this is nic

the last time i was home, i drew a picture of my neice, ally, and she drew a picture of me. above is her rendering of me. i can't tell if she's making fun of me or if she just sucks at drawing.

just kidding, she's great at drawing. and spelling. and look how happy she made me look. i was really touched. i kind of felt bad that my picture of her was just a piece of dog poo with a bunch of stink lines coming out of it.

winking

did you guys know: winking is really funny. it's a very strange gesture. i think it's sign language for "our little secret." but it can mean a lot of things. other meanings include: "go along with my lie;" "hello;" and "let's do sex."

no matter the interpretation, it makes me laugh. so give it a whirl. wink at a stranger today.

schoolpants version of the bible

you know how there's a king james version of the bible? well, someday, i would like to write the schoolpants version of the bible. it would just be my interpretation. and i think i'd edit out the boring parts. also, i'd have more dialogue. and action. and adventure. also, i'd have drawings and photographs throughout. and this would be the picture on the last page:
also, i think i'd change it from "bible" to "bibble." no real reason. just more fun to say.

try explaining wind

i think it would be funny if there were an alien planet that was exactly the same as our planet except they didn't have wind there. and so this alien comes to visit and you're hanging out with him and it starts to get a little breezy and he fa-reaks out. he's like "whoa! what the??? what's going on!?" and you're like, "what? what are you talking about man?" and he's all, "the air ... it's like MOVING or something!" and you're like, "yeah dude, it's just a little wind. chill out." and he's all, "what the heck is wind?" and you just roll your eyes and say, "oh boy" and then the quantum leap theme music starts playing.

Administrative Professionals Day

as you all know, last wednesday was national Administrative Professionals Day. we've gotten gobs and gobs of emails at schoolpant@gmail.com screaming at us about, "what's the deal? no special post for Ruth?!"

Ruth, as you all know, is the receptionist at the schoolpants headquarters. she's been with us since we opened our doors here december 3, 2008. she's the heart and soul of schoolpants. if it weren't for Ruth, we'd all be running our around like chickens with our heads tied together. and i'm not exaggerating when i say that.

here's the scoop: we didn't do a post for Ruth on wednesday because she was out of the office all last week due to a minor operation. not to worry, it wasn't anything too serious but it was a bit personal, so i won't go into detail. well, i shouldn't say it was personal, i guess. that sounds dirty. she was just having a mole removed. it was in a private area, so it is private i guess, but it's not like she got an STD or anything. i mean, the mole wasn't like ON her privates. but, you know, it was in the bathing suit area. so, she is a bit embarrassed about it.

anyway, we love you, Ruth! you mean the world to schoolpants! keep up the good work!

schoolpants on twitter

well, it was bound to happen i guess. there's a website called twittle that i guess is like a blog but you only get a hundred and forty letters per post and no one comment on your posts? or something like that? i don't get it. but it's all the rage. so i'm doing it. because when something is the rage, you do it. don't think about it. don't question whether it's stupid or wrong. you just do it, you understand? that's what you do when something is the rage. DO THE RAGE. anyway, here's the link to that: twitter.com/schoolpants

schoolpants.blogspot.com will continue as planned. the twittle stuff is just bonus footage.

knockoff nyquil

hey. if you guys are sick with a terrible cough and you're thinking about taking some expired generic nighttime cold medicine: don't do it.

i don't want to tell you how to live your life. but don't do it. unless you want to have these crazy terrifying nightmares all night where you are walking to the bank at 3am for some reason and you think you see a tiger in the parking lot but then you get closer and realize it's just a lemur and you think "cool! a lemur!" and the next thing you know there is a lemur on your back and he won't let go and he's making this crazy sound that you've never heard before and suddenly you're surrounded by about ten of these lemurs and you don't know what to do. if you want that, then by all means, take the expired generic nighttime cold medicine. don't measure out the dosage. just take a big swig out of the bottle and then go to bed at 4 in the afternoon.

thoughts on being sick

as you may or may not know, i have been sick. but here's the thing: i'm a real tough-guy so i've still been going about my daily business. i've just been coughing and hacking along the way. which made me wonder about respectable folk. here's what i wonder: we all get sick. we all cough and hack up nasty stuff from time to time. it's part of being human. i, myself, have no self respect. so i go to work and to the beach and to comedy shows and stuff and just cough and cough and gross people out. because, who gives a shit, right? i'm not trying to impress anybody. but then, there ARE people in society who leave the home with an intent to impress people. what do they do when they get the ol' hackin' cough syndrome? stay home? what a bunch of nerds.

or maybe they do things like "jog" and "eat vegetables" and "drink water" so that they never get sick.

either way you slice it, i'm cooler than they are. and you should see the stuff i'm coughing up. it's pretty cool too.

i been sick, yo!

i've been deathly ill the last few days. well, maybe not deathly ill, but uncomfortably ill. as you can see in the attached foto, i've been barfing quite a bit. well, i haven't actually barfed at all. but i've been coughing up phlegm. that's sort of like barfing. i mean, it's not. i'm not regurgitating food. but still. stuff that's in my body is coming up my throat and out my mouth-hole. so, it's like barfing.

look, it still counts as being sick! you don't have to barf to be sick! my head hurts and i can't breathe out my nose and i cough up stuff! i don't know where it comes from. my lungs? maybe. how does it get in there? maybe it is from my stomach. maybe i am barfing. how the hell should i know? i'm sick! just feel bad for me, okay!

earth day

remember that song "he's got the whole world in his hands?" we used to have to sing that as kids and we'd clap to keep the beat. i remember thinking the clapping felt inappropriate given the lyrics. then again, the song wasn't about me, i guess.

anyway, today is earth day. did you know that earth day was invented by a guy named Senator Gaylord Nelson? pretty funny.

moving on, i vote we live on the coolest planet. i mean, i'm open to the idea that there could be cooler planets out there somewhere. but of the planets that we really know anything about, we win for "coolest." i mean, other planets don't even have giraffes. wtf? get with it other planets. rings and moons are kind of impressive but if you ain't got giraffes, you're not even in the running.

mine eyes

somedays, no matter how long i'm awake, i just feel like i can't open my eyes all the way.

not working so good

oh crud! it's raining! i bet that tv's not working good anymore. somebody should take that paper off it.

you know what i'm sick of?

you guys know what i'm sick of?

EVERYTHING

just kidding. everything's fine.

light fixtures

i have never, in my lifetime, gone shopping for light fixtures. there's a good chance i never will.

workin good

there's a tv across the street, sitting in a bed of ivy, with a sheet of paper taped to it that reads, "workin good."

that's funny to me.

they give awards for that?

i got an award for being an eighth grader. what did you ever do?

wolfman

check this dude out. when i was at home, i was going through old stuff and found this money from when i went to austria nine years ago. this twenty schilling note caught my eye because the dude on it looks AWESOME. i wikipedia-ed him and as it turns out, he was just a painter or something. not a former president of austria or anything like that. just a guy who liked to paint miniatures on fine china. that's so cool! i can only assume they chose to put him on their currency because he looks hilarious. i wish the united states did stuff like that. maybe that's why ben franklin's on our money.

500 days of schoolpants

Five hundred days ago, today, a blog was born. That blog is schoolpants. You are reading that blog right now. Wild.

A lot has changed and a lot is the same as it was five hundred days ago. I guess that just goes to show you: time is stupid.

Anyway, keep up the good work reading this blog. Let's reconvene in another five hundred days and see where we're at. Here are my predictions: You and I will both be happier and better looking.

davey foust's birthdate!

today is the day that celebrates the day that my friend davib was born. every year i make him a card. this year i made him a card with a harp on it, because if there's one thing we never see davey without, it's that stupid godawful harp of his, am i right forks??? (applause)

dave is like a brother to me. sort of. i mean, i didn't meet him until i was nineteen. what kind of brother isn't around until your nineteen? a lousy one, if you ask me!

so the guy's a lousy brother. sue me! anyway, the guy can play a mean harp. i remember when we met at the Marion County Fairgrounds Third Annual Harp and Banjo Extravaganza Day. i was there selling banjo strings and trying to get my demo to a big banjo mogul named Clayton Frodhahmber. i was milling around behind clayton's trailer when i saw davey digging through clayton's trashcan. i grabbed him pretty hard by the arm.
"what's the scoop, chickadee!?" i demanded of him.
"i can't find my harp and my big recital is in ten minutes on the main stage," david squeeled.
"a likely story," i belched.
"it's true," he pleaded, as he winced at the smell of my belch.
"tell it to 'em downtown, bubba!" and i karate chopped him on the head. it knocked him out but it also really hurt my hand. i started crying pretty hard and when i get worked up like that i have a tendency to hyperventilate. so i fainted and when we came to, there was a crowd gathered around us. as my blurry vision came into focus, i realized that my hero was standing over me, mister clayton frodhahmber himself. he made some joke that insinuated that david and i were lovers. everyone laughed really hard. i guess the way i fainted and fell on him made it look like we were spooning.
anyway, long story short, davey's harp was in the trunk of his car THE WHOLE TIME!

happy birthday stupid!

new feature on google

if you tell google something about yourself, it gives you a bunch of pictures as a prize for your honesty!

snailmate

where do snails find their shells, i wonder. the sea shore? i doubt it.

hill street blows

due to a series of unfortunate events, i had to go to court today. and that court just happened to be located on hill street. that pumped me up. even though i don't think i've ever seen the show "hill street blues" and even though i later found out that "hill street blues" doesn't take place on hill street in los angeles. it's just in a made up town. like "Metropolis," or "Detroit."

anyway, i went to court because i'm a criminal. i'm a loner, a rebel. i just don't play by society's rules. but i got there and waited in line for a long time just to go through the metal detector. then i waited in line for a long time to talk to a guy in a window. and all he told me is that i had to go back in july to REALLY go to court.

i better hurry up on my neck brace and briefcase.

as far as hauntings go,

i think if had to be haunted by the ghost of an animal, i figure being haunted by a ghost turtle wouldn't be so bad. because, c'mon seriously what're you gonna do to me ghost turtle?

what ever happened to neck braces?!

remember back in the 90s, you'd always see people wearing those foam neck braces? what the hell ever happened to those? they are awesome.

and briefcases! do people carry briefcases to work anymore? what the hell is going on in the world?

i have a birthday coming up, in four months or so. if you're looking for any last minute gift ideas, here are the only two things in the world that i want: 1)foam neck brace; 2)old boxy briefcase.

i promise to wear the neck brace and carry the briefcase whenever i'm in public. i'll even sport a mustache and a three piece suit. when people ask where i'm headed, i'll say "court." and they'll say "you suing someone?" and i'll say, "no. basketball game."

check out this broad. what's her problem? she has two of my most wanted accessories. cheer up:

my sense of humor

i think, from now on, when describing my sense of humor, i am just going to reference this video. my friend Parsnip Rule showed it to me and i've watched it several times since. it is so perfect. everything about it is so weird and hilarious.

it starts with some awesome inspirational/generic music and some text that's in the type of font you see on motivational posters. the text reads "this is the story of amy and her friend who go out to get frozen yogurt for her grandma." i love awkwardly worded phrases. if it were my video, i probably would've tried to go more awkward and thrown in a few typos. but amy's better than that. she knows a little subtlety goes a long way. but the best part is: the rest of the video IS NOT a story about two ladies getting yogurt for grandma. that's not what it's about at all.

what follows is two women wearing almost matching shirts, trying not to laugh. an old woman opens a door and babbles about how "we're just goin' ... nuts in here." more awkward lines. more funny text. then my favorite part, the conversation. the two women have written out a boring conversation and they read their lines to each other from sheets of paper in their laps. but again: subtlety. you only catch them looking down once. another subtle move: they both hold spoons of yogurt. they don't eat the yogurt.

then, of course, come the snazzy effects and las vegas footage. the cheesiness has gone up a notch and the subtlety down a notch, but they've earned it.

and there you have it. a perfect video. it's everything that i think is funny.

tennis outfit

so i was home last week and when i left, i was flying out of the indianapolis airport just after the final four basketball tournament ended. the tournament took place in indianapolis, so at the airport, there were all sorts of crazy merchants selling shirts and junk with college names on them for 10% off or whatever. i was buying a bottle of water when i heard a middle-aged man call to his wife, "Hey Chris, how 'bout this one?" He was holding a hat that said "NCAA Final Four." Chris protested, "But it's black," to which the man replied, "yeah, but it'll go with my tennis outfit."

i laughed out loud. the best part is that they were dead serious. that was a totally normal conversation in their world. i made myself a promise right then and there. i promised that no matter what, whether i ever married or picked up tennis, i WILL someday casually mention in public which souvenir hats go with my tennis outfit, in hopes that some young joker nearby gets a kick out of it.

matt's burpday

today is my brother's birthday. today, he turns older than me. every year, he turns older than me. it's been like this since we were kids. but i guess you'll have that sort of one-upmanship in a house with four boys. i guess it all started when he was born before me. from that day on, i was always struggling to keep up, wearing the same t-shirts, eating the same breakfast cereals, even sporting the same hairdos, like this one seen below (i'm the white kid in the front):

my brother joe and i had to have the "spike" hairdo, just like matt, so that matt knew we were on the level. i think we failed to impress him. but at least we got a cool hairdo out of it. maybe it wasn't that cool. i think, in our minds, it was supposed to come out like the hairdo of one of favorite basketball men, Scott Pippens:
but we failed at that too. someday, somehow, we'll have Scott Pippens-style flat tops. and maybe then we'll earn matt's respect.

my new favorite basketball player

is this guy. he plays for the buttler bulldogs and he has an awesome mustache.

good news!

my favorite joke to make on easter is to say "have you heard the Good News?" and people say "no, what's the good news?" and they are intrigued and excited and probably expecting me to tell them about a free hot dog promotion going on somewhere or something but, instead, i say, "He is Risen!" then people laugh. some people don't know whether or not they should feel bad about laughing because they don't want Jesus to think they're laughing at HIM. but even Jesus would agree that it's a funny way to say he came back from the dead. plus it's funny because i tricked you. there's no free hot dogs, sucker!

HAPPY EASTER

Verizon Wirelies Presents: Schoolpants, A Blog Story

Good News, Gang! This blog has been purchased by Verizon Wirelies! Now, in addition to getting all most up-to-date Schoolpants news, you will also get special deals and coupons for all your Wirely needs!

From now on, look no further for news regarding:

• Verizon text message phones, internet plugs, and microchips;
• All the latest fashions of pants worn to school;
• Cellular telephone coverage maps;
• Computer Pants.

Also, I'm going to live at home with my parents from now on, which means no more photoshop pictures. We only have microsoft paint here. So pictures from now on will only look like this:

ha. suckers. what are you, stupid?