Tuesday, March 31, 2009


i live in a weird place. for whatever reason, people have collectively accepted NETWORKING as a normal event to happen in pubs. lots of people even encourage it. these people, in my humble opinion, are awful. where i come from (neverneverland), the pubs serve a direct purpose. and the people within those pubs know the score and act in accordance with the pub's purpose. the purpose, of course, is to get silly. it's fun to get a little silly on booze and see what the night brings you. i've always felt that this is one of the great joys of alcohol (and to a greater extent, of life): you're never entirely sure of where it will take you; furthermore, if you try to steer it, it will take you in an entirely different direction, just to remind you who's in charge. that's my theory anyway. but my point is this: i don't like people who go out to pubs with a purpose other than to get silly and see where it takes them.

some go out to meet people to "try to get laid." it's my humble opinion that these wretched people not only should be refused entry into pubs, but they should be stripped of their alcohol rights. there are people here in hollywood, who go to pubs not only to get laid, but to NETWORK. dear god no. the verb network sends shivers down my spine. it goes hand in hand with "trying to get laid." both imply two (or more) persons' intentions to do nothing more than USE each other selfishly. both acts are despicable and severely lame. but to me, networking is even worse. to share a drawn-out, creative endeavor with someone who struck up a conversation with you in a bar makes me want to puke fire. ... like a dragon. but i guess with dragons, they call it "breathing" fire. i'd rather puke it. in this situation. for dramatic effect. this reminds me of when i was a freshman in college. we had like a "parents' weekend." one of the other parents asked my dad, "so what do you do?" and my dad nonchalantly said something like, "what do you mean? i do lots of things." and i felt a little embarrassed because it was clear what the other parent meant. but the other parent clarified, "i mean, your occupation, what do you do for a living?" and then my dad begrudgingly answered.

i JUST NOW remembered that situation, maybe for the first time since it happened, and it's kind of blowing my mind a little. because i didn't think i was very much like my dad. but i KNOW that people have asked me what i do and i have answered "lots of things," ... lots of times. because i HATE that question. and now i understand that my dad hates it too. because seriously, fuck that question. it's a fuckawful question. it's nobody's fucking business what i do, first of all. especially not some STRANGER AT A BAR. secondly, WHY is that a conversation starter? MOST people hate their jobs. plus, WHO the fuck wants to talk about their job when they're not at work? ...moreover, who the fuck wants to talk about their job even when they ARE at work? nobody. so fuck that stupid fucking question and fuck those people who ask it. it's a fuckawful question that those networkers introduced into normal conversation to try and make networking seem less despicable. DON'T BE FOOLED. networkers should be shot, hanged, and dragged through the mud by wild horses.

sike, nobody should be shot nor hanged. but seriously, let's expose networking as what it is: whorish handjobery.

from now on, when strangers ask me what i do, i'm telling them "laundry." OOOOR, when they ask, i'll say, "i do the robot." and then i dance the robot. and they laugh. and after like 20 seconds of me still doing the robot, they'll probably say, "seriously, what do you do." and i just WON'T stop doing the robot until they either: a)leave me alone; or b)change the subject.

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