finally up! episode 4 of My Best Friend, My Butler. check it out! tell your friends!

you gotta cut king alfred a paycheck

the other day i awoke from a nap with this phrase stuck in my head: "you gotta cut king alfred a paycheck."

is that from something? what does it mean? am i supposed to pay king alfred for something? who is he?

arugula

up until just a few months ago, i always thought arugula was some kind of cheese.

anger pantagement

this is how i feel sometimes. like when my stinkin internet keeps cutting out making it stinkin impossible to upload the new episode of my best friend my butler. and when my stinkin dentist charges me all my stinkin money for stinkin nothing! stink!

roommates, weird roommates

this is the situation that i walked into when i came down from my room the other day. this is very typical in my household.