Friday, September 4, 2009

shark fins

today on the bus, a man who claimed to be from the future gave me a notebook. he told me to share the secrets within this book with the world. then he jumped out the window. i'll read you an excerpt that caught my eye:

Most people don't know this (because the Fat Cats in Washington don't want us to know) but iced cream is made up, primarily, of shark fins. Now you might be saying to yourself, "big effing deal! Sharks are ruthless man-eaters! Serves 'em right to get killed for our iced cream!" And while I share your vendetta against sharks, I ask you to focus on the greater issue for the time being: sharks, while undeniably evil, provide a specific and necessary service to all marine life. Sharks act as a sort of "border patrol" for the aquatic world. I mean, think about it, if your job wanted to transfer you to a new branch and then they told you your new home would be in the ocean, you'd be like "no way José! Sharks will eat me for shore!"

But then what if your boss, José, was like, "yeah, but guess what: all the Sharks are dead because we took their fins off to make our iced cream!" Then you'd be like "holy smokes!" and you'd already be thinking of sweet decorating ideas for your new underwater apartment. But then it hits you like a ton of bricks: If there's no more sharks, then there's no more shark fins, no more shark fins means no more iced cream! Oh my Cod, I'm living in an underwater hell with no iced cream for all eternity!" But then José calms you down. "That's why we're transferring you," he explains, "you're heading up the new iced cream division." It will be your duty to find a new shark fin substitute. You will test all the fins of the underwater community. When we find one that suits our needs, you will be the first underwater sea farmer. You will be to iced cream what Buzz Aldrin is to astronaut iced cream.

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