driving cross country

when i was packing up to move, i found all kinds of old junk in my apartment. i was surprised to find the google maps map that i used to get out here to LA. what an adventure that was. highlights of the trip include: being offered a prostitute in missouri; watching the olympics at my friend carrie's house in oklahomeboy; seeing two old racist women get denied while trying to purchase alcohol at a gas station in new mexico; going to the grand canyon alone and almost falling off a cliff; buying a hunting knife from a native american man at a roadside stand and getting a very uncertain look from him as he told me "be careful out there." chill out kemosabe, i'm not gonna kill anybody.

can't sleep

man, so i'm in a new apartment now. moving in was a lot of hard work and i didn't get much sleep the last few days, so you'd think, "wow, i'm gonna sleep good tonight!" but guess what: i'm NOT sleeping good tonight! and you grammar nerds are probably thinking, "That's correct. You are not sleeping good. You're sleeping well." but you're wrong too, nerd! i'm not sleeping at all! i don't know what the problem is. i was lying down on my bed, the lights were off, i was doing EVERYTHING you're supposed to do to go to sleep but it's just not happening.

i don't want to get off on the wrong foot with my landlord but if i'm not asleep by 3am, i'm calling him. i mean, when you're renting someone an apartment, at least have the common courtesy to tell them if it's a non-sleeping apartment. renters have rights.

bookends

tonight will be the last time i sleep in this apartment. it will be much like the first time i slept in this apartment. i will sleep in my trusty sleeping bag on the floor of my bedroom. my bed is in my new bedroom in my new apartment approximately three miles from here. i could sleep there tonight, but i like bookends. i like when stories end the way they began. and the story of me living here starts and ends alone in a sleeping bag on the floor. i like that.
for much the same reason, i plan to die on a tuesday evening around 6:55pm, naked, screaming, diving head first.

marmelduke!

you guys remember when we were kids and every sunday morning we'd sit and wait on the front lawn for the paperboy to throw the morning newspaper at us so that we could tear it open and go straight for the funny pages to check in on the latest installment of Marmelduke??? and remember how every sunday morning we'd laugh and laugh reading that week's Marmelduke over and over and asking ourselves, "HOW have they NOT made this into a movie yet???" remember that?

for those of you who aren't into the funny-pages-scene, allow me to catch you up on why Marmelduke is the best American Saga ever told: Marmelduke is this really big dog, okay? not like "Clifford the Big Red Dog" big but like, realistic Great Dane big. and like, he just does whatever he wants! he loves sandwiches, he gets all excited when the doorbell rings, he doesn't like to take baths, basically he's a renegade. he plays by his own rules. and it is a riot!

what's that you say? it just sounds like a normal dog. like normal stories you'd hear from a dog owner? like it would be the worst thing ever to turn into a major motion picture?

yeah, i guess your right. now if you'll excuse me, i need to get back to work on my Family Circus script. (spoiler alert: billy runs around in the backyard for 2 hours)

where'd everybody go?

according to google analytics, NO ONE has looked at my blog in over two weeks. what the shrek, you guys?

classic

i don't like to pick favorites when it comes to my coffee mugs. i've got a lot of great mugs and i love them all equally. but the one i have today deserves some attention. it's such a classic coffee mug! my mom gave it to me when i moved to boston. she dumped a lot of her old stuff on me. i don't think i've ever bought a coffee mug. not for myself anyway. i bought a coffee mug once at a thrift shop in nebraska once but that was a gift for somebody else. this isn't a very well thought out coffee cup. i mean blog post.
anyway, i just wanted to thank this coffee cup for serving me well. i really enjoy it.

i don't know how he does these things

my friend, chris desanty, sometimes responds to things on facebook impossibly fast. also, he once drew the perfect five. i was there when it happened. he showed me right away and we both flipped out. it was all we could talk about for days. it sounds nerdy now that i'm telling you guys, but i assure you it was the coolest thing that ever happened. ever.

just checking in

every morning, one of the first things i do is check in with the internet.

baby pterodactyls

do you think pterodactyls were cute? i bet grownup pterodactyls thought baby pterodactyls were cute but, by human standards, baby pterodactyls weren't too easy on the eyes.

you remember

remember back in the 90s when everyone used to say "no sweat, josé" all the time?

i don't.

being sad

do you think bowling pins are sad? sometimes, when i'm sad, i think about it and i see something that looks kind of like a bowling pin. i guess i'd be sad if i were a bowling pin. i get sad a lot. i hardly ever go golfing though. i mean bowling. sometimes i get golfing and bowling mixed up. not the sports. just the words. that's like when i was a kid, i could never keep green and orange straight. i knew green was my favorite color i just couldn't ever remember what it was called. sometimes i'd ask for an orange crayon and then when somebody handed me orange i'd be like "dammit" and i'd feel really disappointed in myself and too embarrassed to exchange the orange for a green. then i'd see a bowling pin in my mind and mutter the word, "golf" to myself. something's wrong with my brain.

yankee doodle was an idiot

that's not what macaroni is.

this is how television works

that's pretty much it.

trap

did i tell you guys i make videos for ucbcomedy.com now? well, i do. this is the first video i directed for them. it was written by matt kowalick who is a member of the birthday boys who are probably the funniest sketch group in the world right now.

you should check them out. and stay tuned for more videos at ucbcomedy.com because i've shot a few more but they're not up yet. so chill out, you spaz.

yeah, i'm a disgusting human being

so i tried the infamous "double down" sandwich from kfc a few weeks ago. i guess maybe "sandwich" should be in quotes. there's no bread, you see. there are two pieces of fried chicken in lieu of bread. and the "meat" of the "sandwich" is bacon. and then of course every sandwich has cheese and some unknown sauce in the middle too. so that's what the double down is. and a lot of people think it's disgusting because it doesn't have bread. but that's a stupid reason to think something's disgusting. i, for one, think the double down is a good idea. my only complaint is that there wasn't a TON of chicken, which i guess is fine since the chicken is playing the role of bread in this "sandwich" and you'd never want a TON of bread on a sandwich. but there should be more "meat" in this "sandwich." namely, there should be more bacon. and i wouldn't mind a slice of tomato in there to healthy this thing up.

surfing

sometimes i think, "man, i should try surfing." then other times i'm just like, "nah, i'd probably stink at it."

what the shrek?

i don't know if it's like this where you live, but in my neighborhood, there are billboards and benches everywhere that say "what the shrek just happened?"

i, personally, am a big fan of them. not the shrek movies but the billboards and benches that say "what the shrek just happened?" what a hilarious catchprase! i want so bad for this to catch on as slang! i mean, why the shrek not? it's just as dumb as anything else. let's shrek this new slang into circulation.

hundred thousand miles

the other day, i reached one hundred thousand miles on my car's odometer. that means if you took the distance my car has traveled and turned those miles into twine, you would have enough twine to tie a big bow around jupiter. if you took that twine and turned it into orange juice, you would have more orange juice than tropicana has produced in the last 50,000 years. if you took that orange juice and turned it back into miles, that's a pretty cool trick, man.

*all facts and figures are made up.

blowing kisses

did you guys ever notice how blowing kisses is the funniest thing you can do, ever?

try it out, you jerks! it's hilarious!

the frasier kranes show

have you guys seen Frajir? it's this hilarious show about the british guy from Cheers. he has this hilarious dad who's ashamed of him and there's a dog that does tricks! then there's this other guy who's just like frajir and he's in love with frajir's butler. oh, and frajir is a radio dj. it's AWESOME!

seriously, i like frasier. it's funny.

polishing the basketball

word to the wise: next time you're painting a basketball with white nail polish, open a window, man. otherwise, you're gonna start get dizzy and feels weird. uh oh.

patrick rule north american tour

my friend peter rule is coming to visit. he's on his way via airplane as we speak. thanks to the internet, i can see how close his airplane is so we know when to hide and then wait for him and yell surprise. okay, he's over new mexico, go hide.

dinosaur question

so, i have a quick question since we're on the subject: tyrannosaurus rexes, how the heck did they sleep??? i mean, if they slept lying down, how in the world did they ever get back up with those wimpy arms? and if they slept standing up, man, talk about exhausting!

pretty good joke

i don't know who came up with this one but it's always been a staple in my repertoire. holy shit i spelled repertoire right on the first try!

a miracle happened to me today

in february, i found an advertisement for Mega Super Star World Famous Clairvoyant James Capers. i tore the ad out and put it on my bulletin board. the ad inspired me for months. today, i finally worked up the courage to notice a website address on the ad.

Almost too excited to type, I fumbled with my keyboard until I entered the correct URL into my web browser. Loading, loading ... the anticipation is killing me. Literally killing me. I'm gasping for my last breath when the page finally loads and Dr. Capers himself is singing to me.
I'm not a super-spiritual person, but WOW, this guy is the Real Deal. He and his dog, Hope Angel, have worked with Royal Family members, Presidents, CEOs, and Hollywood celebrities! He speaks in tongues, he's semi-fluent in English, and he hates women. "Thus, even today we have some, not all Christian Churches dwelling in the flesh, promoting Christian doctrines that 'empowers woman,' and belittle men in their services. Marriages are crumbling because woman no longer see the Man as their head but they exuberate authority over their very own husbands, 'not very Biblical.' This hinders the full development of spiritual gifts and powers for woman."

And the song that plays on his homepage (http://www.drjamescapers.net), I can't get enough of it. The piano riff that loops throughout is wrought with emotion, while the electric guitar totally kicks ass. This man has been blessed not only with the ability to speak in tongues, but also with the ability to sing like an angel! I'm not certain if he wrote the lyrics himself or not, but the end of the song moves me to tears every time.

"Oceans are wide,
and skies are blue-eh!
mountains are tall,
valleys are low,
birds fly high,
and i love you aw-eh
ah-hyooo, ah ooohoo hoo-eh
I want you BOY!"

rice: how much is too much?

when one makes rice for oneself, one often finds oneself asking oneself how much is too much. the answer is this much:
this much rice is too much rice. also stop referring to people as "one" and stop referring to people's selves as "oneselves." you sound like an asshole.

also, that's a pretty sad looking cheese toasty.

also, stop crying. you're a grown man.

bicentennial ike dollar

check out this awesome coin i got the other day as a tip! i didn't even know these things existed! it's a dollar coin with dwight wisenheimer on the front. and i guess it usually has a big eagle landing on the moon on the back. but mine is extra special because it's a bicentennial coin. so on the back they have a giant moon and the taco bell bell. what i found most surprising about the coin was it's tremendous size and weight.

and if that's not enough to freak you out, check out the size of this mutant strawberry i found!

better than authentic!

last time i was home, i had lunch with my brother, matt, and his wife and kids at a "mexican" restaurant called bandido's. matt bought me a meal and a $3 t-shirt. "three dollars for a t-shirt!" i exclaimed as we walked past the display t-shirt that had been stapled to the wall. my sister-in-law agreed that was an attractive price. the slogan on the t-shirt sealed the deal. Better than Authentic! what an awesome slogan. the owners are well aware that what they serve is not an accurate representation of mexican cuisine but they're confident theirs is better. like, "yeah, those mexicans had some pretty good ideas about food, but we really made them work."

hilarious. and i don't want to disparage this fine eatery. i have eaten there several times and always enjoy my meal. but i really think they should take this "better than authentic" thing and run with it. maybe by opening a restaurant in mexico.

bad PR for the KKK

it's just really unfortunate that one wacko in the ku klux klan can really screw up the reputation of the entire organization.

isn't it crazy that the KKK is still a thing? like, people are still joining up. people who are alive right now, in our world. and there are still people joining neo-nazi organizations. real people. and the people on jersey shore. those are real too! there are so many types of crazy people in this crazy little planet. what a world!

my nephew the robot

i'm working on a script called "my nephew the robot." it's about a robot that runs on candy and has a paper bag for a hand. when they authorities start asking questions, the quick thinking renegade scientist explains, "nah, he ain't a robot. he's my nephew." so then he has to get the kid (robot) enrolled in kindergarten and he has to teach (program) it to ride a bike. they get into all kinds of high jinks and have a lot of laughs along the way. and in the process, the robot becomes a real boy. it's a modern day Pinocchio.

just kidding. but, you know what's stupid? i just made all that up based on this short video clip i got of my nephew on easter but if i were famous and pitched that idea to disney, they would totally make it and i would be rich.

medieval tim's

so there's this guy called Medieval Tim and legend has it: he traveled through time to open a restaurant. and the gimmick is: he fights other people who he brought from back in time. so it's kind of like dinner and a show. pretty smart idea if you ask me. no wonder nothing got done in the dark ages, all the smart ones traveled to the future!

anyway, this is probably the most difficult post i've ever had to write. how can i possibly describe how awesome this place is? i can't. there's no way. so i'll just show you a few funny things from medieval tim's.

for starters, they tie some of the horse's tails in knots! why do that?! because medieval tim is crazy. he's also got some crazy horses. like the one with rabies (see video).
dinner was awesome. it was a bunch of meat, a potato, apple pie, beer, pebsi, and coffee. all of my favorites!
to clean up after the meal, they gave us pre-moistened towelettes. there were directions on them for heating and cooling, which i found helpful.
finally, there was one knight who's job it is to pick up the horse poops.
it was a magical night ... or should i say "knight?"

no. night was the right one.