koala back rides

this is another thing in my brother's old bedroom. i had to sleep there this weekend because my parents' house is like a hotel now and a million people were sleeping there. anyway, this is a koala on the back of another koala, painted on a flat rock. i don't know where this came from or why, but i think it's the coolest thing i noticed in my brother's old bedroom. except maybe this dusty old beastie boys tape:
i hope he doesn't think i was snooping around in his room. i wasn't. i just noticed the snoopy trophy and took a picture of it and then i noticed all this other cool stuff lying around so i took pictures of those things too. like, how could i not take a picture of this guy:

the greatest football player in the world

my brother is the greatest football player in the world. he even has this trophy in his old bedroom to prove it. pretty impressive considering he retired when he was thirteen.

snow + niece

i got to see snow this weekend.

i also got to see my family this weekend. including my newest niece:

she's weird.

zelda

back in october of 2008, i decided i was going to beat the original zelda. i had never done it as a kid because i could never get a chance to play. i would just watch my older brothers beat video games. i realized that was horrible. i had NEVER beat a game in my whole life, as far as i could remember. so i set out to beat one of my favorite games from my childhood: zelda. it was fun. i was good at it. i beat all the levels except level 3 somehow. i couldn't get into the last level until all of the levels were completed. i needed to go back to level 3. the only problem was i couldn't find level 3. i spent hours combing the village of hyrule. it was nowhere to be found. i looked EVERYWHERE. eventually, i decided i need to draw my own map of hyrule. it was the only way to make sure i searched every square inch of the village. plus, i thought it was kind of cool that i might have my own hand-drawn map of hyrule. so i did it. as i was working on it, i thought a funny thing to do would be to mail it to my friend dave because he likes maps. he wouldn't know what the hell to do with the stupid thing. he'd probably feel too bad to throw it away. anyway, it took me a long time and before i got even halfway done with the map, i found level 3. so i beat it. then i went and beat ganon and beat the game. and when i beat the game, it showed me this screen:
and that's when i remembered that i HAD beaten this game before. back in college, i think. i'm an idiot.

my theory is:

the way i wrote that makes it look like it might be a poem.
it's not a poem.
neither is this.

reading lamp

awhile back, i decided i needed a lamp by my bed so that i could read before falling asleep. i went to office depot and picked out a cheap one. they had a banker's lamp, which i think looks cool. so i took it to the counter. they guy who rang me up was a manager i think. he was probably in his fifties. anyway, he was friendly and seemed fairly normal. then, when he looked at the lamp, he said, "oh! man! this is sexy!"

it made me really uncomfortable. i didn't know what to say, so i kind of just pretended to not hear him. then he mumbled quietly to himself, something like "gotta get me one of these."

people are weird.

word verification

when the internet asks me do a word verification, it's usually kind of funny.

fingernail clippers

i don't know who invented these things but, man, i'm sure glad they did!

did you know?

for a simple machine, there are a lot of confusing little parts to draw.

this is how money works

there's a lot of ways to do it, but it always evens out.

time capsule

a year and a half ago, not long after i moved into this apartment, i made a time capsule. i told myself i'd open it when i move out of this apartment. i honestly don't remember what's in it. it feels pretty light. i hope i didn't forget to put stuff in there.

my grandma

i don't have a photo to show you guys of my grandma, so i picked the weirdest clipart i could find under the title "grandma." this is what showed up. weird, right? anyway, my grandma passed away this morning. it's sad. she was awesome. she used to crochet a lot and make awesome cookies and she'd make food for you all the time and all those typical grandmother things. but she was also funny and cool. one time, i was talking to her and my grandpa about stuff they did when they were younger. she told me about how this one time, when she was in high school, she sneaked into a college lecture and just pretended she was a student there just to see what it was like. she laughed about it a lot and said, "ah, i was a brazen young hussy." i think that was the coolest thing i ever heard her say. it was hilarious. we laughed about it for awhile.

it's sad when your grandma dies. both of mine are gone now. you hear about people's grandparents dying like it's just something that grandparents do. but man, it's sad. if you hear about someone's grandparent dying, be nice to them. no matter how old or sick the grandparent is, it's really sad to lose somebody.

oh, another funny story about my grandma: a few years ago, she had a stroke and had to stay in the hospital for awhile. these nurses would take her for walks and talk to her and stuff. she told one of them that she could speak russian and the nurse totally believed her. my grandma even made up russian words to "teach" the nurse and the nurse totally bought it. hilarious.

ear ache

sometimes people get ear aches. they hurt real bad. a lot of times it's baby people who are the people who get ear aches. that especially sucks because baby people are new here and haven't figured out the language yet. so they just scream and scream. that's also what they do when they are hungry or have shit in their pants. but having an ear ache is way more painful than being hungry or having shit in your pants, so the baby people scream extra loud to try to communicate the idea that this pain they're experiencing is way worse than the everyday stuff they cry about. but a lot of the times, grownup people assume that louder screaming must just mean that the baby people are even hungrier or have even MORE shit in their pants.

that's what's rough about being a baby person. we've all been there. but the stupid thing about grownup people is that most of them figured out a way to forget what it was like being a baby.

working out

that's how we feel about it.

observational humor

isn't it funny when there's a thing of rotten basil sitting in your fridge forever and ever but you don't throw it out because it's your roommates and it just keeps getting grosser and grosser and you think "what the hell is wrong with him? does he think that's MY basil? because it's not. i don't buy stuff like basil. what an idiot," and then in mid-february you remember that it's not your roommate's; it's left over from when your friends kienan and emily visited back in december and they made a pizza for you?

we've all been there.

black eyes

black eyes are cool. i think everyone should get one. at the high school where i went to high school, the mascot was this angel with a black eye. i don't remember thinking it was all that cool when i was in high school, but looking back on it now, that's pretty cool.

BACON

did you know that bacon is awesome? remember how in cartoons, when dogs would think of bones or whatever, they would freak out and start acting like heroin addicts? it was all pretty ridiculous. BUT, bacon is the one food item where i understand what those cartoon dogs were going through. just the smell of it excites me. and i'm not alone here. i've talked to a few people who love bacon. i really think it's going to catch on as a food item. a few years from now, people will be putting it on sandwiches, in breakfast dishes, maybe even sprinkling it on salads and you're going to think to yourself, "you know who was way ahead of the game on this whole bacon fad? ... schoolpants. schoolpants was into bacon back when it wasn't so mainstream. back when you could find bacon in small clubs around hollywood and have a beer with it after a show."

happy presidents day!

happy presidents day everybody. i had to work today. because my job sucks. i hope you guys had a good time today though. you know what i wonder about presidents? do you think they ever get embarrassed that the only portraits of them show them wearing really out-of-date clothing?

year of the tiger

happy chinese new year, everyone. it is now the year of the tiger. and according to some website, the year of the tiger is going to be a very good year for me. also, one of my roommates is a tiger. so i feel like that's a good sign too.

harkenbirthday

every year, nine days after my friend samb's birthday, i draw him a birthday card and tell the story of how we became friends.
i first met samb harkenharken in 1997. i was in a bit of a bad-boy streak during that time in my life. i ran with a street gang called "los gatos locos." we were a not-for-profit gang that worked to find homes for mentally deranged alley cats. most people don't know this, but 1 out of 4 felines suffers from some form of mental illness. and man, we saw them all in '97: epilepsy, schizophrenia, feline dementia, cat scratch fever, poison tail, cats who eat dog food (CWEDF) cats unable to purr (CUP), kitties with inverted laser teats (KWILT), etc etc etc.

anyway, samb came to us in a real huff. he was so upset he could hardly get his words out. he told us, "it's my cat, ya see," and then he went back to huffing and puffing, trying to catch his breath. "go on," i said, "what's the problem with your cat?" samb took a drink of water, spilling most of it down his shirt. he gulped loudly and said "my cat, she's CRAZY! you gotta help me!" i refilled his glass of water and said, "well, that's what we're here for. we take crazy cats and we fix 'em up. now what's the problem?" he panted some more and said, "you're never gonna believe it" samb took a big bite out of a donut that was on my desk. i smacked it out of his mouth. "get on with it! what's the story with your kitty cat, already?"

eventually, he spilled the beans. "my cat, when she's angry, she spits bees out of her mouth. hundreds of 'em. big ones too! yellow jackets!"

naturally, we figured samb was crazy but we had to investigate any case we got. we went to samb's house and sure enough, that damned cat covered us with yellow jackets. we got stung up so bad we had to spend a week in the bee unit at the hospital. samb and i shared a room. we didn't get along at first, but the rec room at the hospital had a ping-pong table. i don't care who you are, no two people can stay enemies after a few friendly games of ping-pong.

anyway, long story short, samb saved my life. and now he has birthdays every year and i do this thing. happy birthday!

volcanoes!

you know what's CRAZY? i'll tell you: volcanoes are real things that exist in our world. volcanoes are big mountains with holes in them. and you know what they do with those holes? they shoot LAVA out of them! which brings me to my next point: lava is a real thing that exists in our world! our planet is so CRAZY!

i went to a dumb school

i went to a school that specializes in communication (like emailing and stuff like that). i graduated about 18 months ago. and remember, this school specializes in communication (like emailing and stuff like that) and yet, they still email me stuff like this roughly 3 times a week.

American Football Day

today is a very important day in the united states. today is national football day. each year, two teams (football teams) from different american cities come together to play a game with each other. it's a way to show that although we come from different cities, and many times even different states, we still all know how to play football. this year the cities of new orleans, louisiana and indianapolis, indiana will be playing together. i used to live in indianapolis. it's a great place. i know that. but a lot of people from new orleans might not know that. they might think, "indianapolis? what's that place like? i bet they're weird and wear different colored football shirts and play football a different way from us." but the truth is: indianapolis football players really DO wear a different colored football shirt. and today, everyone in this country will look at televisions and the televisions will SHOW them how different the football shirts of these two towns really are.
go colts!

hamburger day

yesterday was hamburger day. i celebrated by having breakfast from jack in the box. i got this thing called like "sausage extreme" or something. it was basically like a cheeseburger with eggs in it. then, for lunch, i had some junior bacon cheeseburgers from wendy's. they were the highlight of hamburger day. then, for dinner, i ate a burger at a restaurant. it was pretty lousy.

over the last few months, i've been eating no cheeseburgers at all. not for health reasons, but because i'm poor. but yesterday, i was out of food. and i just felt like eating cheeseburgers all day. you think you're better than me?

white people be crazy

Dear Rosemary,

My morning routine is so tired and tedious. I grow weary of this lifestyle. I want to blow my brains out.

Write back soon,
Henry Renry Gerunthal Skippington-Hynes

time to make the donuts

a lot of times i have to leave for work at 4am. these days, i often find myself saying "time to make the donuts" as i'm getting up at 3:45am. i used to love that character. but then, this morning, i realized something for the first time ever: that dude's life sucked! he was ALWAYS making donuts. it sounds awesome. but i think he was sad.

so i looked him up and found out that the actor who played him actually died of diabetes. presumably from all the donuts. how tragic is that? it's bad enough those donuts ruled his life. but they took it from him as well? that's rough.

gotta admit though. donuts are pretty awesome. not a bad way to go. i wish i had some donuts right now. aw crap, i have to go to work.

got bit by a rattlesnake

went to the park yesterday. got bit by a rattlesnake. i sucked the venom out and spit it in that rattlesnake's face. he shriveled up and died.

not really. but i did go to the park yesterday. the park is awesome. why don't i go there more often? i don't know. good question. thank you. you're welcome.

happy grundog day

well, it's that time of year again. it's grundog day: the day that commemorates the 1948 grundog incident that occurred in pookahtanqua, pennslyvania. legend has it, a magical grundog took the town by force and, in an effort to better the lives of its citizens, forced everyone to live the same day over and over and over again until they got it just right. the city has been trapped in time ever since.

happy grundog day everybody!