Monday, February 28, 2011


a wise man once told me: "If you need proof of the existence of God, listen to Manfred Mann's version of 'Blinded by the Light.' If that's not enough to convince you, think of how cool a name Manfred Mann is."

and when i say "a wise man," i mean "a drunk old coot."

can cds be see through?

i always thought i vaguely understood how compact discs worked. there's a shiny side with some grooves in it and a laser beam reads the grooves and then magic happens and music comes out. but i recently came into ownership of a previously used cd. some of the silver had flaked off, so the cd is see through in those parts. i figured it wouldn't play but tried it anyway. and guess what! it does play! which completely destroys my understanding of technology. do cd's not need a shiny side? if not, why haven't bands been putting out cool see through cds?


whoopie goldbloom is an outerspace alien on the show Star Track: The Naxt Generator.

tootsie pop bow and arrow star rumors

when i was a kid, there was a rumor that if your tootsie roll pop wrapper had a native american holding a bow and arrow with a star on the tip, you were supposed to save it. some believed saving and mailing in a certain number of these special wrappers would earn you a free tootsie roll pop. others believed if you saved some for awhile but then gave up on them and threw them away, you would end up with a beard when you were in your twenties. i don't know which was true, but i know this: i never got a free tootsie roll pop.


my roommate andrea got me a cactus. i've never owned a plant before. i think cacti are to plants as cats are to pets. they don't need much attention and when you try to pet them they hurt you.


today, i was cleaning my closet, which i rarely do, and i found a pair of pants that i forgot i had. i always hear people talking about finding cash in an old pair of pants or an old winter coat and it's always a bummer because that never ever happens to me. and so when i found this old pair of pants it made me think of all those jerks who are always finding money in their old stuff. so i checked the pockets and guess what! there was fourteen thousand dollars in cash in the front right pocket!

wristband attachment

for whatever reason, since i was a kid i've had a hard time throwing certain things away, like ticket stubs and old birthday cards. but the hardest thing was always wristbands. still is. i used to wear them until they fell apart. sometimes they'd last months. lately, i've developed a different part of my brain that doesn't care about saving wristbands and i have that part of my brain sneak up on me when i'm not paying attention and take off the wristband. also, that part of my brain has a funny australian accent and always tries to get me to go to the kangaroo part of the zoo. when i take him, he laughs and laughs.

consumer reports: microwaved popped corn

Act II is the best microwaved popped corn. One time when I was little, we were at the mall and a lady asked my mom if she'd do a quick survey about microwaved popped corn and my mom was like "okay yeah." and then the lady was like "which microwaved popped corn do you buy most often: jiffy popped, orville redenpopper, popped secret, or other?" and my mom was all like "other." and the lady was like "what the?" and almost dropped her clipboard. and my mom was like, "i only buy Act II" and the lady's nose started bleeding. it was awesome.

don't even waste your time

hiding from yourself in the mirror is impossible. and infuriating.

fair is fair

i guess it's only fair that they have a fat boy option if they're going to have healthy choice.

stickers are cool

when i was a kid, i used to put stickers on everything. then i forgot about it for a long time. now i want to put stickers on everything again.

it's okay

it is.

zam zarken

every year, 25 days after his birthday, i draw a picture for my buddy zam and every year i tell the story of how we met.
i met zam at the 1993 autumn olympics in west chesterfield, verhampshire, UK. zam was operating a make-your-own hot air balloon stand near the port-o-johns. i asked him how much. he asked me for the hour or all-night? i said, "you can teach me to make my own hot air balloon in an hour?"
he seemed confused but then recovered, "oh oh! right! uh, hot air balloons, sure. how much you got?"
"not much, i'm afraid," i was afraid.
"that's just how much it costs!" he exclaimed and snatched my pocketbook.
together we made a hot air balloon of old deflated beach balls. when we finished i was less than confident about the safety of the vessel. but when he asked if i wanted to take her up for a test drive, i didn't have the heart to turn him down. we flew up to about two hundred feet. "that's probably high enough," i said.
"nah, got really feel her out! test her limits!" he shouted back.
we got up to about 600 feet and that's when it happened, the entire town of west chesterfield was fire-bombed. we still don't know who did it or why. but all records of west chesterfield, the county of verhampshire, and even the entire 1993 autumn olympics have been destroyed.
anyway, zam and i have been good friends ever since.

toaster strudels: not for me

I just want to set the record straight about something: i was a pop tart kid, still am, but i will admit that, IN THEORY, the toaster strudels are better. they resemble real food and you can put on as much icing as you want. both good traits in any breakfast snack.

i think the reason i never got on board with toaster strudel train was their annoying commercials. every commercial was some nerdy kid talking smack about pop tarts. the battle lines had been drawn. the pillsbury ad people had established that there were strudel kids and pop tart kids and ne'er the twain shall meet. and, like i said, it was always a nerdy kid whose parents got the toaster strudels. i think that resonated with me in a way that the folks at pilsbury didn't anticipate. the message i interpreted was: only nerds eat toaster strudels. let that be a lesson to you, ad people.

toothpaste defect

how and why did this happen to my toothpaste?

hot cappy

cooked pork shoulder butt?

these beers in cans

have you guys ever seen these beers in cans??? i sure hadn't ... until thursday night at a bar i'd never been to.

i don't know why i get such a kick out of stuff like this but i do. i'm a sucker for unusual packaging.

just fine

to get her

when i was first learning to spell the word "together," i remember my mom or a teacher or somebody giving me the helpful tip of just spelling "to get her" without any spaces. it's funny, nearly two and a half years later, i still find myself saying "to get her" when i write out that word sometimes.

Monday, February 21, 2011

friendly reminder

don't forget to call your president and wish him a happy president's day today!

oh crud, we got vamps

i think my neighbors might be vampires.

Friday, February 18, 2011

driving buddies

new video from olde champions! it's funny and surprising and action packed! just like a surprise party where funny people show up and do action-y things!

old brocolli in my fanny pack

so i was cleaning out my fanny pack the other day, and boy was i surprised to find this: a dried out piece of brocolli! the funny think is: i haven't worn that fanny pack since halloween! and there wasn't any brocolli at that halloween party! i can only assume that i have a magic fanny pack that, if gone untouched for 4 months, generates old brocolli from thin air. i've tried to contact several scientists and local politicians to share this technological breakthrough, but, so far, have only been met with very rude secretaries.

teach parents

i forgot to tell you guys about this, but around christmas time, someone sent me a nice little care package via google that encouraged me to learn how to use gmail. the package was clearly designed to help old people understand email and included stickers for your keyboard, a notepad with the url, and buttons with sayings like "world's techiest mom."

i haven't figured out who sent the package. maybe it was the same person who subscribed me to Crappie World. i suspect my friend trent, though i can't be sure.

Friday, February 11, 2011


there's a really addicting game on my kindle called "every word." it's one of those where they give you a bunch of letters and you have two minutes to make words out of them. and there's one or two big words that use all the letters. and you have to get one of those to make it to the next level. well, the other day, one of the big words was POOHED.

i just thought you should know.

mortgage rates

i used to think i had a vague understanding of what a mortgage was. then i saw this ad. now i'm baffled. it has something to do with old people graduating and giving the V sign?

year of the rabbit

well, another chinese year has come and gone. the year of the tiger was a decent one. i have a few regrets. i wish i would've eaten more chinese food. i didn't find any time to play with a chinese fingertrap or take the time to sit down with an old friend for a rousing game of chinese checkers. but according to some website, the year of the rabbit will be a slightly less stressful one. i hope to use my extra time to do the things i miss. chinese cutting in line. practicing chinese fire drills. and replacing the batteries in my chinese smoke detector.
here's to an enjoyable chinese new year! hip hop hooray! (rabbit joke AND a naughty by nature joke).

baby coffees

this is what coffee looks like when it's a baby. isn't that crazy? it's adorable!