patrick rule north american tour

my friend peter rule is coming to visit. he's on his way via airplane as we speak. thanks to the internet, i can see how close his airplane is so we know when to hide and then wait for him and yell surprise. okay, he's over new mexico, go hide.

dinosaur question

so, i have a quick question since we're on the subject: tyrannosaurus rexes, how the heck did they sleep??? i mean, if they slept lying down, how in the world did they ever get back up with those wimpy arms? and if they slept standing up, man, talk about exhausting!

pretty good joke

i don't know who came up with this one but it's always been a staple in my repertoire. holy shit i spelled repertoire right on the first try!

a miracle happened to me today

in february, i found an advertisement for Mega Super Star World Famous Clairvoyant James Capers. i tore the ad out and put it on my bulletin board. the ad inspired me for months. today, i finally worked up the courage to notice a website address on the ad.

Almost too excited to type, I fumbled with my keyboard until I entered the correct URL into my web browser. Loading, loading ... the anticipation is killing me. Literally killing me. I'm gasping for my last breath when the page finally loads and Dr. Capers himself is singing to me.
I'm not a super-spiritual person, but WOW, this guy is the Real Deal. He and his dog, Hope Angel, have worked with Royal Family members, Presidents, CEOs, and Hollywood celebrities! He speaks in tongues, he's semi-fluent in English, and he hates women. "Thus, even today we have some, not all Christian Churches dwelling in the flesh, promoting Christian doctrines that 'empowers woman,' and belittle men in their services. Marriages are crumbling because woman no longer see the Man as their head but they exuberate authority over their very own husbands, 'not very Biblical.' This hinders the full development of spiritual gifts and powers for woman."

And the song that plays on his homepage (http://www.drjamescapers.net), I can't get enough of it. The piano riff that loops throughout is wrought with emotion, while the electric guitar totally kicks ass. This man has been blessed not only with the ability to speak in tongues, but also with the ability to sing like an angel! I'm not certain if he wrote the lyrics himself or not, but the end of the song moves me to tears every time.

"Oceans are wide,
and skies are blue-eh!
mountains are tall,
valleys are low,
birds fly high,
and i love you aw-eh
ah-hyooo, ah ooohoo hoo-eh
I want you BOY!"

rice: how much is too much?

when one makes rice for oneself, one often finds oneself asking oneself how much is too much. the answer is this much:
this much rice is too much rice. also stop referring to people as "one" and stop referring to people's selves as "oneselves." you sound like an asshole.

also, that's a pretty sad looking cheese toasty.

also, stop crying. you're a grown man.

bicentennial ike dollar

check out this awesome coin i got the other day as a tip! i didn't even know these things existed! it's a dollar coin with dwight wisenheimer on the front. and i guess it usually has a big eagle landing on the moon on the back. but mine is extra special because it's a bicentennial coin. so on the back they have a giant moon and the taco bell bell. what i found most surprising about the coin was it's tremendous size and weight.

and if that's not enough to freak you out, check out the size of this mutant strawberry i found!

better than authentic!

last time i was home, i had lunch with my brother, matt, and his wife and kids at a "mexican" restaurant called bandido's. matt bought me a meal and a $3 t-shirt. "three dollars for a t-shirt!" i exclaimed as we walked past the display t-shirt that had been stapled to the wall. my sister-in-law agreed that was an attractive price. the slogan on the t-shirt sealed the deal. Better than Authentic! what an awesome slogan. the owners are well aware that what they serve is not an accurate representation of mexican cuisine but they're confident theirs is better. like, "yeah, those mexicans had some pretty good ideas about food, but we really made them work."

hilarious. and i don't want to disparage this fine eatery. i have eaten there several times and always enjoy my meal. but i really think they should take this "better than authentic" thing and run with it. maybe by opening a restaurant in mexico.

bad PR for the KKK

it's just really unfortunate that one wacko in the ku klux klan can really screw up the reputation of the entire organization.

isn't it crazy that the KKK is still a thing? like, people are still joining up. people who are alive right now, in our world. and there are still people joining neo-nazi organizations. real people. and the people on jersey shore. those are real too! there are so many types of crazy people in this crazy little planet. what a world!

my nephew the robot

i'm working on a script called "my nephew the robot." it's about a robot that runs on candy and has a paper bag for a hand. when they authorities start asking questions, the quick thinking renegade scientist explains, "nah, he ain't a robot. he's my nephew." so then he has to get the kid (robot) enrolled in kindergarten and he has to teach (program) it to ride a bike. they get into all kinds of high jinks and have a lot of laughs along the way. and in the process, the robot becomes a real boy. it's a modern day Pinocchio.

just kidding. but, you know what's stupid? i just made all that up based on this short video clip i got of my nephew on easter but if i were famous and pitched that idea to disney, they would totally make it and i would be rich.

medieval tim's

so there's this guy called Medieval Tim and legend has it: he traveled through time to open a restaurant. and the gimmick is: he fights other people who he brought from back in time. so it's kind of like dinner and a show. pretty smart idea if you ask me. no wonder nothing got done in the dark ages, all the smart ones traveled to the future!

anyway, this is probably the most difficult post i've ever had to write. how can i possibly describe how awesome this place is? i can't. there's no way. so i'll just show you a few funny things from medieval tim's.

for starters, they tie some of the horse's tails in knots! why do that?! because medieval tim is crazy. he's also got some crazy horses. like the one with rabies (see video).
dinner was awesome. it was a bunch of meat, a potato, apple pie, beer, pebsi, and coffee. all of my favorites!
to clean up after the meal, they gave us pre-moistened towelettes. there were directions on them for heating and cooling, which i found helpful.
finally, there was one knight who's job it is to pick up the horse poops.
it was a magical night ... or should i say "knight?"

no. night was the right one.