2011

well gang, yet another new year is upon us. what are we going to do about it? the only thing i can think of is to get wilder.

late christmas present

i got my last christmas present last night and it was a good one. yarn owls. i've hung it above my desk to inspire me. perhaps i will write short stories about this owl family. i've named them, (L to R) Randall, Barb, Shelby, and Luther Vandross.

not going home for christmas

i had a pretty good christmas out here, but i gotta say, what sucked most about not going home for christmas was not being a part of this.

tips locker

at work, we keep our tips in a locker and then divide them up weekly. the other day on my break, in a stroke of genius, i came up with this awesome label for the tips locker. i made it from cutting up a pajama catalog. yes, there are pajama catalogs on this planet where we live. it's funny because the word "tips" also means like "pieces of advice" and that's what it looks like the one person is forcing on the other person.

steinbeck

steinbeck had a weird shaped head. he kind of looked like a cross between freddie mercury and a young paul newman. i bet babes were all over him.

the chase

hey check it out! another new video from Olde Champions. and this one has no bad words! Olde Champions is me, patrick rule, and adam shonkoff. we make videos.

happy birthday to schoolpants

this has been such a crazy month that i've been too busy to celebrate our birthday! the first schoolpants post was on December 3, 2008. we've been doing this two years now! can you believe it? i sort of can. but not all the way. two years seems like a long time. i once spent two years in prison. no i didn't. i think i was thinking of someone else. but i once kept a blog alive for two years. oh yeah, that's what we were just talking about. anyway. congratulations to you and me. and to schoolpants. TO SCHOOLPANTS! (and then we all cheers)

deodorant usage trends

for no real reason, i'll go months at a time where i wear deodorant everyday. then, also for no real reason, i'll go months at a time where i don't wear it. as of late, i've been going through a "no-deodorant" phase. but today at work, i was sweating a lot and boy did my armpits smell like chicken noodle soup! tomorrow, the new "yes-deodorant" phase begins!

a cat

sometimes i wonder if maybe i'm just a cat that somehow got accidentally put in a human body. like a really smart cat who understands english. and is allergic to cats.

the three wisemen

hey gang! merry christmas! here's a christmas movie for your enjoyment. if you enjoy extremely weird videos. WARNING: if you're my mom, i think you should know there are bad words in this movie. watch at your own discretion. if you are my sister or brother, please don't show this video to my nephews and girl-nephews.

then and now

i used to think everything meant something. now i think i'll have a sandwich.

complaints department

i bought this four pack of tennis balls at the dollar store and they are NOT tennis balls. they don't even bounce. they're rock hard. but that's okay because i just got them for my halloween costume and now i use them for juggling practice.

i stink at complaining.

i've got good news!

this was another candy bar at the candy store. i didn't try this one although i liked the look of it. and i like the name. it's fun to say "i've got good news!" and then hold up a candy bar that is called good news. also it says "celebrate!" and yellow star. and i think that's good advice. and apparently i use the phrase "good news" a lot.

sky bar: the candy bar from heaven

if you ever see one of these in a candy store, buy and eat it. trust me on this one. juuuuuust trust me.

cow hoof wine bottle

i didn't get this for christmas but it's still a pretty cool gift. and i forgot to tell you guys about it when i got it, so why not now? why not? you don't have a good answer.
so i'll tell you: my friends brian and george gave me this for my birthday. at first glance, it's just a foot that somebody cut off of a cow. big deal, right? but there's more to it than that! it's ALSO a wine bottle AND it has a strap. so you can fill it with wine and take it on the go! passersby think you're just wearing a lucky cow's foot around your neck but in REALITY, you're drunk in public! it's a win-win!

ken doll

i got a kindle for christmas. a kindle is a robot that can be just about any book you want it to be. but if you don't touch it for a few minutes, the robot turns into a picture of something book-related! so now when i fall asleep while reading (which i do every time i read), i wake up to the image of a famous author!

BOOZ

I was at a holiday party recently, being really hilarious, when I happened upon this wine cork. Being the hilarious person at a party can be hard work, but sometimes you just get lucky. When I happened upon this wine cork, I knew that this was one of the "lucky" times. The wine, apparently, was from 2008. My first thought was what anyone would think, "gross! who brought the expired wine?" but my next thought was something only a hilarious person would think: "upside down it looks like a phonetic spelling of the word "booze!"

Then I made sure to shove in the face of every single person at the party, so that no one felt left out. "Look what it says!" I would shout, "It says booze because that's what it is! It's from a bottle of booze!" I said "get it?!" a lot to make sure that each person got it. A lot of people said, "yeah, I get it" but they didn't laugh. They'd just sort of roll their eyes or push me away. I guess they were just embarrassed that they didn't get it. That's the tough part about being the hilarious person at a party. Sometimes your sense of humor is just way too sophisticated. You have to remember that not everybody "gets" everything. And you have to remember not to call them stupid idiots when they don't "get" a hilarious joke. And then you have to remember that you can't take that bottle of wine with you when they kick you out of the party. And then you have to remember not to cry when they all call YOU the stupid idiot after you tell them you don't want that wine anyway because it expired two years ago.

santa traffic

i wanted to wait until after christmas to post this because i didn't want to get on a naughty list and screw up my chances of getting a bunch of awesome gift cards for christmas. now that next christmas seems like a bajillion years away, i'm ready to get this off my chess: i got stuck in traffic the other night. people on the streets were taking pictures and cars ahead of me were rubbernecking. i couldn't figure what the heck was causing all the hullabaloo. i drove patiently and cautiously until it was my turn to rubberneck. and guess who i saw! ol' saint nick himself! lounging on a recliner on a flatbed truck!

the nerve of that guy! he's got a super awesome sleigh and eight FLYING reindeer. he could be flying above all of us, accomplishing the same goal, and not clogging up the streets. instead, he's wasting gasoline, causing a hullabaloo, goofing up the roads, attracting rubberneckers, making it nearly IMPOSSIBLE for me to get to wendy's as fast as i could to get a junior bacon cheeseburger.

merry chrispants

wishing you and yours the merriest of christmases from all of us here at schoolpants dot blogspot dot com.

good advertising deserves my business

if i ever go bald, i am going to buy this product. not because i think it works, but because i want to help support the people who made this hilarious poster that i laugh at every time i see.

Dirty Cigarette Rain Water

Did I ever tell you guys about the band I used to be in called Dirty Cigarette Rain Water? Every show we'd drink a dirty ashtray filled with rain water on stage. We'd all cheer each other on and dance around. It was a real spectacle.

Then the drought came. We didn't play a show for weeks. The band announced an official hiatus. We hated to do it, but we knew the show couldn't go on without rain water. We discussed having some shipped in from a nearby rainy town, but we worried our hardcore local fans would see this as "selling out."

When the rains came again, the band talked about doing more shows. But the more we talked about it, the easier it was for us all to admit that we didn't really like drinking dirty cigarette rain water on account of it tasted yucky. We tried to do a show without drinking any dirty cigarette rain water, but it didn't really go so well.  Backstage, after the show, I was feeling pretty down. I just kept going over the show in my head, trying to figure out what went wrong. I guess part of the reason no one liked us was because none of us actually knew how to play music. Plus we didn't have any instruments. Then I remembered that no one liked our shows before drought, either. And come to think of it, I was never in a band called Dirty Cigarette Rain Water. And wait a minute, is this backstage or a mental hospital?

I guess the life of big-time rockstar is just bound to be full of tough questions.

cool dime!

i found this cool dime at work that's from 1937. it looks different from how dimes look now. it has like a pillar or something on the back, whereas the new ones have a torch or something.  on the front, it has a greek goddess but nowadays they have some white guy or somebody.

awhile ago, i found an old dime that looks like this one and it was from 1942, but i like this one better because it's older and 37 is my favorite number.

aluminum beer bottles

for months, i've been taunted by billboards advertising beer in these oddly intriguing aluminum pint bottles. and for months these beers have been nowhere to be found. but guess what gang: they DO exist. the coors light ones do anyway. still no sign of the miller lite aluminum pint bottles.

 why do they appeal to me so much? i can't figure it out. ever since i saw the first billboard for one i've wanted one. but why? no one thing is special about it. i've had pints. i've had bottles. and i've had aluminum. i've even had the old budweiswer aluminum bottle, but that wasn't exciting at all.

 i can't take credit for the find. emily got them. she says she found them at a weird grocery store, but i'm pretty sure she made them herself or something.

good-time token

my friend patrick found this good time token that is redeemable for "fun for all." and man, once we figure out where to redeem that fun for all ... you better believe we are gonna have us some fun.

even if it is cinnamon scented

why would anyone want that?

you have to wonder

if a tazmanian devil caught rabies, do you think anyone would notice?

better bald

i truly believe that some people look better bald.

mustache list

1. mustaches are important.
2. my friend sam is on the right in the photo to the left.
3. sam just had a new baby girl.
4. also, he grows a good mustache.
5. i don't know if facts 3&4 have any sort of causal connection
6. still probably a good idea to grow a mustache if you ever want to do anything with your life.

mexican revolution

i've said it before and i'll say it again: if there's one thing the mexican revolution has over the american revolution it's babes.

sale on man suits

i could use a new man suit, but ... 3 pices? i don't know. kinda seems like a ripoff.

pearl harbor remembrance day

i remembered that today was pearl harbor remembrance day but ... to be perfectly honest ... i don't remember pearl harbor all that well. i remember seeing the trailer and people talking about it. but i always thought it looked pretty lame. i never went to see it. i guess i'm not all that patriotic.

schoolpants undercover

did i ever tell you guys about how i used to be an undercover police cop? it was awesome. i used to go on all kinds of missions, busting bad guys, driving cool cars, fistfighting, wearing leather jackets, doing cool handshakes, playing pool with snitches, sitting in cars for long times, eating snacks, making girls fall in love with me and then getting the heck out of there, crawling through vents, using binoculars, taping microphones to my stomach, prank calling people, beating up janitors and putting on their uniforms and removing graffiti from high schools, blogging, getting tattoos, all sorts of adventures.

i remember this one time i was checking in with my police chief and he was like "where the heck you been man? you're going way too undercover! you're crazy!" and i was like "maybe i am!" and then i rode my hog (motorcycle) right out of his stupid office. then i met up with these bad guys who thought i was their friend. they were playing pool during a lull between fistfights. there was this girl who was there and they were being mean to her and i was like "you're gonna wish you never did that." and they were like "what the?" and then i fistfighted with all of them and did all these uppercuts and roundhouses and knocked all their lights out. and then the babe fell in love with me and told me about how those guys had a big drug deal and she wanted to marry me but i was like "sorry toots," and i got the heck out of there. she was like "aw man, where the heck you going?" and i was like "to a drug deal!" and i put on one of the knocked-out bad guy's clothes so i could pretend to be him. then the drug dealer was like "oh hey buddy!" and i was like, "i AIN'T yer BUDDY!" and knocked his lights out and took him to jail and the police chief was like "man, sorry i yelled at you. you're awesome. how about another mission?" and i was like "sorry boss. i'm retired." and i threw my badge in the trash can. but then i was like, man that would've been cool, like as a souvenir. so i got it out of the trash. but it had some gum stuck to it, so i was like aw man. but i took it to the bathroom and rinsed it off. it was no big deal.

pajama catalog

how is this a real thing?

windshield

bought a new windshield today. never bought one of those before. guess this is a milestone in my life.

bought new brakepads yesterday. that was a first too.

i'm growing up.

growing up feels like being vaguely ripped off.

common decency

i HATE abiding by state laws and i HATE washing my hands. but i don't hate ANYTHING as much as i hate being indecent.

face touching

i don't like it when people touch my face. but if it's a baby-person, i let it slide.

thomas "boozer" jefferson

it's hard to read but the quote at the top says "A drink may do my body no good, but imagine the good it does for my soul." i feel like presidents nowadays aren't allowed to say stuff like that.

tiny prumpkin pie

LOOK HOW BIG MY HAND IS!

xmas DORKarations

i like christmas decorations. i even like really tacky over-the-top christmas decorations. but a life-sized fake horse and children? that's pretty weird.

pork socks

With winter upon us and Jack Frost nipping at our toes, it's important to always wear your pork socks. Even when your sleeping. It'll keep you warm and the un-kosher meat acts as a strong deterrent to Jack Frost (alias Jack Goldsteinbergman).

netflix keeps inventing genres

What'd you ask? What types of movies do I like? Oh, I mostly watch tortured-genius movies. I guess I'd have to say my all-time favorite of that genre would be Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. As far as forbidden-love movies go, I think The Illusionist tops that list, for me, personally.

thanksgrabbing

Happy Thanksgiving everybody. I hope you all had a good one. Mine could've been lousy but ended up being swell. it started at 4am, heading out to my car to go to work and discovering that someone had recently thrown part of a cinder block into my windshield, creating a dinner-plate-sized spiderweb crack that was sure to be a pricey fix. Then I went to work to celebrate my holiday tradition of serving coffee to a bunch of jerks.

But after that, I got to skype with my family back home, which was really cool. Then I went over to Emily's to spend Thanksgiving with loved ones out here. It was very fun and nice and the food was good. The whole afternoon served as an important reminder that my family and friends are cool enough that just talking to them through a computer or spending an evening with them are fun enough to make the other crap not matter all that much. I'm very thankful for that.

fridge receipt

when i moved into my most recent apartment, i had to do something i'd never done before. i had to buy a fridge. it was a strange and daunting task. i don't know what to look for in a fridge. so i did what any responsible adult would do. i went on craigslist and found a guy who had like 8 beat up fridges in his mom's garage. my friend adam and i went and looked at them. he seemed to be assigning them prices randomly when we'd ask about each.

"how about this one?" i'd say.

"that one?" he'd say, "uhhhhhh, 450."

then he'd leave the room and scream at his mother in what i think must've been israeli for a minute or two, then come back.

"you need dining table?" he'd ask.

"nah, we're good. how much is this fridge?"

"that one? uhhhhh, 600."

it was funny. once we chose one and gave him some money, he wrote me a very official receipt. he even gave us a one month guarantee.

bike dreams

if i had three wishes after watching this video, they would be:
1. i wish i lived in edinburgh.
2. i wish i had a bike.
3. i wish i could do this.

what it's like to be illiterate

i found this on my windshield today. i can't decide if the $7.99 or the $9.99 wash better suits my needs.

i'm doomed

i forget sometimes. then i remember and it's a real bummer.

wikipedia

i love wikipedia, but i'm getting a little tired of jimmy wales hounding me for money. i don't HAVE any MONEY, jimmy wales! if i did, i'd buy a real encyclopedia*.

*not true

but if i ever get a job that pays a living wage, i promise i'll throw a few bucks your way.

roommates

my roommates have been out of town for a few days, which has been nice because i've been able to walk around the apartment in my underpants. i could probably still walk around the apartment in my underpants after they get back here. maybe they wouldn't mind. i'm not sure. but you better believe it's coming up at the next roommate meeting.

hebrew nationals

my friend patrick has a hebrew national shirt. i am jealous of him for it. hebrew nationals are hot dogs. as far as i know, they are the tastiest hot dogs on the market. AND they're kosher. which is important to some people.

i want a cool shirt like this. but only if it fits right. my friend adam (author of the now defunct blog Wikibloogia) and i have spoken at length about how, as we've grown older and matured, we've continued to dress almost exclusively in t-shirts, but nowadays the fit and feel of the t-shirt are far more important than the picture or message the t-shirt bears.

Robot George

this is a nice little news piece that was sent to me by adam, former author of the now defunct blog Wikibloogia, which i was a fan of.

anyway, this old scientist pulled his out-of-date robot pal out of an old garage and dusted him off and fixed his wires and now they're buddies again. it seems like the premise of a Pixar film. i'll get to work on the script first thing tomorrow.

four loko

you guys, beware of this stuff. they are outlawing it in some parts of the country, and rightly so, i might add. it turned my friend brian into a humming bird. and it turned me into an italian.