KofC

is his face trying to leave his head? i don't know.

tiny plane

oh no! that tiny plane is going to crash into that giant palm tree!

i'm just messing with you. it's a normal sized plane and a normal sized palm tree. the trick is: they're actually pretty far apart. this is an optical illusion called prospective.

i'm just messing with you. it's called respective.

i'm just messing with you.

it's actually a giant palm tree.

the birds and the bees

i found this dead bee outside today. i read this thing a couple years ago about how all the bees are dying. it's bad news, i guess, because we need bees. they make honey and help flowers stay alive. or something.

the interesting thing about bees is that bees are genetically programmed to really want to do it with flowers. so they see a pretty flower and they're like, "ha-chi ma-chi!" and they go and do it with the flower. and they get pollen all over them. then they're like, "i'm not really looking for a relationship right now" and they leave the flower and go and do it with another flower. and so the pollen from the first flower gets on the next flower. and it gets that flower pregnant or something. and so that's how flowers keep popping up. it's because bees are sluts and they love doing it with flowers. nature is smart that way.

and so, i guess, bees don't do it with each other? or something? and that's why it's bad that all the bees are dying? because they don't make baby bees?

lunar eclipse

Did you guys see that lunar eclipse the other night?!

i didn't.

but i can imagine.

super crappy fun week

so, this week was designed to drive me insane. i work every morning this week from 4:15am to 1:15pm and i have things to do after work until late at night each night this week. important things. things important to me anyway. so over the weekend, i decided to attack this week as if it were the greatest possible scenario. a fun-filled, sleep-deprived week. oh the places we'll go. i wonder what my brain will be doing by the evening of day five. time will tell.

so i made a short list of reminders for survival:

• Drink lots of water
• Eat those vitamins!
• Sleep when you can!
• Don't get sad!

so far i've been drinking lots of water and eating those vitamins but the vitamins make me feel sick and make my pee glow-in-the-dark yellow. my friend jon told me that meant i didn't have enough water in my body. the vitamins are concentrated and need water to break down. and when they don't break down, they come out in pee. what a waste! so i drank a crazy amount of water. this resulted in VERY frequent trips to the bathroom and gallons and gallons of neon pee. and, for the sake of my own dignity, i won't even tell you what it did to my bowel movements (hint: rhymes with driarrhea).

and i haven't been able to sleep at all. AT ALL. and i need to add "don't get angry" to the list because that's what's happening. and this is only day TWO of five. holy cripes. stay tuned to see me go through the looking glass. my prediction: awesome results. maybe i'll have like a vision quest by day five.

scrambled or nothing.

i don't know how i keep convincing myself that i might want my eggs fried. i mean sure, it's fun to dunk the toast in the yellow goo, but i've got to be honest with myself: the yellow goo is gross. and whats grosser is the less gooey yellow part at the bottom of the goo. and the white part's nothing to write home about either. from now on, it's scrambled or nothing at all. actually, as long as i'm being honest with myself, i'd like for it to be cheeseburgers or nothing at all. i'm sick of trying to vary my diet just to impress my peers. sure, i love the compliments just like anyone else would. it feels good having strangers approach me on the street, complimenting my awesome diet, people honking and saying, "hey! four different meals a week guy! right on!" when they drive by, kids asking me to sign their frozen burrito wrappers, etc etc.

i told myself a long time ago that as soon as it stopped being fun, i'd quit.

can i have your shirt?

last week at the zoo, i didn't have the guts to ask this guy where he got his shirt. i regret that. i imagine it would've gone down like this:
me: excuse me sir, where did you get that shirt?
rhino enthusiast: what shirt? this one? my rhino shirt?
me: yes sir, the one you're wearing currently.
rhino enthusiast: got it here.
me: here at the bear cage?
rhino enthusiast: no, here at the zoo. in the gift shop.
me: oh i see. can i have it?
rhino enthusiast: mine?
me: that's right.
rhino enthusiast: they have more at the gift shop.
me: cool.
rhino enthusiast: the gift shop's right over there (pointing at gift shop)
me: right.
(we stand there a minute looking at each other)
me: can i just have yours?
rhino enthusiast: no.

chikin guy cameo

my friend jon does a comic strip called chikin guy. it is really good. check it out. he did one recently that i briefly appeared in. it's a fictional piece that's loosely based on something that may or may not have happened a couple of days ago. actually, let's just say it didn't happen. it's completely fictional. but there's a character in this strip named nic and he's loosely based on me.

plan z

this is another video i directed for the Upright Citizen's Brigade. this one was for a sketch team called The Space Program. they are really funny. marcy minton wrote it. she's really funny. and a bunch of really funny people are in it. including my car!

condor puppets

even with all the dead animals we saw at the zoo on sunday, i still think the saddest part of the dead animal zoo was the condor puppet. here's the gist of it: baby condor chicks are really weird and gross looking. and they've got this thing in the brain that makes them think that they are like whatever the first thing that feeds them is like. so if they see a human zookeeper feed them the first time they get fed, they're like "hey i'm like that dude. when i grow up, i want to make babies with something that looks like that dude, because that's what i am." so then, when the condor chick grows up, it always wants to make babies with these zookeeper dudes and the zookeeper dudes are like "gross! get away from me! i don't like you like that!" and that makes the condors feel sad and unwanted. conversely, other condors see our zoo condors and want to make babies with them, our zoo condors are like "gross! get away from me! you're gross!" and they don't make babies. and then condors go extinct.

so to trick the condor babies, these zookeepers make these really gnarly looking condor hand puppets and they feed them with the puppet. so then, the baby condor chick sees it and thinks, "hey, i'm a gross condor puppet like that thing!" then when it grows up it wants to make babies with gnarly condor puppets, but you know, there aren't too many of those. so when the condor sees other REAL condors, she's like "eh, i'll take what i can get." and presto change-o! the zoo condor species lives on through lies and puppetry! this is how zoo-evolution works! survival of the most gullible.

somedays i just don't feel like myself

highbrow

in an effort to gain more of a following, i've hired this kid on to blog for schoolpants. he'll be heading up the "toot" department. his name is Roy. look for plenty of toot-humor coming from his direction soon.

they think they're people

my friend, danny, sent me a video of two otters holding hands. what could be more adorable than that?

answer: an ad showing two dogs in sweaters, one choking/humping the other. kudos, american apparel, for making even pet clothing seem unnecessarily pornographic.

illiterate?

if i can't read, how would the "can't read" hyperlink help me?

longest day of the year

today, the sun was out for a really long time. i'm proud of it. back in december, i made a prediction. i guessed that the sun would really get his shit together and start doing things on time. i had no idea he would take it to this extreme. all day i was like "for crying out loud, sun, this isn't a competition. you're going to burn yourself out." and finally, the sun was like, okay okay, i'll go to bed. and now he's going to slowly get back to normal, waking up a little later, etc etc etc.

i'm okay with it. it's summer time. let the sun relax a little.

the los angeles zoo

i went to the los angeles zoo yesterday. it may not be as prestigious as the san diego zoo, but it's got animals inside, so technically it's a zoo. well, it's not so much a zoo as an animal mortuary. but their collection of dead animals is second to none.

The had dead lions, dead kangaroos, dead apes, dead sea lions, and what i believe were possibly dead turtles.

they're so like us. it's amazing. lazy bastards.

vitamins on an empty tum tum

ugh. i bought a thing of daily mult-vitamins the other day in an effort to feel less horrible all the time. on day two, i already forgot to take the stupid thing. so i took it right before bed, on an empty stomach, which i guess you're not supposed to do. i felt pretty barfy. so i drank some grapefruit juice and ate some toast. problem solved! healthy living!

debit card woes

i woke up this morning, instead of this afternoon, because i got some phone calls from the bank saying there have been some suspicious charges on my debit card. i was ready to fight someone. somebody used my debit card in chicago back in 2005 and that was a huge pain in the you-know-what (neck).

so, i'm ready to box somebody's ears. i'm on the horn with the bank, pacing, screaming "we gotta find this guy and get him!" and the dude on the phone was like, "listen dawg, if we're gonna catch this scumbag, you gotta play it cool. let's get the facts straight. let me run by some of the WEIRD stuff this sicko has been using your card for and you tell me if it was you or him." i punched the wall to calm myself down a bit. i took a deep breath and calmly said, "lay it on me."

"did you buy gas last night in los angeles?" he asked. "sure did," i said, "but it wasn't for me. i needed it for my car."
"hey man, i'm not here to judge you. i'm just trying to figure out what we're up against," he reassured me.
"i dig," i reassured him.
"groovy. next up: rite aid. did you buy two bottles of vitamins, a snickers, and a fathers day card there?"
"uh, well, yeah. i mean, it wasn't a snickers bar it was one of those snickers energy bars, i just wanted to try it to see if it was any good and those vitamins were buy one get one free-"
"relax!" he cut me off.
"well i'm just trying to explain, you know, for your report!"
"that's enough!" he shouted, "final question: did you or did you not go to a circle k in the middle of nowhere on the 16th and buy a bunch of beer and candy and socks?"
"yes."
"okay, no one stole your card. you're just weird."
"sorry."
then he hung up.
i couldn't get back to sleep after that.

behind the sheens (starring martin and charlie sheen)

clothes again, marty from school pants on Vimeo.

this is a thing i'm editing right now. it is a pain. i hope i can make it fun to watch. here is some raw footage that i find fun to watch. we got this boom operator on craigslist. he doesn't speak a word of english and he was constantly stepping in front of the camera and grinning like an idiot. it's gonna take some real movie magic to edit this into something that makes sense.

negligible

you know what's a crazy word? "negligible." it's like a bunch of letters got in a pile-up. like the words "negative" and "legible" crashed into each other and got all tangled up. or maybe it was the words "nay," "ledger," and "bagel." if it was those three, i'd say that "ledger" and "bagel" got the most twisted up in that accident but the damage to "nay" was negligible.

HEY-OOOOOOOOOH!

what might have been

before we decided to live in the place where we live now, we thought about living in this place. the location was good and there was a lemon tree in the backyard but the house was tiny and the landlord hates jews.

it would've been an adventure but, all things considered, i'm glad we decided to live in the place where we live now. this is an adventure too.

good news/bad news

and we don't have time for the bad news.

i'm pretty weird looking

i remember being 8 years old and looking at my face in the mirror and wondering what i'd look like when i was in my late 20s. i remember imagining this cool cross between corey haim, kirk cameron, and michael j. fox.

little did i know i'd end up looking like a cross between david spade, rachel dratch, and nerdy jesus.

i feel like angry barfing

this is what i feel like right now:

i feel like an angry little dinosaur and all i want to do is barf on everyone's stupid heads!

i don't know what's gotten into me lately but i get moody. man alive, do i get moody. it's no fun. and man alive do i ever HATE not having fun!

pinky rugburn

i got a rugburn on my pinky, which is a weird place to get one of those, i guess. and boy, what a nuisance. every time i reach in my pants pocket it's like re-rugburning my pinky rugburn. it's probably the worst thing. i mean, as far as things go, it's down there towards the bottom. it's either "worst" or right there in one of those spots near "worst."

anyway, i have go to start a band called "pinky rugburn" now because isn't that fun to say?

man, i'm tired

like SO tired. today at work, i kept finding myself just staring straight ahead when i'd realize, "holy crap, how long have i been standing here?"

sleep deprivation is exciting.

baseball on tv

need to take a nap after work? i recommend watching a baseball game on tv. also, if you need to draw a super crummy drawing of baseball players, do it on your roommate's laptop using paintbrush and no mouse, just use the little square pad that makes it hard to hold the mouse clicker thing in while you move the pointer thing. you're going to like what you end up with.

also, if you want to realize how little "computer lingo" you know, try to describe that thing on laptops that you use instead of a mouse. it's an eye-opening experience.

oh, and if you want to feel really unsure about whether or not to use a hyphen, try throwing the phrase "eye opening" into your next blog post.

aw crud

okay guys: good news/bad news. the bad news is that my computer's broken. the good news is that a bunch of nerds are fixing it and it will be back to me in five days. right now i'm on my roommate's laptop. i'm in his room right now WITHOUT his permission which isn't cool of me at all. but i felt like i needed to let you guys what's going on. just PLEASE do not tell my roommate i'm in here using his laptop. if he finds out, i'm dead meat.

DEAD MEAT!

it's not me, it's astrology

so, to better understand my new-found violent anger, i turned to my horoscope and as it turns out, it's not my fault. you see, there's this thing orbiting the Sun and it's currently between Saturn and Uranus (the astrological region know as the Taint). so my horoscope KNEW i'd be pissed off right now. it warned me, "Projecting anger on to well-meaning friends and dear ones is a no-no. Making highly critical comments bites the dust." oops. looks like i bit the dust with my last blog post.

what i also find odd is that i've been tasting dust ever since moving out of my old apartment! (twilight zone theme song)

blind rage

do you guys want to see the stupidest thing in the history of closet doors? it's this. it's my closet doors. they have mirrors on them. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL. they have stripes on the mirrors!

these closet doors are just begging me to punch them to death. just don't put mirrors on the closet doors if you don't want mirrors on the closet doors! i don't even like mirrors. but if there's one thing i like less than mirrors, it's striped mirrors, which i didn't know existed until i moved into this stupid apartment.

actually, i like my apartment. i just hate everything about it, if that makes sense. for example, i like the size of my bedroom but i hate that the windows ALSO have these insanely stupid stripes. and i hate that the neighboring apartment building is like 8 feet from my window, which forces me to listen to the weird korean music that my neighbor is listening to, which makes me want to punch my neighbors' heads off.

sorry. i'm probably just taking all this anger out on my new apartment because my job is sucking the life out of me right now and i have to go back to that awful place in an hour and every time i think about it i want to punch holes in my face for having such a stupid job.

here's more stuff i hate right now: ever since i moved into this soulless, stripe-covered apartment, i haven't been able to write or be funny at all. and when i try to turn to my old friend, the internet to cheer me up, the internet connection sucks, and even today when i tried to watch the best show in the history of television (america's funniest home videos) even that pissed me off because there was this clip of a kid crying because his brother is reading him a book in which a dog dies. the kid's trying to cover his eyes and his mom makes him take his hands from his face so that she can better capture his crying on camera and these fucking jerks in the studio audience are yucking it up. it made me want to rip tom bergeron's head off for even allowing that on the show. and i like tom bergeron.