images

no more hats

i used to wear a hat almost all the time. just a couple years ago. i'd have a hat with me or on my head almost any time i left the house. nowadays, even the idea of wearing a hat makes me feel embarrassed. it's funny how it switches like that.

state names

i grew up in a place called "indiana" which means "land of the indians." it was called that because when they decided to make it a place with a name, tons of indians lived there. now i live in a place called "california," which i guess means "hot as an oven." i assume they called it that because when they decided it was a place that should have a name, it was hot as an oven.

i think indiana is a cooler name for a place but california was a better thought out name because nowadays, california is still pretty hot but there aren't very many indians left in indiana.

following instructions

i do as i'm told.

FIVE lions

i had a dream the other night about a guy who beat up five lions at once with his bare hands. it was awesome. it was so real, i couldn't remember if it was a dream or something i really witnessed. so i googled "guy fights five lions" and google was all like "you mean 'guy fights four lions?'"


why would i give a crap about a guy who only fought four lions?

confession

i don't really know what peanut brittle is. so i decided to google it and instead of reading about it, i just looked at a picture of it and decided it is fake barf.

alt rock fast food volume 5

my friend jon mackey makes these funny videos and he put me in one of them. ch-ch-check it out!

cancer guilt

Sometimes I think about all the people who have cancer and I feel really guilty because they have it and I don't. But then I remember that maybe I do have cancer and I just don't know it yet. Then I get sad because Why me?

get it?

it's funny because my reading glasses are on OVER the sleeping mask.

...is that what that thing is called? a sleeping mask? that doesn't seem right.

adventure time

apparently, my girlfriend is very good at finding cool things on the internet that you can fold up to make cool things in real life. she just sent me this adventure time cut out that she found. i can't remember if i've talked to you guys about adventure time yet. but it is awesome. it's maybe the coolest show ever.

was that a duck?

i hear a lot of noises out of my window: women crying, children playing and cursing until 1am, stray cats mating/killing each other, a douchebag talking about his script, korean pop music, helicopters, dogs, and sirens. but just a moment ago, i heard what i can only imagine was a duck being squeezed by a fat man.

robot arms!

also because it was my birthday yesterday, my girlfriend gave me the coolest present ever: robot arms!

birthday party!

yesterday was my birthday so i went bowling with my friends. it was awesome. photo courtesy of george cortez.

tom selleck

he's an xbox and i'm more atari

this song is amazingly awesome. it's not safe for work if you work at a place that doesn't appreciate adult language and groovy music.

5 sundays, mondays, tuesdays

my friend brian pointed out to me that this month has five sundays, five mondays, and five tuesdays. he claims that this phenomenon only occurs once every 823 years. unfortunately, i have no idea if that's true or not because brian makes stuff up all the time. he's really good at it.

something's wrong with the dishwasher

i don't know what to do.

DEBATE: Old People vs Robots

One reason that robots are not as good as humans is that robots have no muscles so that means that each time they use their joints and gears and motors, the joints and gears and motors are a little less good at what they do than they were the last time they used those things.

However, humans aren't always like that most of the time.

~Ronald, age 81

breathalyze your kids

draring

draring is fun! with a group ... or even by yourself!

making words weird

if you say a word enough times in a short time period of time, you can make it seem so weird that you convince yourself you're crazy and that the word could never actually be a real word. like the word "word." if you say the word "word" something like 29 times in a span of something like 3 minutes, you will convince yourself that word is not, in fact, a word and you have lost your mind for even considering the fact that the word "word" is in fact a word that means anything at all.

other words take more than 29 times in 3 minutes. others take less. i just discovered that the word "equals" only takes about 5 uses within 1 minute to become not-a-word. just try it. equals. equals. equals. equals. and there you have it. equals now means nothing. it's just a weird combination of sounds that you are crazy for saying. "enough" is another good one. and "stupid." and "bored."

more music lessons from me

i'm at it again, showing the world how to make sweet sweet melodies. watch my stupid thing and it will maybe show you how to play a stupid song!

i look like people

i get accused of looking like people a lot. the latest accusation comes from my brother matt. he sent me this text saying "you can't tell from this picture, but this dude looks just like you." he was right that i couldn't tell from the picture. all i can tell from that picture is that some people in street clothes are playing baseball someplace where instead of a crowd in the bleachers, they have a graveyard.

my friend greg accused me of looking like this guy from some awful sitcom:

and my friend kraig always makes fun of me for looking like this guy:

prilosec OTC

patrick and i have a hard time keeping up with all the new slang these kids are using. but we do our best to stay current.

poison bowl brush

i feel like it doesn't matter that my new toilet bowl brush from the 99cent store contains lead. but ... if it didn't matter, why would the state force the toilet bowl people to tell me? now i'm scared to use the toilet.

"blackboard" by the beetles

if you guys know me, you know i'm a big beetlemaniac. it's my humble opinion jon lemmon and pal mccarthy are among the finest songsmen of our generation. their 1979 hit "blackboard" is among my favorites. when i worked out the tablature on the banjo, i just had to share it with the rest of the world.

fud

yesterday, my friend patrick and i had a hankering for some grilled hot dogs. we scoured our neighborhood convenience marts for some reputable franks. we tried three different places and found zero brand names that we had ever heard of before ever in our lives. we thought the third place would be the charm, and in a way it was. they only had one brand and it was the weirdest of all the brands we had seen. it's called fud. they carry hot dogs, bacon, and processed cheese slices. they have all three food groups covered!

i tried to learn about the fud brand on the internet but all i found out is that fud is a lame businessman acronym and also a very crude slang term?

dcm 12

so right after the kienemily wedding, i went to new york. remember last year when i went to new york for a big improv festival called the del close marathon? no? that's okay. anyway, i did it again. my improv team fat magic bear had a pretty good show. that was fun. and my brother and his wife came to see it. which was scary. but fun. and we got to hang out after. which was terrifying. just kidding. it was fun. anyway, it was probably the greatest weekend of my life, but the highlight of the trip for me was watching queen latifah's lastest hit film "mr wright" on the flight home.

kienemily's wedding

so last week, i went home to witness my "friends" kienan and whats-her-face get married. and while i have taken a firm stance against these two jerks being together from the very beginning, i will say it was a very nice ceremony. memily, the bride, showed up rip roaring drunk about 20 minutes late demanding that we "get this show on the road." the priest tried to lighten the mood by making a joke about arriving fashionably late. memily, thinking that the priest was trying to steal her thunder, demanded that everyone stop laughing. "that's not funny!" she barked, "you want a really funny joke, i'll tell you one. IT'S MY SPECIAL DAY!" she proceeded to tell an obscenely inappropriate story involving a prostitute, a gorilla, and half a dozen bananas.

when it came time for kienan to read his vows, she stopped him short by repeatedly "coughing" the word "fag" and then saying, "blah blah blah, where's my ring?" then, when it was time for memily to say her vows, she just grabbed the priest's microphone and sang the fresh prince theme song. then she belched loudly and yelled, "when's the reception?" as she stumbled down the aisle and out the church.

the reception went much more smoothly. after she barfed on the cake and fell asleep in the men's restroom, everyone was able to relax a little and have a good time. it was lovely.

mr. basketball

Mr. Basketball	UCBcomedy.com
Watch more comedy videos from the twisted minds of the UCB Theatre at UCBcomedy.com

another video up on ucbcomedy.com! this one wasn't for any particular sketch team or show. it was just written by a funny guy named sean clements. it was fun to shoot. and i've never told anyone this until right now but the day we were shooting, i was talking to the kid's mom after we finished his part of the shoot and i suddenly got super dizzy and almost fell down. like, i thought i was going to faint, which i've never done before. it was such a weird feeling. i didn't want to freak anyone out so i never mentioned it. but for the whole rest of the day, i was really paranoid that i would just pass out and barf or something and it would ruin the shoot.

buuuuuut, i didn't! hooray! all's well that ends well. hope you enjoy the video.

bitter okapis

i bet there are a bunch of okapis out there that get so pissed that nobody calls giraffes "the okapi of the savanna."