Wednesday, September 30, 2009

i bit my lip

today, i did something very stupid. rather, my body did something very stupid. i don't think i should be held accountable for things that my human/animal body should be able to do with out my brain getting involved. today i was eating some food from my freezer that i heated up in my oven (which i do everyday). normally, this is a pretty smooth process. i watch tv while my body chews, swallows, and digests food, converting it into energy that i use to do the things that i want to do. it's sort of like putting fuel in your car. but instead of your car, it's my body.

anyway, today, for no apparent reason, instead of biting into a chicken patty, i bit into my lip. how does this happen??? i have been chewing things EVERYDAY since i was a very small child. how do these mishaps still occur? it's preposterous. i was trying to think of something to compare it to, like if instead of breathing, your body suddenly decided to barf. but that's not a very accurate analogy. then i was thinking that it's like if you were trying to urinate but instead your body somehow kicked you in the balls. but that's not a very accurate analogy either. then i figured it out: it's like an ingrown toenail. your body, day in and day out, turns dead cells into toenails and they grow OUT of your toe. but then, for some people, their body is just like, "i'm bored. i'm gonna grow it THIS way." and the nail grows INto your toe. or something like that. i don't really know what an ingrown toenail entails. but i assume, because of the name, that it's something like that?

everyone knows this already

everyone knows pregnant women aren't supposed to drink outer space booze. why do they even put that in the warning? instead, they should list some things that pregnant women SHOULD do. like this: eat plenty of ice cream, read stories to your stomach, listen to mozart or some other boring music, learn a foreign language, tell your husband you love him, tv/vcr repair, pregnant yoga, watch plenty of AFV, avoid earthquakes, write a personalized lullaby for your new kid (the one in your stomach), eat plenty of ice cream.

Monday, September 28, 2009

you know what gets my goat?

you know how on the backs of the boxes of the spongebob shaped kraft macaroni & cheese, they have collectible spongebob cards? well, here's what pisses me off: how the hell am i supposed to collect all four when they KEEP GIVING ME THE SAME ONE EVERY TIME AND ALL THE STINKING BOXES AT THE ENTIRE STINKING GROCERY STORE HAVE THE SAME CARD ON THE BACK!? it's bullcrap!


man, today i was thinking about how i wish you guys could go to the supermarket with me. it stinks that i only ever go food shopping by myself. i have hilarious stuff to say about EVERYTHING in the supermarket. every time i'm there, it's a steady stream of funny thoughts.
about half of what i say to myself is stuff like, "let's get some motha-effin' cereal, yo!" or "it's motha-effin' cracka time, yo!" or "where the eff are the saltines, yo!?" or "how could a supermarket of this size and reputation not have some motha-effin' saltines for me to dip in my motha-effin campbell's chicken noodle soup, yo!?"
you get the picture.
i also make hilarious comments about my fellow shoppers. i say awesome things in my brain like, "sweet hat, douchebag." and "cool boobs, lady."

it's not that funny now that i'm typing it. you had to be there i guess.
you know what? forget it! i'm glad you're not there with me when i go food shopping.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

300th bloog poost

hey party people: you know what today is? today is schoolpants's 300th day of being schoolpants. how bout that? the last one hundred days haven't been terribly exciting for the blog, apart from the invention of a new game show, my first music video, and lots and lots and lots of traveling. but alas, summer is over. kind of. and it's time to get back to work. i have great confidence that schoolpants is entering an era of unprecedented blog-cess. 300 cheers for schoolpants! hip hip .... hip hip ... hip hip ... and so on. 300 times. HOORAY.

for cereal

so, at the store, i found this cereal called "fruity crispy rice: naturally flavored sweetened rice cereal," which i think is a hilarious name for a cereal.
i imagine a big fancy cereal office and the marketing people go into the CEO's office and he's playing solitaire on his computer and not really paying attention to them and they ask what to call the cereal and he's focusing on his game and sort of mumbles something like "um ... fruity, uh crispy ... rice ..." and the marketing people kind of look at each other and one starts to say something and just then the CEO realizes he's just lost ANOTHER game of solitaire and he gets so pissed and blames it on these marketing jerks and yells at them to get their butts out of his office.
so they scurry back to the marketing department. and they're all afraid of the CEO, so they stick with "fruity crispy rice" but they start to wonder if that name is misleading. "well, we should tell people it's sweetened. just so they don't get the wrong idea," josh chimed in. "yeah, but we should say it's NATURALLY flavored so people don't think it's really bad for you," added carol. "i feel like we should say something about how it's a cereal and not just rice," suggested Paul, the youngest of the marketing jerks. "i think paul makes a good point," said Brandon. and so the new cereal had a new name. "fruity crispy rice: naturally flavored sweetened rice cereal."


i think now that david cross has a beard, he looks even more like my friend patrick.


assburgers syndrome is a real thing. there are two types of assburgers. the first is when huge burgers grow out of your ass (see above photo) the second is when people are just extremely awkward in social interactions. the first kind is really rare. the second isn't that rare. my theory is that we all have a few assburgers. not the ones that grow on your ass but the ones that make us weird and awkward. some people have a lot. some people barely have any. i prefer people who have a lot. i like awkward people.


Thursday, September 24, 2009

schoolpants's day off

every once in awhile, you gotta take a day off. some people take a day off and go to their friend's house and convince their friend to take their dad's super fancy car for a spin and then they make a phony phone call to the principal to get their girlfriend out of school and then they go to a fancy restaurant and almost bump into their dad and then they go to a cubs game and lip sync to a beatles song right in the middle of a big german parade. and then they watch the stock market and go swimming in a pool and the friend sees the girlfriend naked. then the friend ruins his dad's car but he's okay with it because it's like a coming-of-age moment for him. then their sister kicks the principal in the face and a dog chews up his leg and the principal has to ride the bus back to school because his car got towed and he's humiliated.

but me, today on my day off, i just slept in as long as i could and then ate some cereal and a banana and watched an old episode of malcolm in the middle. then i went and saw a movie. now i'm gonna eat again and lay around and probably fall back asleep pretty soon.

a day off is a wonderful thing.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

it's so hot right now

it feels like someone accidentally left the oven on.

... but the oven is NOT on! it's just THAT HOT OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW!

sweet rocky wallpaper

if you guys are looking for a new Rocky wallpaper, here's a pretty sweet one from

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

my summer at sea world

this is just a little vid i put together from footage i got the summer i worked at sea world. i chose to put the video to Maxine Nightengale's "get right back" because that's how i feel every time i return to my old stomping grounds (sea world). i go for a visit and play all afternoon with the orcas and just keep singing about how i'm getting "right back where i started from!" hope you dig it. -nic schoolpants

p.s. you can actually see me riding a whale at 2:50

Monday, September 21, 2009

for realz,

is olives a fruit?

Saturday, September 19, 2009

TNT (That's Not That!) episode 4

everyone's favorite schoolpants game show, "That's Not That!" is back for episode four. today's subjects: fruit, tv, US history.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

september: be kind to writers and editors month

apparently septembro is also "be kind to writers and editors" month. that's cool because i'm both of those things. and i'm all about trying to get people to be nice to me. here's a shirt that i made that i wear frequently:
when i made that shirt, i had an idea for a kid's song written from the point of view of a kid who gets sad easily and doesn't always feel in the mood to play. i'm still going to do it. someday. there aren't any songs for sad kids (that i know of). and i don't think that's fair. there's plenty of songs for wimpy teens and adults to listen to when they're bummed out. why can't kids ever wallow in their self-pity? when i was a kid, i got sad a lot. i was confused by it and ashamed of it. because i thought kids were supposed to be happy all the time. i'd cry and my mom would ask me what was wrong and i would say i don't know, because i didn't know. and that made me feel stupid.
now i'm older and people are bummed out a lot. and they think they know why they're sad and they list all these sad things that aren't really worth being bummed out about. but really, people just need to be bummed out and listen to sad songs every once in awhile. somebody should tell kids that. sometimes you're going to feel like not really doing anything. that's okay.

i can't get clean

my room is really messy. kind of always has been. i've been meaning to clean up. sort of. i was out of town a lot last month and figured september would be clean-up-month. but apparently, september is national chicken month which might explain why i'm being such a chicken about cleaning up and getting my life in order.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

belly button smell

my belly button kind of itched so i kind of scratched it and then my finger kind of smelled kind of terrible. my belly burton doesn't always smell terrible. i usually wash it in the shower. but today's shower wasn't very thorough (time constraints). so i asked the internet why my belly burton smelled bad and it gave me an answer from our good friend dr alan rockoff who helped my roommate adam with his toe fungus.
my favorite part is that the letter to dr rockoff started with: "hi, i have an innie belly button, and it smells real bad." i also appreciated dr rockoff referring to innies as "classy."
and it's good to know that belly burton stench isn't contagious. i'd hate to have to call up all my ex-girlfriends and tell them they need to get checked for belly button stink.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

he did his own stunts

after watching the 2008 hit film, Fireproof, i'm sure you were all thinking what i was thinking: did KC do all his own stunts????
well, i did some digging and got the inside scoop. turns out .... (drum roll please) .... (more drum roll) ... HE DID!

director michael bay, confirms "anything action oriented, that was Kirk doing it." he adds, "the actress who plays the unconcscious (sic) girl was great. Her name is Jade Young in real life."


i was thinking a lot about hair last night. i was thinking about how it'd be weird if mustaches, instead of growing just below the nose, grew right across the bridge of the nose.
the world would be a sillier place, i think.

i was also thinking about how what if instead of growing millions of really skinny hairs, what if your DNA told your body to just put all that hair into one huge thick hair. then i realized we'd all look kinda like Kid from Kid n Play.
which would make the world a way cooler place.

Monday, September 14, 2009

pepto bismol

sometimes, back in boston, my friend Patrick and i performed at this open mike thing. mostly it was just kids from boston college and they would play guitars and sing and some would just read poetry. but me and patrick were different. we went up there and play toy keyboards and a trombone. and sometimes patrick would just play both and i would dance. one time, we sang the pepto bismol song over and over. it was my favorite thing we ever did. the crowd didn't really like it. if you don't know the pepto bismol song, i'll tell you the lyrics. it goes:
"nausea, heartburn, indigestion. upset stomach. diarrhea."
and it's just that over and over again. it's a list of things that pepto bismol cures, i guess. i like that it ends with diarrhea. that's the grand finale. no act can follow diarrhea.
anyway, here's the only known picture of us at that open mike:
the bartender thought we were really funny. i think he liked patrick a lot more than he liked me. but i was just happy to see him happy. he was a nice bartender. molsen was very cheap at that bar. that's what i drank when i was there.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

TNT episode 3 (That's Not That!)

today we have a special STAR-STUDDED episode of TNT.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

pez dispenser

pez dispensers are these things with heads and you tilt the head back and this tiny brick of sugar comes out of the neck of the thing. some of the bricks are different flavors.

and THAT is what pez is. see how easy it is to invent things, guys? someone thought of that and probably described it to people and it sounded JUST as dumb as it did when i just described it. but you know what? that person made it happen. and now pez is a thing.

Friday, September 11, 2009

i love zoo

yesterday i went to san diego zoo. it was great. i didn't take any pictures. but my friend brendan did. i hope he shares them with me. anyway, i saw very many animals at zoo. zoo is one of my favorite places. my friend adam came too. he really likes the smell of zoo. i'm not crazy about it. as always, the primates were my favorite part of zoo. but it's sad because they are in jail sort of. they know it. we know it. they know we know it. it's weird. but every time i go to zoo, i convince myself that i could easily live with a family of gorillas or orangutans. every time i see them, i make prolonged eye contact with one or more of the primates and we are always very casual and unassuming with each other. i really think that if i got lost out in the jungle and found a nice family of apes, i could hang out with them and earn their love. and if they killed me, i wouldn't even be mad at them. because we're in the jungle. and they have every right to.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

palm trees date back to the 1980s

Daniel Palm came up with the idea back in the late 15th century, but the first palm tree wasn't built until 29 August, 1982.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

i'm so tired

it's 3.45am and i'm off to work. i'd rather not be. if i were a stupid bumper sticker, i'd say i'd rather be sleeping. because man, i would. maybe not, now that i think about it. because i don't think bumper stickers need to sleep. but man, i do. i need to sleep. stupid jerk people make me get up and do stuff all the time. but, man, i just want to sleep all the time. man.

Friday, September 4, 2009

shark fins

today on the bus, a man who claimed to be from the future gave me a notebook. he told me to share the secrets within this book with the world. then he jumped out the window. i'll read you an excerpt that caught my eye:

Most people don't know this (because the Fat Cats in Washington don't want us to know) but iced cream is made up, primarily, of shark fins. Now you might be saying to yourself, "big effing deal! Sharks are ruthless man-eaters! Serves 'em right to get killed for our iced cream!" And while I share your vendetta against sharks, I ask you to focus on the greater issue for the time being: sharks, while undeniably evil, provide a specific and necessary service to all marine life. Sharks act as a sort of "border patrol" for the aquatic world. I mean, think about it, if your job wanted to transfer you to a new branch and then they told you your new home would be in the ocean, you'd be like "no way José! Sharks will eat me for shore!"

But then what if your boss, José, was like, "yeah, but guess what: all the Sharks are dead because we took their fins off to make our iced cream!" Then you'd be like "holy smokes!" and you'd already be thinking of sweet decorating ideas for your new underwater apartment. But then it hits you like a ton of bricks: If there's no more sharks, then there's no more shark fins, no more shark fins means no more iced cream! Oh my Cod, I'm living in an underwater hell with no iced cream for all eternity!" But then José calms you down. "That's why we're transferring you," he explains, "you're heading up the new iced cream division." It will be your duty to find a new shark fin substitute. You will test all the fins of the underwater community. When we find one that suits our needs, you will be the first underwater sea farmer. You will be to iced cream what Buzz Aldrin is to astronaut iced cream.

pandas are the chimpanzees of the bear world

have you ever got up close to one of these things? ... me neither. but i imagine it'd be like looking into a mirror. not a normal mirror. but like a magical mirror that doesn't reflect things as they are, but as they would be ... if everything was a bear ... from china.

acknowledge your limitations

you can't really speak french and i can't really write in cursive.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

it's sooooo hot

it is sooooo hot in my apartment, i am genuinely concerned that my computer is going to melt. i don't know if that's possible. but that is what i am worried about. if my computer melted, my life would change a lot. i can't afford a new computer. so without one, my life would have no email, no video editing, and worst of all, no blog. can you imagine? i can. i have a great imagination. just yesterday, i was imagining if the moon was a person and he was bored up there all by himself so he was always calling us people on earth and asking what we were up to. he'd be like "hey man, whatcha doin?" and one of us would be like "nothing." and he'd be like "nothing? you're just sitting in a dark room doing NOTHING with absolutely NOTHING going through your mind? c'mon. what are you doing?" and we'd be like, "i'm at the grocery store. i'm grocery shopping." and he'd be like "cool. whatcha gettin?" and we'd be like, "(sigh) i don't know, Moon. just stuff. stuff to eat. i gotta go." and he'd be like, "okay okay, i'll let you get back to your precious grocery shopping (sarcasm). give me a call when you get back to your place." and then you go home and you're unloading your groceries and he calls you and he's like "hey man, thought you were gonna call me when you got back to your place?" and you're like, "yeah, i was just gonna put the groceries away first." and he's like "whatever."